*space* *space* *space* *space* *space* *space* *space* *space* *space* Tîwele's Diary...

~~A leather-bound book wrought on the inner side of the back cover with a sealed flower and a locket hanging from a chain. Filled with flowing pages of script, stained on occasions. Precious sentimentally, to its owner.~~

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Autumn, 3017 of the Third Age.

Have you ever felt that you knew a stranger already? Can the presence of someone completely foreign to you ever stir renewed pain? Your soul longs for recognition, yet sharp reality denies it to you. Maybe one day, your yearning will cease, and you may accept the harsh truth, and let your heart be no longer in denial. Only then will you be free from its grasp. Only then, because he will never return.

Varsis... The name is whispered by the wind in my ears when I'm half in slumber. Your voice fills my waking thoughts, and haunts my subconcious mind. You will have no way of knowing how much my heart aches for you. Perhaps it is you, or perhaps I have been overwhelmed by regret, regretted enough to drive the Valar to send me this apparition of you. I know not whether I should breathe these words to you... my mind is dwelling in utter confusion, and I do not know whether my sight deceives. I do not have the ability to piece myself together.

Forgive me if I ever fall apart while you are by. It is you who has unknowingly stirred these emotions, but I do not blame you. I do not blame you for the act of fate that led to our meeting. If it were not for my desire to escape that which I cannot mention, even here, chance would not have brought me to you. I fear, still. I fear that if I let the past flow onto these pages, even as I write, it will never pass again from my memory. I do not want to tears to stain more pages, and every turning bring back to me another fresh reminder. So please, I pray do not take heart if the burden of my emotions overflow onto you.

Tonight, I had a dream. I was drowning in the depths of the sea. There was naught to hold to but the image of you inside my head. It refused to leave me. I tried to swim towards shore, but my arms were heavy, and my feet felt as though they were caught. Some firm force held me down, the wild tentacles of a sea beast, tangles of seaweed, or merely a thing of my own imagination, I could not tell. I could not free myself. Though I fought, the currents caught and swept me away, far from sight of land or firm footing, till I could not longer catch the shore in the dim distance. When I awoke, it was then I knew the the thing that held me down, and I refuse to let it hold sway over me any longer.

Though these things are hard. To one who has not felt them, the taste of love drowned in hatred is almost surreal... tales, perhaps, without connection. Perhaps I will tell the story from cover to cover to you one day.

Yet I am unsure, for in you I do not know who I see. Do you, perhaps, have another identity? I do not know whence you came, or how you came to be here. Do not drive my hope, please tell me that you are an image of my thoughts, or an angel sent from heaven... Because I cannot deny that I love you, the angel of my dreams.

**A diary entry made by Tiwele on the eve of night after she first meets Varsis ^_^ **
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Winter, 2992 of the Third Age.

In the darkness of my chamber, I reach for the chain that hung by my bedside. The chain from which hangs the key to a chest of sorrowful memories. As my hand comes within inches of its dark, golden coating, some will power draws it back, to hang lifeless by me as the small courage of will I had fails. Realisation dawns that I cannot do it, perhaps ever.
Light is failing, and all seems lost.

**An earlier entry, written a year before**
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Autumn, 2960 of the Third Age.

It is many years now since that fateful day, and yet it is always foremost in my memory. I still remember your face as if it were yesterday. Old wounds ache, and old scars bring forth fresh memories. I still remember when you first said to me that what we had would survive the bitter foundations of our two worlds, that nought- the fate of death, time, could ever tear us apart. You swore to me that you would never lie to me. You were my saviour, my only remedy for those long hours spent alone within the hidden walls of home, but I endured, only because of you. Because you stayed and awaited me.

I cared for you in a way that no other meant more to me. You were ever there to catch me, an inmoveable stronghold that was there, all the times I needed you the most, and I could never imagine that you would ever leave. Everyday, my heart stings with regret at our parting. Now, after all these years, I still miss you. My heart has longed to see you appear once more beneath the eaves of evening, as if the period that spanned our meeting till the day you uttered that terrible truth was a dream, lost to awakening eyes. But no, that was not so.

But you knew... from the first moment you knew, and I cross myself that I never uncovered the true you at that first moment. I would not otherwise have strayed so deeply into the tide if it was known to me. Now, I cannot turn back. My soul, I poured into you, and yet you led me astray, not having the courage of will to confide in me what you must, what you knew was ultimately inevitable. Your heart was cowardly...

Yet however much I try, I do not have the heart to blame you to the end. Maybe is it that I cannot let myself remember you as a deceiver. Perhaps you knew somewhere deep inside that the truth would shatter me, that I could not bear the pain of your words. Somewhere in me, I understood the difficulty of your situation, but it is easier to deny than to accept. To accept is to admit that I will bear hatred for you forever.

I doubt that the emptyness that has taken your place will ever truly become whole again.

**These appear as they resurface in Tîwele's thoughts, so they are not necessarily in chronological order. This was written several years earlier.**

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[A few diary entries I happened to write ^^ They might shed some light on her character for you ;) Feel free to comment, but treat this like a roleplay. After all, it is part of one ;) ]

Haha. Slowly, I've been noticing Varsis is collecting fans...O_o Two of my friends [not including me :P] swoon over him as well. If you've seen the new Harry Potter, I keep getting the image of where Viktor Krum has that group of fan girls after him, only stick Varsis in his place.

I wonder what an elf would do with a fangirl mob?

[Close his eyes and try to convince himself he's in a bad dream and then make himself disappear? Or, if he's the Legolas type, bolt in terror ;)
I can just imagine Varsis stuck in the middle of screaming girls, the poor guy *cackles evilly* I mean, he does have that sort of vibe about him ^^

But if you're smart enough, you must have noticed that the last entry couldn't have been about Varsis (it was before they'd even met), and yet Tîwele's only really loved a 'single' person in her life... If you thought about it you might figure it out, but otherwise I'm guessing I'm just being plain confusing ;) It'll all leak out of her before the end, well, soon.]

Yeah I figured that before you even mentioned the post that she loved someone else at one time. Still don't know who though..... go post. ^_^

Spring, 2910 of the Third Age.

Where are you now, Amilinya? Some nights, when I gaze on the stars, I hope in earnest that you are somewhere in these far lands, looking on the same pinpoints of light. Though it has been long since I was a child, my memory of you has stayed clear. Do you still remember your words to me in those days? You promised that you would protect me, always. Even though you are no longer here, I know deep down that you long to watch over me. I will not let my fear for you overwhelm my life, yet I cannot dissuade away the uncertainty that has been with me ever since you left. I cannot know whether, after all these years, you still dwell in mortal lands, or whether you have been forced to seek to the havens, by which route you wait for me. Knowing that this way, perhaps one day I may join you brings me comfort.

Every night, I hold your locket close to my heart, hoping beyond reason that it will bring you back. Father, and all the household alike all long for your return. Though troubled by my his change, I do not wish to grieve you.

One day, when my path adjoins yours, I will avenge those who did you wrong.

**Remembering her mother ;)**