Farina felt slightly unreal when she entered the White Tower. She had been gone for two years now. Two years full of pain and joy and boredom. She had cursed herself every day for causing this mess for herself, but there was nothing she could have done about it. She had been drunk, he had been drunk, and they had both ceased the opportunity. At least she knew the father. And he had been willing to help too, which was a good thing.

She had gone to Cairhien and the Master of Soldiers’ relatives had taken her in, just like he had said they would. Farina had felt rather awkward, burdening people she hadn’t even seen before, but they had never complained and always tried to convince her that they were glad to take care of her. Whether that was true or not, it didn’t matter, because Farina had had no other place to go to. The first month had been very awkward for her, but after that she had relaxed a bit. And the way the people in the house had admired her growing stomach and smiled when they said that they couldn’t wait to see the little thing made her feel better too.

The mansion itself was really something. It was huge and luxurious, and Farina could really see that Asha’man Edeleas had truly come from an important House. There was nothing Farina could complain about when it came to the house and what it could provide for her. She had politely but firmly refused the silk dresses and other lavish treats they had offered her, though.

Life had gone on rather nicely after the first month, until it had been evident that she would give birth soon. The birthing had gone well, and the physical pain had been nothing compared to her emotional pain. She had to give up a baby again. Well, it had been easier than with Frenna. She had known all along that she would have to give the baby to someone else, and she had known that she would return to the Tower. She had already left Frenna – twice – so she knew exactly how much she wanted to become Aes Sedai. She wanted to become Aes Sedai more than she wanted any baby.

So she had held the baby boy only once and named him Fenrir before giving him up. She had been told that Asha’man Edeleas’s cousin who lived in Aringill had taken the baby, but she had wished not to be told the name. She didn’t want to cause herself more pain by knowing who would raise her son.

She had spent half a year in Asha’man Edeleas’s mansion after giving birth. She had to get rid of the stomach before she could go to the Tower again. She had to make sure that no one knew about the baby. So she had trained and practiced channeling every day so that she could go to the Tower prepared. And after half a year she had left the house. But she hadn’t headed back for the Tower just yet. She had travelled a bit and spent almost a year in Andor, just to make sure that there was no trace from her to Cairhien when she finally met an Aes Sedai. It had worked, because when she had met an Aes Sedai and gotten ‘caught’, the Aes Sedai had believed that she had spent all the time she had been away in Andor.

And she still did. Arina Sedai, she had said, of the White Ajah. She had noticed Farina’s ability to channel at once and when she had heard that she was a runner, she had personally escorted her to the White Tower. It was a shame that she couldn’t Travel. So now Farina was in front of the Mistress of Novices’ study with Arina Sedai holding her shoulder tightly as if to make sure that she didn’t run. And then the Mistress of Novices answered to her knock and they went in.

Farina curtsied very deeply when she walked in, spreading her dark brown skirts wide. “I found this in Andor. Farina Aileen, ran from the Tower two years ago. She’s all yours.” That was all the Aes Sedai said before storming off. Farina rose carefully from her curtsy and looked at the floor, waiting for the Mistress of Novices’ respond.

Yet an other day and an other knock on the door brought an other call for the person outside to enter, but the sight of the people entering was not as common, if more common then the opposite would have meant. A girl, clad in normal clothes though she should have been dressed in white and a banded dress. Behind her a woman, clad in white as the Whites usually did, holding her shoulders as to make sure the girl didn't run. The runaway accepted curtsied. “I found this in Andor. Farina Aileen, ran from the Tower two years ago. She’s all yours.” After that the White left and Farina rose from her curtsy.

It had been a long time, 2 years, since she had last seen this girl. It was a girl Cayana had had high hopes for, a girl Cayana had been happy to see pass through the arches. To have heard of her running away had been tragic, in more then one way. "It has been a long time Farina." Cayana spoke. Her face was serene and her voice held a touch of coolness. To see this girl now did mean she had been caught, but why in the name of the light had she run off in the first place? "Why did you run away?" Cayana watched the girl from her desk, wishing the girl had come to her instead of running off alone. Most problems could be dealt with. Even certain problems the White Tower didn't much like. But clearly Farina hadn't seen it the same way.

Farina didn’t dare to look up. She pretended to be severely interested in the pattern of the carpet while she waited. Oh, she had never been so scared. Well, maybe she had, but she was still very scared. And ashamed. The Mistress of Novices was the Mistress of Novices, the woman who had helped her and gotten her through the Arches. And Farina had let her down. She had had no other choice, not if she ever wanted to train again. But she couldn’t tell the Mistress of Novices that.

"It has been a long time Farina." Her cool voice was like a slap in the face, if only for the lack of anger or relief or any kind of feeling at all. Even some hint that the Mistress of Novices remembered her and was disappointed or happy to see her again would have been appreciated. But Farina was in no place to demand emotion, or even hope for it. She was at Cayana Sedai’s mercy, and there was nothing she could do to change that.

"Why did you run away?" Farina bit her lip and stared vigorously at the carpet. She had made up a list of reasons to explain her escape, and most of them were true, if not the main reason. “I…” she started, but her voice quivered too much. She bit her lip again and tried to gather some courage. She finally looked up. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The expectations, the pressure, it was too much. Everyone expected me to do so much when I became an Accepted. Advanced lessons, advanced weaves, independent study projects. I just… I couldn’t refuse anything because I didn’t want to seem weak, but it turned out that I am. It was all too much. I crumbled. And then… with all the nightmares about the Arches…” her voice started quivering again, but she willed herself to stop thinking about the raising. “I felt like I was in a cage. I want to become Aes Sedai, I want it so much, but… I needed to get out. I was so depressed. I should have come to you, I should have thought of something else, but I just couldn’t think of any other way. I had to get away before I lost my will to train at all.” She knew that all those reasons made her sound like a weakling and would possibly lead to her banishment because she wasn’t strong enough to become Aes Sedai, but she still held a better chance this way. She opened her mouth, but closed it again. Begging wouldn’t help now. She needed to know what the Mistress of Novices thought about her first. So she hung her head again and waited.

The girl before her bit her lips and still refused to look up. Clearly there wasn't much defiance in this girl, a sign of that she would bend to the Towers will. Or was it an act? How ever the case the girl was shaking. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The expectations, the pressure, it was too much. Everyone expected me to do so much when I became an Accepted. Advanced lessons, advanced weaves, independent study projects. I just… I couldn’t refuse anything because I didn’t want to seem weak, but it turned out that I am. It was all too much. I crumbled. And then… with all the nightmares about the Arches…” The girls voice was quivering. “I felt like I was in a cage. I want to become Aes Sedai, I want it so much, but… I needed to get out. I was so depressed. I should have come to you, I should have thought of something else, but I just couldn’t think of any other way. I had to get away before I lost my will to train at all.” Cayana didn't respond directly, she didn't like this, didn't like to do this, but short of murder running away was the worst thing one of her girls could do. She was sad that the girl had been treated so badly it had drove her to this.

After a moments silence Cayana spoke once more. Not very cooly, just matter-of-factly. "Are you feeling different about things now?" Cayana asked. "Or do you think you should have stayed away?" She would need a full report from the white on where Farina had been found. Many runaways tried to lie about things and Cayana couldn't let her own expectations and hurt feelings rule her judgement. She would not be a very efficient Mistress of Novices if she did.

The silence was unbearable, but Farina didn't dare to say anything. She just waited for what seemed to be an eternity, and finally the Mistress of Novices spoke again. "Are you feeling different about things now?" Farina was glad to hear that question. "Or do you think you should have stayed away?" Now she had a chance to tell Cayana Sedai how much she wanted to train and become Aes Sedai without begging.

"I do feel differently." She looked up at the Mistress of Novices again. "There is nothing that I want more than to become an Aes Sedai." The Light knew it was true. She had left two children to become Aes Sedai, one of them twice. She had no future anywhere else. She could not go back and try to find Farina, or Fenrir. What kind of a mother would she be? She had abandoned her children. If she saw her children again, she would never expect their forgiveness, or love, or anything, because she couldn't even forgive herself. She wanted to become Aes Sedai more than anything, and she had made more sacrifices than most girls to reach her goal. Oh, she hoped so much that she could tell the Mistress of Novices that.

"I want to train in the White Tower," she continued. "I don't care what it takes, I don't even care if the expectations get worse and my life in the Tower becomes even more intolerable, I will not leave again. I realized just how much I want to train. If you give me another chance, I promise I will make it to Aes Sedai no matter what it takes." She said it all calmly this time, but her determination echoed in the background. She would do anything for another chance. She had already done so much.

"I do feel differently." The girl looked up now. "There is nothing that I want more than to become an Aes Sedai." She did look determined and as she was speaking the truth. However, things did seem quite odd to Cayana anyway. Maybe it was just her feelings about the girl, maybe it was something else. "I want to train in the White Tower," Farina continued. "I don't care what it takes, I don't even care if the expectations get worse and my life in the Tower becomes even more intolerable, I will not leave again. I realized just how much I want to train. If you give me another chance, I promise I will make it to Aes Sedai no matter what it takes." That was what sounded so truthful and so strange with what the girl had previously said, feeling that Cayana continued. "If you feel this way, why did you not return on your own accord? It would have shown that the words you speak is true. Why did you wait until an Aes Sedai found you to come back?" Cayana felt that something was missing, but she couldn't say what. "What have you been doing for the past two years Farina?"

"If you feel this way, why did you not return on your own accord? It would have shown that the words you speak is true. Why did you wait until an Aes Sedai found you to come back?" That was such a good question. Farina couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought of that. She should have come back by herself. Yes, that would have been a much better plan. Oh well, there was nothing she could do about it anymore, so there was not sense in worrying over it. She would just have to think of a plausible explanation.

"What have you been doing for the past two years Farina?" That was the question Farina had been afraid of. But she knew that she would have to answer that, sooner or later. So she might as well answer now. “I didn’t really do anything,” she answered with a shrug. “I went to Andor and slept in inns, working as a waitress now and then to get some money. I traveled quite a bit in Andor, from village to village, but I never went to Caemlyn.” She would never go to her home town. She had run away with Frenna, betraying her parents and her husband. She never wanted to see any of them again. “I didn’t try to find Frenna, if that’s what you’re worrying about, Aes Sedai,” she said fervently. Never. She would never try to find Frenna.

“I did think of coming back myself, but… I was afraid.” She said that sheepishly, but it was true, actually. “Afraid of the punishment, and afraid that I might not be allowed to train again. I guess you could say that I was pushing back the inevitable.” That was all she could muster at the moment.

OOC:

I am terribly sorry that it has took me so long to respond and to let you know. I want to continue to RP this, but with my classes starting up and me getting sick, having a birthday and then celebrating my sisters birthday RL has gotten me quite swamped. I am sorry, but I'm afraid these things will have to go first. I will respond if I get time, energy and such left over, but I don't know when that will be. I really am sorry.

:(

(OOC: *too lazy to switch accounts* :look

It's alright, I'm not generally in a hurry with Farina, and I'm behind with all my rps as it is. :ph43r: Of course RL comes first, so don't feel pressured or anything. Take care of classes and stuff and reply when you can. :hug )