The man tugged at his boots, enjoying the ability to stretch out his legs in the quarters that, while still rather cramped, had enough room that he could do some decent pacing. Thank the light for that. Pacing had been a hobby over the last seven days. He worked hard as he had as a Soldier, if in different ways. As a Soldier, it had been mainly make-work and chores that didn’t really need doing. As a Dedicated, it was lesson on top of lesson on top of lessons, not all of which on the receiving end. It was truly one of the strangest things he had ever done, teaching a class. He was used to being one of the bored-looking soldiers, not the respected Dedicated teaching the class. And besides, the looks of envy were creepy. He got up from the bed, stretching his arms as he did so. He had the room to himself and another Dedicated, to his surprise. He used to share a room with three other men, and the room was the same size, if not a little smaller, than this one.

He stepped towards the door, straightening the black coat that symbolized that he was an initiate of the tower as he did so. The sword pin on his collar was barely even noticeable to the wearer, but ever man in the tower would look at another man’s lapels before he would speak. Ren barely even realized he did it, anymore. It was just part of life. He stepped out into the hall, relieved to have a moment to himself. It had never really occurred to him that the Towers would purposely keep you almost too busy to think the first week or so after the Arches. Reasonable, though. He felt goosebumps breaking out at just the thought of his arches. Definitely understandable. He could imagine the amount of newly-raised Dedicated like himself breaking from the stress, or committing suicide, depending on his arches. Ren didn’t care to even think about the possibility that someone else’s arches had been worse than his- his were bad enough, thank you.

He grit his teeth, shoving the thoughts of his raising from his mind as hard as he could, and willing them to stay there. They had no business, running around in his head like uncontrolled children. He was done with the Arches, that was all that mattered. He was done, and he was never going to be forced to do similar for years. Possibly forever. He had no idea what the test for becoming an Asha’man entailed, other than he had to keep calm. He wandered down the halls, occasionally bowing when it was required, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what was around him; he was focusing on the peace, at least in his head. His body and mind had been worked to the max, suppressing thoughts, running from class to class, doing everything that was asked of him, and going to his room at night to spend time in the dark tossing and turning, to his light-sleeping roommate’s ever-lasting annoyance.

He turned a corner, and was startled to realize that there was no one in sight, other than behind him. He frowned, looking around him. It wasn’t a hall he recognized, but his sleep-deprived brain eventually began to turn on. It was a passageway to a secluded are of the library about the history of clothing, if he remembered correctly. Which, he very likely didn’t. He noticed one of the Soldiers looking curiously at him, but when he turned, the man immediately looked away. He recognized the man- one of his friends from when he was a Soldier. He couldn’t talk to them as friends anymore, to his sadness. He could be accused of having favorites, and the Asha’man had warned him that that simply would not do. They would send him to the Master of Soldiers faster than he could say “oops”. He turned the corner, away from prying eyes or an Asha’man that might think that he had ‘broke’. He had no wish to be sent out of the tower, not after going through those arches. Now it was just work, and dealing with what he had been forced to let go of.

He leaned his head back against the wall, welcoming the feel of the cool marble on his back as he slid slowly, almost reluctantly to the ground. He put his head in his hands, feeling his hair fall over his eyes, and the black bags under them, finally allowing his thoughts to run free. Holding them back all the time was only going to give him yet another headache, like the ones he’d had the day before, and the day before, and the day before.

Thoughts flooded into his head as he let the floodgates fall. Jaayl, Cendaline, Seimilin The last name forced him to give a guffaw of dry laughter. That he would but a woman who didn’t exist along with the two names of people he had loved was ironic. In his mind, he had lived a life he would never have with her. Seimilin, the woman who had born his child, and worked with him for so many years, all time that had not really passed, yet he still remembered them. How was that even possible, to remember something that hadn’t really happened? How could something like that hurt so much, when it wasn’t even real?

His thumbs made his way to his temples. He would make sure nothing like that ever happened. He didn’t want to cause anyone he cared about that much pain, not ever. Not Esoria, not any woman that took the place of Seimilin. Seimilin had been a sensitive woman, a woman that he’d had an almost happy life with, but that wasn’t what he wanted, no matter what he thought now. He’d learned that. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to live like that. Esoria was the right person for him to be partners with, no matter what doubts crossed his mind now and then. She would serve the purpose he needed… but was he sure? Was he sure that he couldn’t have both? He answered his own question immediately. Yes. He knew better. His head sunk lower in his hands.

Yes

Evei yawned and reached up to rub at her eyes with her hands. She felt well rested, for once in what must have been years. Evei stretched, languishing in the feeling of not being tired after waking up. Her dreams had not been pleasant, but that hardly mattered. The door to her room creaked open, interrupting her thoughts, and Evei sat up to look at whoever had the audacity to bother her. It was her roommate, who looked too irritated for Evei to open her mouth and make her day worse. “You’re late.” Her roommate informed her, brusquely. “We need to be at the library in a few minutes, and we need to wash the floor first. There’s no time for breakfast.” Evei groaned. I should have suspected that I slept in. After all, I felt like I actually slept. She swung her legs over the bed, wincing as her feet touched the cold stone floor. Evei stood up, and her roommate quickly shoved a bucket and brush into her hands. With a sigh, she dropped to her knees and began to scrub at the floor.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Evei queried, one eyebrow raised at her roommate as she submerged her hand and brush into the soapy water. The other woman was silent for a moment as they worked, brushes busily scratching against the stone floor. “You looked so peaceful, and I know that you don’t sleep well often... So I let you sleep. Do you mind that much? You will have to miss breakfast.” Her roommate looked at her, worried. Evei shook her head at the other woman, indicating that no, it was fine. It was strange to have another person care about wither or not she got enough sleep. It was a long time since she had last been cared for in that fashion. Don’t think about Diju. Evei told herself, scrubbing viciously at the floor. You don’t have the time to remember him anymore. Evei forced herself to work harder and quicker, just to push the memories threatening to spill into her consciousness away. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. She repeated the mantra in her head, in rhythm with her brush strokes against stone. With her working overtime, it took only a little while for the floor to become clean. Both Evei and her roommate carried the buckets down to the courtyard, their muscles protesting as they stumbled down stairs. It was a relief to reach the gardens and dump the dirty water over a few wilting shrubs. With that done, the both of them ran to the library in a mad dash.

In their haste to reach the library to start on their reports, the two of them almost tripped over a rather grumpy looking Accepted. “So sorry!” Evei wheezed out, dropping quickly into a curtsy. The woman only sniffed at them before moving on. Evei and her roommate shared a disgruntled glance before continuing on their race to the library. They rushed through the door, breathing heavily, before skidding to a stop. The Browns looked up at them from respective tomes, and Evei slunk toward the shelves of books while cringing under their stares. Her roommate sent her a weary wave as she moved off in the opposite direction, presumably to start on her own report. It’s a miracle that we managed to get here as quickly as we did. Evei had half expected some Aes Sedai to stop them and send them off on some obscure errand. They were lucky, but Evei didn’t feel well rested anymore. She bit her lip, and forced herself to stop longing for sleep as she browsed through the shelves, looking for books on Arad Doman culture.

It took her an almost ridiculously large amount of time to find the right section. It was secreted away in a remote corner of the library, next to a section on the history of cloth. Evei blinked, and turned resolutely away from the interesting section, her mind half-wondering what people wore before cloth was invented. Ferns? She guessed wryly as she turned toward the section on Arad Doman. She browsed through the aisle for a few minutes, and then turned the corner, expecting to see an empty stretch of floor where she could set her large pile of books. However, her empty stretch of stone was occupied by Ren. Evei blinked, hardly surprised. Just like him to camp out in the library for no reason. She thought, amused, as she watched him rub his temples. “Hello, Ren.” She said, amusement coloring her voice as she set her pile of books down in front of him. When Evei glanced up from her books, a metallic sparkle caught her eyes. The sword pin. It stood out like a gem on his black lapel. “Congratulations.” She told him, her tone mild as she sat down next to him. She was hardly surprised by his ranking. Ren was strong in the One Power, and he handled saidin well enough.

It was then that Evei saw his face. Ren’s features were colored with pain, an agony that Evei found somehow familiar. She studied his face, her gaze hunting out each pinprick of hurt. “I recognize that pain.” She whispered. After all, it was the same agony she experienced every night while she tried to sleep. With a sigh, Evei reached out to give him an awkward pat on the shoulder. He’s missing someone, and realizing he only has me as a replacement. She summarized in her mind. Still, this was something new. She’d never seen him like this. The arches! He must have had someone to love in the arches and picked me over her by coming back? Evei frowned to herself, the cogs in her mind turning. Her theory fit. “Oh, Ren.” She said with a sigh. “You had someone in the arches, did you?”

She didn’t have to wait to see some answer in his face. She knew he was right. How could she not? The pain he was experiencing was the one she always felt. Evei looked down at her hands, and clasped them together tightly until her knuckles turned white. “The pain will never go away.” She told him, almost conversationally. “You’ll always remember the could-have-been, and how you could have had something else that could have suited you just fine.” Evei bit her lip, not wanting to spill more emotions that would tell Ren more about her past, but she couldn’t help herself. “You’ll always mourn being stuck with someone who is something for you, but not quite everything.” Evei glanced up at Ren’s face, wondering if he could understand what she was saying. I think he does. She thought, almost sadly. I wish he didn’t. But that was only wishful thinking, and Evei didn’t place her trust on hopes and dreams.

Ren heard footsteps on the library floor. He didn’t bother to look up. Whether they saw him or not, it made no real difference. There was nothing he could do about it now. Getting up would make enough noise to alert even an Aes Sedai of the Brown Ajah, engrossed in the books. If it was a Soldier or a Novice, they couldn’t say anything; Dedicated or Accepted, they wouldn’t say anything. If it was an Aes Sedai or an Asha’man, then, well, there wasn’t a whole lot he could do about it. He heard the person stop, and the sound of pages rustling. It went on for a while; then again, perhaps it didn’t. Time seemed to stretch on forever, but it could have been mere seconds. There was a susurration, the sound of a woman’s skirts, if he guessed correctly. He focused on the noises around him, on the marble on the floor beneath him, on the smoothness of the floor underneath him. Anything but his thoughts. Anything.

He was startled when he heard a loud thunk, as if a heavy load had been put down, and a familiar voice rang in his ears.

“Hello, Ren.” The words were tinged with obvious amusement as Esoria came to stand in front of him. There was an almost audible click as her eyes landed on the sword pin, and the woman put two and two together. “Congratulations.” He let out a quiet snort. Congratulations was not a word that could ever be applied to someone just out of the arches. Would never be applied by someone who truly knew what it was like. Stepping into those arches… whoever had made the ter’angreal had to have been sadistic. How could they not have been? Perhaps they were a darkfriend. Black Ajah.

Some part of Ren realized he was being stupid; of course it wasn’t. Sure, it caused pain, but to a good end. They’d forced him to let go of things that possibly would have held him back. It was a sure way to make sure that you were truly dedicated. Ironic, that. Prove you are dedicated to a cause by letting them rip your fears out. Your fears, your loves, your hates, your longings… anything that might possibly distract you from their mission- not necessarily yours, but theirs. Ren wondered what the orders to the ter’angreal maker had been. ‘Make something that will force the Soldiers and Novices to become mature, and grow up.’ Perhaps?

Esoria was murmuring something beside him, and he forced his attention to the sound of her voice. “I recognize that pain.” Ren resisted the urge to roll his eyes and slap her. Lovely. Ever so wonderful. She recognized his pain. What was she going to do now? Offer useless advice? He’d wanted to be alone, to think, for Light’s Sake! How was he supposed to do that with a sympathetic young woman who wanted to be spoken to? Bloody pit of bloody doom, he was confused. A part of him- a rather large part, although he suspected that most of it would fade, hated the woman. Hated her for forcing him to hurt Seimelin, hated her for being the one who proved to him what he could do in a partnership, for letting him get a glimpse of what he could do in the Red Shen, focused on the past. A past that he had been forced to let go of, yet that he still cared about.

Darkfriends still were a nightmare, although he was less concerned with the darkfriends that had killed Jaayl, and more so with the disgusting, despicable beings in general. They didn’t deserve to be called humans, they really didn’t. They were betraying their own race because they were power-hungry and pathetic. Esoria was speaking, again. This time, he did grimace, but he was still looking down, so it was doubtful that she noticed.

“Oh, Ren. You had someone in the arches, did you?”

Oh, Ren! His thoughts echoed her in falsetto, turning them into a silent mockery of her. He said nothing aloud, though. He had that much control over himself- not enough, but it would do. It would have to. He couldn’t afford to loose her. Especially not now. Not so much for support as much as simply because he needed her there. He needed something in his future somewhat set, and in this world, outside the arches, she represented that. Besides, he knew better. Either take her, or go into a different shen. He knew the same thing would happen in a different situation, though. Seimelin had been a figurehead as much as a person.

“The pain will never go away.” Her voice was calm and collected. They might have been chatting about the weather. “You’ll always remember the could-have-been, and how you could have had something else that could have suited you just fine.”

Why, Esoria! Thank you ever so much for that unneeded advice, oh wise one!


He locked his fingers over his neck, keeping his head between his knees as he pretended to ponder her words. In all honesty, he couldn’t have cared less had that been his aim. If she’d lost her happiness and her life, perhaps she did have some idea, but he doubted she could really grasp what the arches had done to him. Not only had they caused him the amount of pain that was now weighing on him so heavily; oh no, they had done that three times over. He resisted the urge to tell Esoria that, to tell her to imagine her pain, repeated three times over. There were different types of love- love for a child, love for a woman, and love for a family. His arches had represented each. Family, in his mind, would always mean Jaayl. A family meant Cendaline, and his daughter. A woman mean Seimelin, perhaps Esoria, as well.

“You’ll always mourn being stuck with someone who is something for you, but not quite everything.”

His head shot up, and he looked in her in the eye. Now that was strange. The woman actually said something that was similar to his own thoughts. He slammed his fist down on the marble, barely noticing the fact that he would, almost without a doubt, have a beautiful bruise there tomorrow.

“Why, thank you, Esoria! I always wanted to know my fate! Of course, I’m going to be miserable. As if I didn’t already figure that out. No, no, you have to tell me, because I am, after all the woolhead here!” Furious, the man rose to his feet. “You come in here and expect me to bow down to your wisdom. Guess what? I don’t flaming care! Perhaps your situation doesn’t apply. Ever think of that? No, I’m sure you didn’t, because everything is about you. you, You, YOU!” The last word was yelled, and Ren opened his mouth, prepared to start again. Instead, he steamed to run out of steam. It was as if the anger on him had been switched to ‘off’. He half leaned-half collapsed onto the wall behind him. His hand made his way to his eyes, rubbing them in exhaustion. His words were as much a sigh as him speaking intentionally.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, regretting his outburst. He didn’t trust his mouth.

Evei watched Ren, observing the way he winced and twitched in the aftermath of her words. She could see his anger in the plane of his body, the way his fingers moved to wrap around his neck. The fury and the pain. It was an explosive mix, and Evei couldn’t help but wonder if her words had been the fire that would set him off. I don’t think he’s that far gone. She thought, eyeing him critically. He won’t push away his support just because he’s gone through something horrible. It was as if she was saying to herself ‘he won’t do what I did’. In his situation, Evei had pushed away a woman who would have happily become her mother, and almost forced away a man that could be a partner. Somehow, Evei had a hard time comparing Ren to herself. His personality was a hot one, for he let you know when he was anger. Evei knew she was cold, as she kept her thoughts and emotions bottled up inside of her until they grew so huge she had to let them dissipate. Because of their differences, Evei didn’t believe that Ren could do what she had done and push the people that cared about him away. He was a kind hearted person in a way that Evei could never be, not after Diju’s death. I hope that his arches don’t push him to change in the same way the Tuatha’ans’ deaths changed me. Ren doesn’t deserve to loose bits and pieces of his personality. She mused, idly. Still, Evei didn’t place her trust on the thought. The world would not move at her beck and call, and she knew it.

Evei glanced over at Ren, who looked up at her as her last sentence faded away. There was madness in his eyes that she had not expected. It was a shade off of insane, but more livid than someone crazy had the right to be. He’s been pushed over the edge. Evei realized, too late as Ren began to scream. “Why, thank you, Esoria! I always wanted to know my fate! Of course, I’m going to be miserable. As if I didn’t already figure that out.” Evei said nothing, her gaze not wavering from Ren’s face. He’ll turn on me, now. She thought, distantly. It felt as if her mind was detached from her body. He’ll blame me for what he’s done because I’m the only one he’s close enough to dose out his pain to. Even felt almost nauseous. She could almost sense the partnership she had begun to learn to depend on vanishing into thin air. I have the feeling that after this, I’ll never be able to trust him, and Ren won’t be able to stomach trusting me. It was Ren’s ire filled voice that stopped her from running circles in her mind

“No, no, you have to tell me, because I am, after all the woolhead here!” Ren leapt to his feet, his body almost vibrating with his rage. Evei gazed up at him, still dumbstruck by his radical reaction. “You come in here and expect me to bow down to your wisdom. Guess what? I don’t flaming care! Perhaps your situation doesn’t apply. Ever think of that?” Evei wanted to laugh. That her situation didn’t apply? Had Ren ever been able to look past the surface of her personality? Of course my bloody situation applies to this. I watched my family being killed, I watched my husband and child’s lives vanishing in front of me. How does this not apply to what he experienced in the arches? For me, it was at least real people. Her anger and disbelief were cruel and unkind. She had no wish to tell him and show him how wrong he was. For Evei, Ren’s apologizes and guilt meant nothing. Only the fact that he had told her that she couldn’t understand loosing everything only to get a little piece of it back mattered. Only the fact that he had told her that her experiences could not be compared to him mattered. Evei had been right, after this, she would never be able to trust him again. No matter what he thinks, he is a woolhead. She thought, venomously and viciously.

“No, I’m sure you didn’t, because everything is about you. you, You, YOU!” Ren screamed down at her, madness filling more of his expression. Part of her wanted to tell herself that no, he doesn’t understand what he was saying, but the majority of Evei knew that Ren had known instinctively what would be most hurtful to her, what would push her away the most. It was his manipulation that made her feel this way, but Evei didn’t care. He had still assumed that her entire life was less then the few minutes he had spent in an arch with an imaginary woman. She would never be able to forgive him for believing her true experiences to be less than his imaginary ones. It’s only an arch. she thought, cruelly. It’s not true. He didn’t watch his whole life die in front of him. It isn’t the same, and he’s the one who doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. Evei watched him, expressionless as her thoughts wound webs of hate in her mind. He leaned against the wall, the fury slowly evaporating from his form. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” Ren told her, sounding almost exhausted.

Evei didn’t care. It didn’t matter that he was sorry after the fact. He had still done it, and even if they continued on as partners, Evei would never trust him with more than her life. I’ll never truly trust him. I’ll never be able to tell him how my day went, what I’m feeling like. I’ll never believe that he won’t skew my words so he can stab me in the back like a bloody traitor. I’ll be able to trust him to keep a darkfriend from killing me, but I’ll never be able to trust him with my past or my opinions. It was a bitter pill for her to swallow. The first true friend she had made for herself since Diju’s death was gone because he couldn’t understand her. He’s a bloody idiot. She thought to herself as she stood on two shaky feet. He can’t see past the surface of me. We’d never be true friends anyways, even if he hadn’t blown up like this. I would have seen past his act of care sooner or later.

“I’ll talk to you later.” She told him, her voice devoid of any emotion. I’ll talk to you later, to see if this partnership can be salvaged. Evei couldn’t help but wonder to herself if someone with so little brains like Ren could even decipher the message in her words. Evei picked up her books, and turned her back on the man that she had known that she could possibly grow to love. He’s not the same person anymore. Not after the arches. He’s only too glad to hate me for something he did. He chose me over that woman in whatever arch it was in, and hates me for making him give up a happy life. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but Evei knew it was fact and not fiction. I wonder if this partnership can even be saved now.

“Ah, Evei!” The calm and serene voice of the Aes Sedai stopped her in her tracks. She dropped into a curtsey as well as she could with books in her arms, ignoring the fact that Ren was standing behind her. “How is your report on Arad Doman going, child?” Evei murmur a fine, and a thank you, and the woman gave her a nod and swept away. That only seals our future more, I think. I was never honest with him, and even though he was honest with me, he won’t be able to do anything but hate me. Especially now. Evei didn’t glance back at Ren as she strode away. It didn’t matter.

It was over.

Ren felt his stomach drop through his boots as the look of intense hurt that spread across Esoria’s face. He had no right to do that, and he knew it well. He knew that would hurt her. The words hadn’t left his lips with forethought, but those were some of the words that he would have chosen had he wanted hurt her. He was a woolhead. He opened his mouth to apologize a second time; then closed it. There was nothing he could do to rectify it. Well, at least not now, if ever. Esoria trusted him, very likely more than anyone in the tower right now, although that could easily change. It probably just did, actually. He cursed his own stupidity. Having the woman around for the last five years had given him a sense of stability that he hadn’t had before the towers, not ever. With his parents, he’d lived on a boat. With Jaayl, he traveled all around the continent, from the three-fold-land to Ebou Dar and back. He hadn’t been with Cendaline long enough. Esoria never asked for anything more than what she needed, or thought she did.

The Novice’s face went from hurt to devoid of emotion- always a bad sign, with her. He bit his lip, prepared to go after her, but was stopped by her own cold words. Bloody woolhead!. Esoria handled anger in the exact opposite way of him. One might compare fire and ice. Her anger was cold, frigid, even. Ren’s anger was a furious heat. She controlled her anger so carefully that she might hold it too tight; Ren had no harness on his anger at all. They could douse one another’s anger, or hurt, but only at such a cost to themselves that they weren’t willing to risk it.

“I’ll talk to you later.”

Perhaps that was wisest. Ren stepped back to his spot against the wall. She’d deal with her hurt in her way, he in his. They may be partners, but it made no difference. A partnership was a joining of individuals. In this case, it was individuals who were used to, and were still not entirely willing to give up their individuality. In time, perhaps. Just not now. Now, there was too much that was too flexible. Their personalities, their lives, their opinions. It was unlikely that she would stop hating darkfriends, but perhaps when she went through the arches, she would loose the passionate hatred that she had now. It was very possible. At least she had said that she would talk to him. He had been worried that perhaps she wouldn’t even give him that. He’d been downright cruel. The only thing that he was glad about was that she couldn’t hear his thoughts. His mind had been crueler than his words, though that might be hard to believe.

A second pair of footsteps joined Esoria’s in the abandon hallway. The blond Aes Sedai was oblivious to the tension between Dedicated and Novice, greeting Esoria with an easy smile. Ren bowed a second after Esoria, and the woman was giving her greeting to the novice by the time he was standing straight again.

“Hello, Evei.” His eyes widened. Had the Aes Sedai truly forgotten Esoria’s name? That happened only once in a million times, if that. If an Aes Sedai, or Asha’man, for that matter, wasn’t absolutely sure of a person’s name, they would use child, daughter, or son, depending. A pronoun. For one to actually make a mistake like that? She must not know Esoria very well, yet she was acting as if she did. She was smiling, as if she had taught a class with her in it before, and remembered her. Ren figured that Esoria probably was the type you remembered, even in a class as large as some of his had been. She was blindingly bright, and probably used that to her best ability, like she used everything else. She was a resourceful girl. But why would the woman forget her name? Evei didn’t even sound enough like Esoria to afford her a simple mispronunciation or even that she had misheard. He frowned, watching as the blood drained out of Esoria’s face. His eyes flickered back between the ageless face of the Aes Sedai and the woman that he had been prepared to trust his life to. It didn’t make any sense.

“How is your report on Arad Doman going, Child?”

Ren blinked, his confusion intensifying. If she could remember enough to know that Esoria was doing a report on Arad Doman… His eyes traveled to the books in her arms. History of the royal line of the Domais frantically, his eyes traveled over the title marking the side of the second book. Arad Doman during the Trolloc and 100 year wars. He could hear his heart beating in his eardrumbs as he looked at Esoria- or perhaps Evei would be more appropriate. No, no, no, the Aes Sedai must be making a mistake. Esoria, not Evei, Esoria! Will correct her, respectfully now. Of course she will. He almost managed to convince himself of that.

His efforts were wasted, though, when Esoria-Evei merely gave an affirmative and a thank you. No corrections. He had a feeling that the woman he had known would have corrected her. But did he really know her? For the lights’ sake, he hadn’t even known her name! How could he know the person? How could he not have caught that lie? Perhaps, if she could lie that well, there was more about her that he thought he knew and didn’t. Esoria. He’d always thought that was a pretty name, perhaps to flowery and flowey for the woman he had thought he had come to know. Evei. Ironic that that would fit so much better. He had accepted her name without question- even in the tower, where secrets and lies were a way of life, why would you lie about your name? There was no reason not to. If you didn’t want to speak to someone, all you had to do was inform an Accepted or Dedicated like himself, and they’d take care of it.

The Aes Sedai gave a friendly smile, striding down the passageway easily, oblivious to the havoc she had unwittingly caused between the two. Esoria-Evei was striding quickly away, apparently trying to get out of an explanation.

“Evei?” His voice was quiet, but it carried. He walked quickly, unthinkingly using one arm to catch her around the waist and spin her about to face him, careful of the books in her arms. He snatched up one of the dusty, leather-bound volumes, and his face contorted in sadness as he read the title up close. His eyes had not been deceiving him. It was indeed a history of ‘the royal line of the Domanis’. He put the book back on top of her stack.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Apple? I wouldn’t have been mad. I’m not now.” He shrugged. “Disappointed, yes, but not mad.” He’d used his original nickname for her, since he couldn’t decide what to call her. Esoria was a word, a name, that now to him represented Apple’s mistrust for him. Evei… Evei would take some getting used to.

Could this really work? Could to people so individual trust one another?

No.

But they could try.

Evei ignored Ren, who was standing behind her in a way that she couldn’t help but imagine as dumbstruck. There is no helping it now. She thought to herself. He is not the type to forgive such a lie easily. In truth, Evei knew that Ren would simply not want to forgive her. It would give him an easy out on their partnership, after all. She had seen his hate blossom in his eyes when he gazed at her, and Evei knew what it meant. Ren had no wish for a partnership with her, for he had committed some horrible deed in the arches on her behalf. He’s angry with himself, but I am the scapegoat. It didn’t matter though. If Ren wished to blame her, it was in his power to do so. Evei was above begging and pleading for him to understand that he was wrong. Perhaps his hate will fade, perhaps it won’t. It doesn’t really matter, because I know he can despise me if he so wishes. She thought, and that was the end of the matter in her mind. The partnership wouldn’t work, not anymore, not with Ren’s new sense of self worth and arrogance.

“Evei?” Ren called out behind her, his voice panicky. She sighed, and walked a bit faster. Evei had no wish to listen to Ren’s accusations and watch him back out from their rapidly disintegrating partnership. She had been quick to judge the situation, yes, but at this point, Evei couldn’t help but think that she had been right about Ren’s response. Lengthening her strides didn’t help her in the end, though. Ren’s arm reached out and snagged her on the waist, and spun her around to face him. He let go, though, and snatched on of her books up from the top of her stack. To make sure I wasn’t just humoring that Aes Sedai, I’m sure. Evei thought, no emotion flavoring her thoughts as she gazed evenly at the man who could have been her partner. Ren carefully placed the book back in her arms and then spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me, Apple? I wouldn’t have been mad. I’m not now.” Ren shrug, in a rather melancholy fashion. “Disappointed, yes, but not mad.”

She had to force herself not to raise an eyebrow. So his hate has evaporated already, then? Evei thought, rather skeptical. Likely, the situation had shocked him out of his revulsion of her. “So you want to know, now?” Evei said, almost cruelly. She toyed with the idea of turning and walking away, before forcing herself to think through the situation. This decides if we have the chance of being partners. Evei tilted her head, looking at him as she thought. In a way, though he may not realize it, he’s asking me if I want to work to make this partnership survive. Evei almost wanted to smile. With that move, he had made himself vulnerable to her decisions, just like she had done only minutes before. It was a heady feeling, having power over Ren. Still, Evei didn’t let it get to her head and forced herself to think objectively. She had several choices, after all. She could turn and walk away, either to enter a different Ajah or find another partner for the Red. Evei knew she wasn’t the most social of a person, but there were those out there that would recognize her worth as a partner in the Red Shen. It would be starting over, yes, but Evei could do it. Her other choice was to win back Ren’s trust. It wouldn’t be easy, for she’d likely have to tell him of her past then and there, to make him understand why she had told him her name was Esoria. It won’t be easy for me, either. He’s like Diju, and now that he knows my name, it will be hard not to grow fond of him.

Still, it all fell down to the line of Ren’s worth. Should she bother to try for a partnership with him? What qualities does he have that I can’t get from anyone else? Evei wondered. He had strength in the One Power, yes, but there were others she could find that trait in. Ren was brave, to a point, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing in the Red Shen, for one needed to think with their head there, and not their emotions. He’d have me for that, though. In truth, their partnership would be a very balanced one in certain ways. Ren would be the brute force, and she would be the mind behind the operation. There were very few ways that they would enter each other’s territory, which would minimize silly arguments over power. I won’t be able to find that in many other people, and it would take quite a bit of searching to replace that. But was it worth it? There is also the matter of time. She thought to herself. Evei had already spent five years cultivating their relationship into trust as best she could. There would have to be quite a bit of damage repair if she wanted to continue on, but it would take less time then it would to train up another partner.

I think I’ll keep him, then. She thought, with a bit of amusement. It would mean telling him of her past, yes, but Evei had planned on doing that eventually. It would also mean she would give him power over her and make herself vulnerable by giving him the choice between her and another life, but Evei knew that she would have to get used to that if she wanted any partnership at all to survive. She considered for a moment, planning her speech. After another minute of thought, Evei opened her mouth to speak. “My mother was Andoran, and my father was Tuatha’an. My birth was a mistake caused by drink.” Evei paused, hardly wanting to drag up the unpleasant memories. “My existence ruined my mother’s life, because it caused her to be sent out to the country. Needless to say, the next time the Tuatha’an caravan passed us, she sent me with them. They gave me the name of Esoria. My father was gone by then, training at the Black Tower. He’s still here.” Ren could think of that what he would. Evei doubted he’d presume that it meant she had spoken to her father. Which I haven’t, unless he considers Ji’in flirting with me to be a conversation. “It was a long time before the Tuatha’an drew me out of my shell. Mainly it was a friend I made there, Diju, who managed the feat. He was rather like you, you see. Needless to say, years later, Diju and I were married. A year after that, we had a son. Malkir.” Her voice became a bit bitter as she continued on with her story. “After a while, Malkir got sick and died. Things were never quite the same after that, but Diju never gave up on me. Things were getting better, but then the trollocs came.” She paused, to catch her breath.

“I watched them kill my whole family. They murdered Diju, my uncle... All the people I had grown to love. I wanted to run, to give up the Way of the Leaf, to stop being Esoria and be Evei again, but I had to play the last song for them first. So I played. While I did, I wished that the trollocs would just fall over and die. I channeled, and they did.” Evei looked away, images of Diju flashing through her mind. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you my real name. If I did, you’d know who I am and I wouldn’t be able to stop from comparing you to Diju and using you as something of a replacement. I gave you the name Esoria because it would distance me from you, so I’d know that it wasn’t me you were talking with, that it was Esoria. So I wouldn’t be burdened with the fact that you’re so like who my husband was.” Evei paused, half wondering if Ren would even accept the explanation. He better. I told him all of my past just so it would make sense. If he doesn’t accept it, I won’t bother trying anymore. If Ren doesn’t consider this to be enough, then nothing will be. Evei sucked in a deep breath, and waited for Ren to decide their fate.

Evei-Apple’s expression was so cold, so distant from any warmth or feeling of any kind. No signs of guilt, no signs of regret, nothing other than cold, hard flesh. Ren’s eyebrows pulled together in a deep frown as he surveyed her. He never, never knew what to suspect, how to react to her. They had a somewhat trusting friendship, but go too far with anything, and it could and would be smashed to smithereens that could not be put back into a whole. He should have known it would happen eventually. With his anger already subsiding, he was already beginning to put his side of those pieces back up, or trying to. Even so, much had been lost. A few of those pieces had been lost, and couldn’t be replaced. Many things would be different between them, possibly everything. The work he was trying to do would mean nothing if Evei, not Esoria, Evei, didn’t help him place those pieces back in their previous place.

Ren saw the judgment clear in her eyes, in the way she was looking at him. She didn’t say anything; her mouth remained closed, but oftentimes actions speak louder than words. Their world was spinning on it’s axis, and where it would settle depended entirely on Evei. Evei. The unfamiliar name echoed in his mind. He hated it, hated the way that it fit her so well. It was as much of a reality dose as he could handle. She was a cold-hearted, logical minded person, and if nothing about her changed in future years, eventually that would be her downfall. But things would change. Until then, Ren refused to call her a name that reminded him of a lie. A lie that was now in the past, now uncovered. Ren refused to hold that against her, and until the foundation and first floor to their lives were completed, he would refuse to call her on a lie every time he said her name. So Apple it would be.

Finally, the judging look subsided. The magistrate had reached her decision. She looked in his eyes as she spoke, making it clear that the words were for him, and he could do with them as she liked. She’d decided to help him pick up the pieces.

“My mother was Andoran, and my father was Tuatha’an. My birth was a mistake caused by drink. My existence ruined my mother’s life, because it caused her to be sent out to the country.” Ren settled in to listen, his body locked in place. Anything he did, anything he said, could set chaos back into their world. Apple was trusting him implicitly to even tell him that much. She’d been trusting him with the same intensity minutes before, when he’d exploded and acted like a five-year-old who blamed his mother for giving him too much candy. “Needless to say, the next time the Tuatha’an caravan passed us, she sent me with them. They gave me the name of Esoria. My father was gone by then, training at the Black Tower. He’s still here.” A tiny corner of Ren’s mouth quirked up in a smile. He was remembering the second time he had talked to the stunning woman in front of him. She’d been sent to the kitchen with dish duty for staring inappropriately at her father. At the time, he’d wondered how it was that she had never seen him before, yet recognized him all the same.

“It was a long time before the Tuatha’an drew me out of my shell. Mainly it was a friend I made there, Diju, who managed the feat. He was rather like you, you see. Needless to say, years later, Diju and I were married. A year after that, we had a son. Malkir.” A son! Ren could only imagine an Evei that had a family, an Evei that cared for others rather than simply herself. It was not the person standing in front of him, although she had the woman’s memories. “After a while, Malkir got sick and died. Things were never quite the same after that, but Diju never gave up on me. Things were getting better, but then the trollocs came.” She need say no more. Ren didn’t look away, but he felt his face cool as blood drained away. So similar to his own story, but she had lost more at one time. He’d lost his gradually. “I watched them kill my whole family. They murdered Diju, my uncle... All the people I had grown to love. I wanted to run, to give up the Way of the Leaf, to stop being Esoria and be Evei again, but I had to play the last song for them first. So I played. While I did, I wished that the trollocs would just fall over and die. I channeled, and they did.”

That explained quite a lot of things. Ren would have thought she would stop and let him figure out the rest on his own, but she surprised him, continuing on with so heart breaking a tale that a gleeman might have used it.

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you my real name. If I did, you’d know who I am and I wouldn’t be able to stop from comparing you to Diju and using you as something of a replacement. I gave you the name Esoria because it would distance me from you, so I’d know that it wasn’t me you were talking with, that it was Esoria. So I wouldn’t be burdened with the fact that you’re so like who my husband was.”

Ren nodded. He may not be the smarter of the two of them, but he had surmised as much from her words in the last minute and her actions in the past five years. There was no sympathy in his eyes. There was a look that said he was judging her as an equal, as a trusted partner. What had happened in the past had happened in the past. If it took her slightly longer to accept her past as past than it did him, so be it; eventually she, too, would pass through those arches. He had no right to judge her, nor would he.

His eyes strayed to a patch of light he could see on the library floor. It must have been one of the taller windows for it to reach so far, but even so, it warned him that more time had passed in contemplation than he had originally planned. He didn’t need to hurry. He could stand here for another ten minutes, as he so chose, but the world had settled.

“Apple, I thank you for your honesty. What has happened, has happened. What shall happen shall happen. I’m not going to hold this against you. And I ask that you don’t hold my own rash words against me. Perhaps our partnership won’t recover. I hope that it does. Until I see you again, Apple, I bid you fare well.”

The formality was his only response. It was doubtful that she wanted sympathy, and he wasn’t angry, he was calm.

“Oh, and I am going to call you Apple, from now on. Just to let you now.”

It was accompanied by one of his simple, trade-marked grins. He wasn’t one to leave without one parting remark.

But what, exactly, was he leaving behind in that hallway?