A free day? Who invented this? It was ridiculous. The dark one didn't take any days off, why should they? It was foolish to allow just about everyone to be off guard, even for one day. Valarian was done with most of the paperwork in his office, and since it seemed there was not place in the Black Tower that was really silent that day, he had given up on reading throught the few things that were left on his desk. Since no one was working today there probably wouldn't be much work tomorrow either. The training grounds had been nearly empty, and not without the necessary annoyance, Valarian had given up on doing anything useful today and decided to act like everyone else and just... relax. He had started reading a book in the gardens on the Tower grounds, but in the afternoon even the most peaceful parts of the garden had been disturbed by novices, soldiers and recruits, hanging around.

Now Valarian walked around in the city of Tar Valon. It had been very long since he had been there, and some parts of the city felt as if it was the first time he saw them. Especially in the smaller streets on the borders he noticed new houses that had replaced the ones he had known many years ago. While passing them by he observed the people going on their daily business. The way the city had changed somehow made him feel old and out of place, like he didn't belong there. Disconnected from life he kept walking, wondering if there was a way back. He went to look at a stall with fruit and vegetables, and for the first time in decades he bought a few apples from an ordinary human.

Shaya was estatic. The first thing she had done when she learned it was freeday, was to throw off her novice shift in disgust and put on one of the few dresses they had alllowed her to keep. It was nothing compared to the luxurious gowns in satin and silk she had owned, but even in the simple green dress, she felt more like a woman than she had in months.
She carefully brushed her hair so it fell over her shoulders in shiny locks and fidgeted with the dress till it sat exactly right. She had already decided she was going to go down to the city, have a few nice drinks and maybe even buy some books for herself.
Her eyes shone with exitement as she left the tower grounds and headed for the city at a brisk pace.

The city was bustling with activity as if everyone was getting a piece of action for a freeday at the Tower. Peddlers were promoting their wares in the street and there was even a juggler on one of the street corners. A group of wealthy merchants stood chatting near the town square and one of them looked up and gave her an admiring look. Shaya felt herself smile as she wondered just how easy it would be to relieve him of that fat purse he was so eagerly flaunting about. A fool and his money are easily parted and it only takes a pretty face to turn any man into a fool. It had been one of Caies' favorite sayings and Shaya guessed he was right. She'd sometimes feel a little stab of guilt, particularly if her victim was particularly nice, but then they never stole enough to really hurt the rich clients they went for and at least it meant she had the freedom to do what she wanted with her share of it. She firmly pushed the memories of it away, she could not afford to linger on the past now. The sooner she completed her training the faster she could return to that life. She passed the local smithy and could not help but stop and cast an admiring glance on the daggers he had put out for display.

It was obvious the man understood his trade, for the work was exellent. She longed to pick one up and feel it's balance in her hand, but what was the point? There was no way they would let her keep a set of daggers and it would be a shame to hide them away and never use them. She longingly thought of the set she had left behind and quickly turned from the workshop before the temptation grew too big. Walking past the various stalls, she decided it was about time for that drink now. Some apricot brandy would go down very well right now, she mused. She turned another corner towards where she knew she could find an inn and froze in her tracks as she spotted a familiar figure standing by a nearby stall. Valarian..... Her lips soundlessly formed the name she had managed to find out from a Soldier. It had been a while since their encounter in the gardens and somehow Shaya had managed to stop thinking about it. Seeing him standing there now brought it all home with a clarity that was almost painful.

She tried to swallow and discoverd her mouth was dry as parchment. Perhaps it was fate that he was here now. Even now, many moons later, she had not found a satisfactory way of making right what she had done, but perhaps an apology would be a good start. She willed her feet to work and it still took a couple of seconds before she was actually moving towards him. Her heart pounded in her chest until it drowned out all sound around her and she could see nothing but his face in front of her. She sought his eyes for a trace that he would not simply turn away from her in disgust. She needed for him to hear her apology, even if he wouldn't accept it. She subconsciously reached out and grabbed the edge of his sleeve, as if the subtle contact could somehow stop him from leaving.
"Vala... Rei al Dera... please let me apologise to you.." Her cheeks colored crimson as she realised she had nearly called him by his first name. The name she has spoken to herself so many times as she put it to the memory she had of him.

Just when he reached out his arm to take the bag the merchant handed him he felt somebody touch his other sleeve. Without a hint of surprise he quickly turned his face. Only his eyes betrayed the fact he was a little bit startled to see who it was. The novice didn't wear the shapeless novice dress, and even a cold man like Valarian couldn't help but notice her stunning looks. There no longer was a market place, or stalls or merchants."Vala... Rei al Dera... please let me apologise to you.." the girl stammered, while her cheeks showed of a bright red color. Apologise? He looked in her eyes. He had remembered her face, and had thought about her countless times since their meeting on the tower grounds. It had troubled him greatly how she had managed to break through all his defenses and had bumped right into his heart that day. But anyway he looked at it, he didn't put the blame on her. He was painfully aware that he had initiated all this. He had stared at her and she had just been curious. And that was no wonder after that gaze.

So now she stood in front of him again and for a moment he wasn't sure about what to do. He did want to talk to her, to set things right between them. He had never actually cared so much about what a novice thought about him since Punar and that was also a disturbing but true fact. He looked in her eyes wondering if he should be hard and send her away for punishment because she had spoken to him without permission? and almost called him by his first name? Now that he thought about it... he didn't know the girl's name. Well..., not that it mattered. Did it? Valarian blinked. He would not allow himself to get confused. What does she want? Just to apologise? He tried to analyse the situation.

"If you want to apologise about what you asked me in the Tower Grounds a few weeks ago, novice, I accept it." He spoke formally but his voice was soft. He wondered if she would leave it at that, and somehow he doubted it. He himself also had the nagging feeling that this wasn't over. Just her prescence had opened his old wounds and his nightmares about losing Punar over and over again. The shadow of death lingered around him, inevitably present yet so ureachable. He shared another look with the novice. Would she one day become Aes Sedai and die protecting the white tower. Using all the strength she has to defeat the last standing trolloc. Even though she was wearing a dress, she didn't look as frail as most novices. In fact she looked as if she would be able to hold ground in a battle. Valarian found himself wondering about her story.

"If you want to apologise about what you asked me in the Tower Grounds a few weeks ago, novice, I accept it."
Shaya released a breath she hadn't realised she was holding. Now that she had his apology, she found it did not lessen her guilt. He was so hard to read! What if he was just saying that to be rid of her? She could not imagine that something that had caused such a disruption, could be shrugged so easily. And yet she could not push the issue. She was walking a high rope as it was, the slightest mis-step could send her stumbling into a nasty fall. She was lucky that he was even talking to her at all and that he had not called his thunder down on her yet.

There was a good point though.... why hadn't he? Her fingers were still on the sleeve of his jacket and she could feel the warmth of his skin through it. She withdrew her hand as if burned when an electric tingle ran through her and looked up at him as a thought suddenly hit her. Ofcourse! There was a way she could repay him. He was a man, wasn't he? Shaya thought she knew how to please a man and what greater gift could she offer him than to give him freely what many men had paid a fortune for to merely catch a glimpse of? Shaya was well aware of what lengths some men would go to to indulge in their secret desires, afterall, that was what she had made a living off. But then, Valarian was no ordinary man. Compared to the riffraff she was used to dealing with, he was a man of such high moral fibre that even the thought of him thinking of anything but his duty suddenly seemed dubious. She had never seen him in the company of others though, but then what did she really know about him? She had not purposely avoided him and yet it still had been many moons since their last encounter. Suddenly becoming aware of her surroundings again, she realised the merchant was giving them more than a curious look.


Shaya felt bolder than she ever had when on a mission to seduce someone for Caies when she leaned in to Valarian and whispered: "Please, can we go somewhere to talk? It's a free day for me and I won't be able to come into the city for a long time after this." She was almost sure he would either laugh at the nerve of her or banish her to scrub pots for the rest of her life. She wasn't sure herself where she got the courage from to even ask him that. Valarian was one step below the M'hael himself. The thought of asking something like this of the Head of an Ajah was so ludicrous she would have laughed if anyone had suggested it and yet here she was, as if he was not the Rei and she was not but a mere novice. She scanned his face to anticipate his reaction and wondered if he had done something to her with the Power to make her act this way.

He heared her exhale after he had told her he accepted her apologies. The tension between them was so strong it was almost visible. Just when he realised her hand was still touching his she pulled it back. This was going wrong. Very wrong. He knew he was acting inapropriately. In public even! The merchant who he had just bought apples from was staring at them openmouthed. He had to be hard to her and dismiss her or something. For her own good. For his own good, and for the Tower's reputation...

He didn't move as the novice came closer."Please, can we go somewhere to talk? It's a free day for me and I won't be able to come into the city for a long time after this."she whispered. No. This was goint too far. She was way out of line and she knew it. A part of him wished he really would be able to talk to her, but no. Duty came first. He simply could not alow a novice to play with his head like this. It had to end, here and now. His face was stonecold as it normally was and his voice rid of emotion. "You are out of line novice. I allowed you to speak to me without permission because you were apologising but now you give me no choice but to send you off for punishment. You will report to the mistress of novices. NOW!" This was the end of it. He watched her face as it changed expression.

Valarian wasn't sure the mistress of Novices would be in her office, as it was possible she also had a day off. He would have to escort the novice and see to it she actually went to report. "Follow me" he commanded, and started walking without looking at her, leaving his bag of apples he had just purchased. She would follow. She had no choice.

He heared her footsteps behind him and tried to keep up the fast pace. He didn't want her to walk next to him. He didn't want to look at her. He took the shortest way to the towers, which included passages through the desolated narrow streets. He felt agitated, angry with himself. Where did that girl get the nerve to behave like that to him? How did he let her get that far? Was this his own fault? Had he acted weakly? Had he not been strict enough and allowed himself to be distracted by Punar? ...not Punar. She would have done something like that though. It was like her to see how far she could go. To push a man to his limit just to see if she would get away with it. He felt as if a cold hand grasped onto his heart as he stormed through the city, followed by the novice. The girl who had started this all. He suddenly turned around in one of the small deserted street. The abrupt move allmost pushed her against a wall. "Why?" He asked her, his voice soaking with desperation. His hand leaned agains the wall next to her shoulder and cornered the novice. "Why do you do this?" His eyes sought an answer in hers. He couldn't think clear anymore. "Why do you look so much like her?" His fingers reached out and caressed the contour of he face. Her soft skin hurt his fingertips. His hand lowered and took hers and placed it on his chest to make her feel his heartbeat. "My heart is not supposed to beat like this. It... I thought it was dead...."

Shaya knew she had passed an unseen boundary between them as soon as the words left her lips. It was like watching a door slam closed between them as his face grew hard. Shaya wanted to kick herself as she realised she had gone about this all wrong. "You are out of line novice. I allowed you to speak to me without permission because you were apologising but now you give me no choice but to send you off for punishment. You will report to the mistress of novices. NOW!" Coming from anyone else, the words would have slid of her like water, but from him it was like a slap in the face.

She physically withdrew two steps as she suddenly felt the need to create some space between them. Instead of making a start at mending things between them, she had made things even worse. She looked down as she meekly nodded her head to indicate it would be as he had commanded. He set off at a brisk pace and Shaya had no choice but to follow. Even his back looked angry, as she struggled to keep up with his big strides. He was obviously in a hurry to get rid of her, she thought, as they left the main streets and started weaving through the little back alleys, Tar Valon seemed to have so many of.
Without warning he suddenly whirled and turned on her. She fell back against a wall and could do nothing but look up at him with wide eyes.
"Why do you do this?" Shaya cringed as his voice lashed out at her. The look in his eyes accusing her of tormenting him on purpose. She opened her mouth to tell him she was sorry and that she would never bother him again, but his next words cut her off.

"Why do you look so much like her?" The soft whispered words hit her like a ton of bricks as realisation dawned on her. How could she have been so blind? Shaya realised it was her own foolish pride and arrogance that had led her to think she might have attracted his attention. She felt like dying in shame when she realised she only had this effect on him because she reminded him of a loved one. A loved one no longer in his life. She had to be dead for him to hurt so much. The memory of his love for this other woman burned in his eyes and Shaya held her breath as he reached up and touched her cheek. She closed her eyes for the briefest moment to savour the feeling of his touch that made her knees grow weak. It was all wrong, no man should make her feel like this. He took her hand and placed it over his heart, where she could feel it pound against her fingers with a force that seemed to vibrate through every fibre in her soul.

She looked up at him and thought how easy it would be to lose herself in his eyes. But it's not you he's looking at, he's looking at another woman.. A few months back it would have been so easy to take that passion she saw in his eyes and use it to get what she wanted and it would be so easy now to be this woman for him, to give into the yearning in his eyes, but she found she could not. She could not bear to find another woman's name on his lips if he kissed her or wonder if he was thinking of her when they touched. Tears welled up in her eyes, but there was no hesitation when she pushed him back. He would never know how much it cost her to make her voice sound as cold as it did when she said: "I am sorry for your loss, Rei el Dara, but do not expect me to try and fill a dead woman's shoes." She knew he but had to touch her again and she would be his, she would do exactly what she had said she would not and try and be what her wanted her to be, but in the end it would destroy her. Ever since her father had cast her out, her biggest desire was to be loved for who and what she was, not for how she looked or the pleasure she could give and yet she had ended up doing exactly that. For her looks were also her best defense in making sure no one looked any deeper. How many roles had she played to hide away the real woman inside? She finally understood what Caies had meant when he said people like them could not afford to have feelings. She ducked away under his arm before she completely broke down in front of him and ran as if the Dark One herself was chasing her. She had no idea of where she was going, she only knew she had to get away from him. She blindly ran through the little backstreets until she ran out of breath and sagged against the back of a building. She slid down the wall, sobbing as if her heart was breaking, and buried her head in her knees, wrapping her arms tightly around her legs.

Still looking in her eyes he saw how tears welled up. One second seemed to take hours, when he saw how her expression changed and he realised he was hurting her. He wanted to take it back. He tried to get a grasp of what he was doing. When she suddenly pushed him back he let her. He was too astonished about what he just had done. Their roles in this tragic play switched as she now spoke with a hard voice while he felt his legs grow weaker. "I am sorry for your loss, Rei el Dara, but do not expect me to try and fill a dead woman's shoes." His eyes widened and she ducked under his arm and escaped him, running like that time after they met in the garden. It had felt like a stab into his heart. And he watched her back while she ran away from him, as if he had attacked her.

Valarian wished that lightning would struck him right now. What have I done? What kind of unbarable weight have I layed upon that girl? Valarian stretched out his hand to support himself. He would have fallen to the ground if he hadn't. What in the creator's name did that novice think he had tried to do. "....do not expect me to try and fill a dead woman's shoes..." His breathing stopped. She thinks I'm some sick old man triying to use her... to pretend to be Punar..." He felt disgusted with himself only for making the girl suspect he had such intentions. He didn't exactly know what had caused him to suddenly turn around and say those things to her while in fact he was mad about what happened, but he had to make this right. It didn't matter how but he had to make this right. He had to apologise to her right now. By her footsteps he heared where she was now, and he dashed out of the alley in pursuit. He couldn't let her get away like this. Right now nothing seemed more important to him then to make things right with that novice. He wanted to hit himself because he actually still didn't know her name.

He slowed down when he came to the place where she had stopped. He couldn't see her but he could hear her sobbing. It suddenly hurt to breathe. I have caused this. I have been careless. Even when I spoke to her I was only thinking about myself, I never considered how she really felt. When he slowly came closer he saw her, in fetal position against a wall. He wanted to approach her, but something stopped him. Touching her now would completely give her the wrong idea. Instead he just stood still against the wall in front of her. Close enough to see her and be sure she could hear him, too far away to be threatening. He sought the words he wanted to say to her. No more cold mask or pose. He was one big pool of emotions now and he did not attempt to hide this from her. "Please.... allow me to.... humbly apologise to you." He almost whispered but it was loud enough for her to understand. "It seems meeting you has awakened a part of myself I though had died many years ago. I'm not used to feeling.... emotion." He spoke the last word as if it even tasted weird in his mouth. He realised he must sound like a pathetic fool. "I... I didn't mean to.... " He strangled himself in his words and leaned with the back of his head against the wall, looking at the sky, avoiding eyecontact. He thought about the endless gray sky of the dreamworld he often had wished to disappear in. To undo my existance.... There it was again. The selfishness. Even in the middle of an apology he thought only about himself. What about her? He looked at the novice, and then down to his hand, his skin still remebered touching hers. His voice trembled. "I can't believe I actually.... touched you..."

Shaya froze as his voice suddenly sounded next to her. She had been too wrapped up in herself to hear him approach. She quickly wiped the tears away from her eyes, utterly ashamed to be caught like this. She had no idea how things could have gone so wrong so quickly.
This was not how it was supposed to be. She hated crying women and now she was sitting here sobbing like milksop who could not be away from her mother's apron strings. The part she hated most was to show weakness in front of him. Was he even now comparing the two of them and finding her lacking? This Punar must have been a remarkable woman to have made him fall in love with her so deeply.
"Please.... allow me to.... humbly apologise to you." She looked up in shocked surprise as the softly spoken words reached her. He was leaning back against the wall and staring up into the sky as if the answers were written there.

Emotions played on his face in an ever changing caleidoscope and Shaya stared up at his profile in facination. Who was this man and why did he have such an effect on her? Was part of her soul simply answering the call of recognition in his? She actually believed him when he said he was not used to feeling emotion, for the strength of it now seemed to be tearing him apart in front of her eyes. Part of her wanted to take him in her arms and protect him from the world and another part of her wanted to do unspeakable things that send hot patches of color to her cheeks. But how could it be? They would both find themselves expelled from the Tower if anyone ever found out. His next words hit her like a slap in the face and for a moment she found it hard to breathe.
"I can't believe I actually.... touched you..." Shaya clenched her jaw as shame and hurt pride battled for a place inside. He was sorry for touching her? Shaya realised she was probably nothing compared to the women he was used to surround himself with and she probably paled in comparison to his Punar, but did he have to sound so horrified at the thought? She could not read his expression properly as he was turned away from her and right then she wasn't sure she wanted to.

The last thing she wanted to see was disgust and contempt on his face as he looked at her. And to think she had been ready to give herself to him! Shaya nearly laughed hysterically at the thought. What a fool she would have made out of herself! Shame and anger battled inside and she finally settled on anger to at least hold on to a last semblance of dignity. Wiping the last tears from her cheeks, she rose slowly to her feet and fixed him with a furious stare until he finally turned to face her. Why was he being so cruel? Was this her punishment for making him feel again? Right that moment she wanted nothing more than to hit him for making her feel so low and unworthy of his attentions. Not in all of her years out on the street had there been anyone who had made her feel so cheap with a few simple words. Yet she could not let him know it mattered to her what he thought. Forcing herself to smile she replied lightly as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "That is not quite the reaction I'm used to getting from men, but then I've never been touched by an Asha'man I guess." It was hard to keep the sarcasm from her voice, but she did it and even managed to throw in a flirtatious toss of her hair.

This must surely be the best performance of her life, for never before had she felt so different on the inside to what she was acting out on the outside. She looked up into his eyes and in defiance she sought to lash out and hurt him like he had hurt her. She realised he was in a position to cause her a lot of grief, but right then she did not care. "I can only hope I won't lose my taste for love, or tact for that matter, when I have been channeling that long." Now the sarcasm was evident but she was passed caring. He had lifted her up and smacked her back down to earth within the space of mere minutes and she felt completely turned inside out. "I think it would be best if you take me to the mistress of novices now, Rei al Dera." Maybe if she distanced herself from him, she could somehow convince herself to forget her feelings for him. Maybe if she did not see him long enough, the beating of her heart would subside and she could go back to the being the person she was before. Nothing will be like before ever again. She pushed the thought away and stood waiting for his next move.

She was angry now. He had offended her unintentionally, he noticed before she spoke. "That is not quite the reaction I'm used to getting from men, but then I've never been touched by an Asha'man I guess." She confused him now, he saw her smile but her eyes showed a lot of different emotions behind it. I said I touched her, she thinks it disgusts me... Why is it so hard to communicate. Is it me? Because I have avoided real human contact for decades? Am I this much of an alien that I don't understand what she means or that I can't make myself clear? "I can only hope I won't lose my taste for love, or tact for that matter, when I have been channeling that long." He looked in her eyes, to veryfy the horrible sarcasm. For an instant he thought again about the fact that she was just a novice, talking to him like his superior. It hurt. He didn't want it to but it was the undeniable truth. He really was a cold hearted, emotionally dead, tactless hipocrite. It was unreal that he thought of it right now at this moment. One badmouthed novice was putting him in his place.

You airhead... A familiar voice called out to him from within his mind. It was just a feeling before. She had reminded him a little of Punar. The way she acted, the way she smiled. He had refused this was just about Punar and had really believed there was something about this novice, but he had been reluctant to find out what it was... But this... Now she actally had brought him down from his high throne and put his feet on the ground her similarity to Punar was unbarable. Nobody talked to Valarian like that since he had become Asha'man. Not even his superiors. Only Punar knew how to make him weak and put him in his place. Now more than any moment before since he met the girl he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her. He could fall to his knees right now...

"I think it would be best if you take me to the mistress of novices now, Rei al Dera." It took a few moments. He found his way back to reality and tried to make his legs stop shaking while he slowly exhaled. "She probably won't be in her office today." He tried to avoid looking at her, afraid his eyes would show his feelings, his desire for her that wouldn't quench even how hard he tried. He did not want to show it, yet he wanted to make her understand he didn't mean to offend her. What you see now is all I am.

He sighed. "I believe you misunderstood me..." He wanted to say her name, and cursed himself because he hadn't asked it before. "I may be Asha'man but I am just a man. I was surprised at what I did... I haven't touched a woman for 70 years." It wasn't a confession, nor a plead, nor did he sound bitter about it. He just simply stated the simple truth. "If things were different... if I wasn't... I would have liked to get to know you." He gulped softly, hoping he didn't say to much. He stood up, still avoiding her eyes. "You are free to go now. I won't have you report for punishment as I have been as much at fault as you were." He slowly started walking toward the end of the alley. His eyes stinged. He would go to the Black Tower now and lock himself up in his room to think. And to dream. And to curse his heart for beating once again.

The confession he made was just about the last thing Shaya had expected from him. She had been bracing herself for his anger for speaking to him in such a way and instead he turned around and bared his soul in a way that made her ache inside. He had apologised to her and in her foolish pride she had flung it right back in his face. She knew better than to think he was a man who apologised lightly. Here was a man who did not need to apologise to anyone. Men and women alike bowed to him in the Tower at a mere look from him and she had given her a piece of her mind like he was an errant boy. Shaya swallowed slowly as it dawned on her just what she had said to him. Conflicting emotions changed the expression on her face in rapid succession.

"If things were different... if I wasn't... I would have liked to get to know you." Her eyes latched onto his with almost desperate need, as if seeking to confirm the truth behind his words. If I wasn't.. what?? Asha'man? In love with another woman? He turned from her then and Shaya subconsciouly reached out with her hand to stop him. For some reason she could not speak, nor make her feet move as she watched him walk away from her. A voice inside her screamed to follow him and all of a sudden she found herself running after him. He turned in surprise at the sound of her running feet and Shaya flung herself at him with a strangled sob. She had to stand on tiptoe and reach up to wrap her arms around his neck as she pulled his head down to his. She kissed him intensly and passionately, pouring her soul into that one kiss, before she lost her nerve and let go of him with shock in her eyes. The kiss had only lasted mere seconds, him probably too surprised to resist. She clasped her hands in front of her mouth in shock of what she had just done. That was it. She would get expelled from the Tower now and that would be the end of it. Wasn't that what you wanted in the first place? Yes! No.. Shaya didn't know her front from her back just then. The whole world had stopped making sense.

They stared at eachother in shocked disbelief for what seemed minutes, before Shaya broke away and ran away from him yet again. Thousand of thoughts tumbled through her mind as she wondered just how many rules she had just broken. No, they would not expell her.. but they would make sure the rest of the days in the Tower would be a living hell! Shaya realised she was lucky if she ever saw daylight again in the rest of her Tower existance. They were apt to lock her away in the deepest darkest room they could find till she had mastered her ability enough for them to get rid of her. Or maybe she would be severed from the Power even! She found herself running back to the Tower nonetheless and soon she was back in her room, huddled up on her bed. Her face still bore the same shocked expression as if she still couldn't believe it had actually happened. Her fingers touched her lips that still seemed to burn from the touch of his and she felt her heart do a summersault. It almost felt like it had been worth it....