I'm not much for fancy intros; so I present to you, my fellow Megaman fans, with this tribute to both the Megaman Team Community, and the Megaman franchise itself, in commemoration for the recent news of Megaman 9.
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Special Epilogue – It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
Written by – Cyros
Original Song by – R.E.M.
Listen and sing along!All has been quiet and serene in the Classic Megaman universe for quite some time. Being years since his last new adventure, the Blue Bomber himself is content on living a simple life, interrupted only by Wily’s occasional small schemes, or bouts with his eternal rival, Bass. But today, that will all change...*ding-DONG!*
Roll: Megaman! Can you get the door? It’s probably the mailman!
Megaman: Aw, why do I have to get it?
Roll: Look, don’t argue with me, just get it!
Megaman: Fine, fine, I’m going!
(Megaman rushes to the door and meets the mailman)
Megaman: Morning Mr. Mailman!
Mailman: *grumbles*
Megaman: Uh... anything good today?
Mailman: *stuffs mail into Megaman’s arms* How should I know? *walks away, grumbling*
Megaman: *rolls eyes* Well look’s like someone’s a bright ray of sunshine.
Roll: Anything important?
Megaman: *flips through mail* Bill, bill, coupon, bill, junk, junk, bill, dirty magazine-
Dr. Light: I’ll take that, thank you! *grabs magazine and bolts*
Megaman: ...right. Bill, junk, junk, a letter from... “Capcom?”
Roll: A letter? What does it say? Open it, open it!
Megaman: Hold on! I gotta open it first.
(Megaman opens the letter and begins reading)
Megaman: “Dear Megaman, blah blah blah, after much thought, yatta yatta yatta, dribble dribble dribble...”
(Megaman’s face freezes and he drops the letter)
Roll: What? What did it say? *picks it up and reads* Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh- *goes bug-eyed* M-m-m-MEGAMAN 9!? Is this real!?
Megaman: A game sequel for the Classic series... this can’t be real... it’s like a sign of the Apocalypse!
*CRASH!*
(A couple of Robots Master break through the window)
Megaman, Roll: *go bug-eyed* What the!?
Airman:
That’s great, it starts with an earthquake,Crashman:
Birds and snakes, an aeroplane-Airman:
Lenny Bruce is not afraid!...
Megaman: WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN MY HOUSE!?
Airman: Uh oh.
Crashman: Running time!
(Airman and Crashman leap back outside)
Megaman: Roll, stay here. I’m going after them.
Roll: And I suppose I’m supposed to clean up this mess?
Megaman: Yep! *runs off*
Roll: Oh, one of these days, Rock, one of these days...
(Scene cut to Megaman, running down the streets of the city, in pursuit of the vandalizing robots)
Megaman: *thinking* Why the heck would Airman and Crashman break into my house and start singing? Is this one of Wily’s new schemes?
Cloudman: HEY MEGAMAN!
Megaman: WAH! *falls over* Don’t do that!
Cloudman: Whoops! My bad!
Megaman: No harm done. Now stand aside, I gotta catch up to Air and Crashman before they-
(The rest of the Drastic Measures surround Megaman)
Megaman: -away?
Cloudman:
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn-Shademan:
World serves its own needs,Slashman:
Dummy serve your own needs!Freezeman:
Feed it up a knock, speed, Junkman:
Grunt no, strength no!Springman:
The ladder starts the clatter with fear fight down height!Burstgirl:
Wire in a fire, representing seven games,Turboman:
A government for hire and a combat site!Megaman: *panics* RUSH!
(Rush swoops in from the sky and grabs Megaman, pulling him away from the group)
Slashman: Was it something we said?
Turboman: Meta, I told you to should have bathed this week!
Cloduman: But I’m being Econo-nomical! Just like the TV told me to!
Turboman: Grr, curse you Planet Green! Curse you!!!
(Meanwhile, the Blue Bomber has made it quite far away from the chaos below and speedily makes his way to Wily’s Fortress)
Megaman: I don’t know what’s going on, but it has Wily written all over it! Let’s go get ‘em, Rush!
Rush: Arwoo!!!
(They soon arrive at Wily’s terrible fortress, expecting untold resistance. However, Megaman is surprised to find the front door wide open!)
Megaman: The door is wide open? *looks back and forth* I don’t like the looks of this. But I gotta go in away.
(Several minutes of sneaking later, Megaman encounters something totally unexpected!)
Megaman: *stares* What... the...
Expressman:
Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck.Woodman:
Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop.Metalman:
Look at that low plane!Barrageman:
Fine then.Flashman:
Uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it’ll do.Omegaman:
Save yourself, serve yourself.Bubbleman:
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed.Karasû:
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right.Megaman: HOLD IT!
(Everyone pauses in their antics and stares at Megaman)
Riff: Holy crap it’s Megaman!
Megaman: Alright, I want to know what’s going on here, right here, right now!
Bass: Don’t even bother, Blueberry!
Megaman: *gasps* Bass!
Bass: You wanna know what’s going on? One minute it’s nothing, but the next all these morons are thrashing around, signing like a bunch of crack heads!
Multiman: That’s a lie!
Bass: Shut up, this isn’t an argument!
(Heatman runs forward and slugs Bass in the gut)
Bass: Augh! *keels over*
Heatman:
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright, light, feeling pretty psyched!Megaman: Everyone, SHUT UP!
Wily: *walks in* Vhat is all this racket in here!?
Megaman: Wily! *aims buster* Just what are you up to this time!
Wily: *spots Megaman* Oh, it’s you. Busting into everybody’s business like it’s your own. And you call yourself a hero.
Megaman: Don’t play games with me Wily! You sent Airman and Crashman to my house, didn’t you?
Wily: Did I? *ponders* I could have sworn they were right here.
Crashman: We are.
Airman: *stuffs Metalman in a dumpster* That’s right!
Wily: You see? Obviously you were hallucinating.
Megaman: I WAS NOT!
Bass: *gets up* Doc, what the hell is wrong with everyone today!?
Wily: Oh. Oh! That! Well, the answer’s quite simple, really. Quickman?
Quickman: You got it, Doc! *clears throat*
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Wily: Doc Robot, take it away!
Doc Robot:
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Wily: Let’s hear it again!
Omniman: It’s-
Mr. Whiz: *cuts in*
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Wily: All together now!
Omniman: An-
Wily: Not you.
Omniman: *sad face*
Everyone:
AND I FEEL FINE!!!Megaman: *stares in disbelief*
Bass: Alright. Screw this.
(Bass grabs Megaman and runs as fast as he can out of the place. We soon change the scene to the two as they fly across the Atlantic [Bass is fused with Treble])
Megaman: Bass, why are you following me? I thought you hated me.
Bass: I do! But if you think for one minute that I’m spending another minute with those whack jobs, then you’re obviously some kind of insane!
Megaman: I see what you mean. Something weird’s going on today. And I don’t think it’s because of something Wily did!
Bass: What makes you say that?
Megaman: Well, I got this letter in the mail...
(One short explanation later...)
Bass: MEGAMAN 9!? WTF!?
Megaman: I know! And ever since I got the letter, strange stuff started happening! I need to know why!
Bass: So why not go to your old man, Blue Boy?
Megaman: He’s, erm, “busy.”
Bass: ...ew.
Megaman: I just hope Doctor Cossack can help us out.
(The duo ventures into Russian airspace, reaching Cossack’s Citadel a short while afterwards)
Bass: *unmerges with Treble* After you, pipsqueak.
Megaman: *glares* Thanks.
(Megaman and Bass enter the building and begin searching for Dr. Cossack. It isn’t long before they find him in his rumpus room. With a pair of, ahem... “guests”)
Jay: Eh, check it out, Lunchbox! It’s that Blue Guy, Megaman!
Silent Bob: *nods sagely*
Bass: Oh god, not these stoners again.
Megaman: Er, hi. Can we talk to Dr. Cossack, or is this a bad... time.
Cossack: Hehehe, no, no, I’m fine! Just having a little... “inspiration,” that’s all!
Megaman: I should bring you three in for the possession of illegal substances, but I have a more pressing matter on hand. You see-
????: HOLY #@%&!
Bass: Who the hell?
Drillman: *runs in with a laptop* Guys! Did you just check out the news!?
Cossack: Wha, what is it. Daddy’s feeling a bit baked right now...
Drillman: *shoves laptop in front of Cossack’s face* LOOK!
Cossack: Oh, okay... *stares blankly at the screen* WHOA.
Jay: Yo, what is it? Girl on girl porn? If it is, give me a piece of that action!
Silent Bob: *looks* Actually, it’s an announcement for “Megaman 9.”
Jay: ...WHOA. That’s, like, IMPOSSIBLE.
(Everyone in the room [minus Bass] stare’s in Megaman’s direction)
Megaman: Uh...
Bass: Oh dear god, please don’t let them start-
(The rest of the citadel’s inhabitants barge into the room)
Dustman:
Six o’clock, TV hour.Pharoahman:
Don’t get caught in foreign tower.Drillman:
Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn.Jay:
Lock him in a uniform and book burning, blood letting.Silent Bob: *nods to the beat*
Diveman:
Every motive escalate, automotive incinerate.Brightbabe:
Light a candle, light a motive.Kalinka:
Step down, step down.Cossack:
Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh, this means......
Megaman: They... stopped?
Bass: Well finally-
(A wall explodes inward, revealing the hulk of Blizzardman and the Armored Assassins!)
Bass: Aw hell.
Blizzardman: Our cue, right?
Cossack: Da, comrade.
Blizzardman: Very well. *breathes*
No fear – cavalier.Tomahawkman:
Renegade and steer clear!Flameman:
A tournament, a tournament,Windman:
A tournament of lies.Plant, Yamato, Knightman, Centuargal:
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives...Blizzardman:
And I decline.Megaman and Bass: *look at one another* Aw hell.
Cossack’s Comrades:
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Megaman: No it’s not-
Armored Assassins:
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Cossack, Jay, Silent Bob:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Megaman: I said its not-
(A flash a light occurs and the Stardroids have teleported in front of the Blue Bomber)
Bass: I swear to god, if they start singing-
Cosmic Gladiators:
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Cossack, Jay, Silent Bob:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Bass: OH GOD DAMN IT YOU MOTHER F-
Everyone:
AND I FEEL FINE!!!Bass: GRAH!!!
Protoman: Okay, time to leave.
Megaman: Wha!? Protoman! What’s-
Cossack:
And I feel fine... *passes out*
Protoman: Alright, we go bye-bye now.
(Protoman grabs the two robots and teleports away from the citadel. They reappear outside the Technodrome)
Bass: What the hell! Why did you do that!?
Protoman: No time to explain. Follow.
Megaman: Blues, we left Rush and Treble behind-
Protoman: Shut up, keep moving.
Bass: I wasn’t sure if I could loathe you anymore up until this point. But now I do.
Protoman: Don’t care. Hurry.
(Protoman leads Megaman and Bass into the Technodrome’s command center, where the Mechanical Maniacs are already gathered)
Bass: Ah damn it, not more of them!
Shadowman: Uh, excuse me?
Bass: Don’t toy with me! Any minute now, you’re all going to start singing that stupid song! I just know it! I just freaking know it!
Shadowman: ...guys?
Other Maniacs: *collective shrug*
Megaman: Shadowman, you have to forgive Bass. So far, we’ve encountered some pretty... weird stuff.
Bass: More like bat-shit insane!
Protoman: Cool it, you’ll last longer.
Bass: Blow me!
Needlegal: What do you mean by “weird stuff?”
Megaman: Well, it all started when I got this letter in the mail from Capcom, saying they’re actually making a Megaman 9.
Topman: *goes bug-eyed* MEGAMAN 9!? OH MY-
Bass: IF YOU START SINGING, I SWEAR I’LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!!!
Topman: Shutting up. =X
Hardman: Whoa... another Classic Series game? Seriously?
Needlegal: What does that to do with signing?
Protoman: Mind if I fill in that one?
Needlegal: Don’t see why not.
Protoman: Well, the way I see it, the fact that a Megaman 9 is actually in the works, after nearly a decade of nothing-
Bass: Aside from that horrible cutesy remake of the first Megaman game. *shudders*
Megaman: Hey, I liked that one!
Protoman: CONTINUING! The sudden announcement of this new Classic series game is almost too good to believe, so people may get the idea that-
*CRASH!*
Sparkchan: What was that noise?
Protoman: Aw hell.
Geminiman: Hey, finish the sentence! And idea like what!?
Flashman: *breaks through door*
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Dustman: *behind Flashman*
(It’s time I had some time alone)Snakeman: There goes our door.
Megaman: Oh no, not again!
Yamatoman: *smashes through a window*
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Slashman: *behind Yamatoman*
(It’s time I had some time alone)Sparkchan: Oh, I just washed that window!
Bass: *covers earports* Make them stop, make them stop, MAKE THEM STOP!
Punk: *crashes through viewscreen*
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Mars: *behind Punk*
(It’s time I had some time alone)Shadowman: Hey! That screen cost me money!
Magnetman: This is not good.
Geminiman: They’re coming out of the god damn walls!
(Robot Masters keep appearing right and left, filling up the Technodrome)
Quick, Junk, Search, Napalm, Pirate, Tomahawkman:
AND I FEEL FINE!!!Hardman: Gettin’ a bit crowded in ‘ere, Boss.
Shadowman: Alright, everyone, get outside!
Bass: Don’t have to tell me twice! *runs for it*
Protoman: I’m positive that kid could use some Prozac.
Megaman: Not a good time for jokes, Blues!
Protoman: Who said I was joking?
(Megaman, Bass, Protoman and the Maniacs make it outside the Technodrome, but...)
Megaman: *screeches to the halt* Oh heck.
Needleman: What is this? Did the whole population of the city just surround us?
Topman: Just the city? Hell, it looks like the entire freakin’ world is here!
Sparkchan: Not to mention every Megaman team we know of!
Protoman: Villains too.
Bass: *praying* Pleaseletthevillainsbeheretokilluspleaseletthevillainsbeheretokillus pleaseletthevillainsbeheretokilluspleaseletthevillainsbeheretokillusplease-
Torchman:
The- Bass: DAMN IT!
Torchman:
-other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide.King:
Mount St. Edelite.General Cutman:
Leonard Bernstein.Alien Wily:
Leonid Breshnev,Darkman:
Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.Wily:
Birthday party,Mr. Whiz: *in provocative pose*
Cheesecake,Mr. X:
Jellybean,Mysteryman:
Boom!Flameman:
You-Airman:
Symbiotic,Drillman:
Patriotic,Stoneman:
Slam,Groundman:
But neck,Quint:
Right?Sunstar:
Right.Quick, Drill, Star, Blizzard, Turbo, Tengu, Astroman, Quint, Jupiter:
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I’ve had some time alone).Brightbabe, Crystalchan, Centuargal, Burstgirl, Astrochan, Ballade, Venus:
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I’ve had some time alone).Wily, Mr. X, Cossack:
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I’ve had some time alone).Everyone:
AND I FEEL FINE!!!Bass: *on the ground, foaming*
Sparkchan: Oh dear.
Snakeman: So, uh... any ideas?
Shadowman: Forgive me, guys; I’m still trying to take all of this in.
Topman: I’m still getting over the fact they’re making a Megaman 9! NINE!
Pharoahman, Shademan, Woodman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Megaman: ...
Protoman: Rock? You okay?
Megaman: Yeah, I’m just thinking.
Protoman: About...
Windman, Tenguman(MM8), Tenguman(R&F):
It’s the end of the world as we know it.Megaman: Maybe everyone’s singing because they’re... happy?
Protoman: Happy? About Megaman 9?
Megaman: Yeah... and you know what?
Protoman: What?
Megaman: Wait for it.
Terra, Enker, Springman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it (It’s time I had some time alone).Megaman: *spreads arms*
AND I FEEL FINE!!!Everybody: *cheers*
(Scenes shifts to a makeshift stage, where Megaman is brandishing a guitar in front of a gigantic crowd)
Megaman: THIS IS FOR MEGAMAN 9!
Everyone: *cheers*
Megaman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it!Wily’s Warriors and Mechanical Maniacs:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Megaman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it!Cossack’s Comrades and Ascendant Androids:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Megaman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it!Armored Assassins and Drastic Measures:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Everyone:
AND I FEEL FINE!!!Megaman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it!Deep Impact and Tech Tyrants:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Megaman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it!Seven Mercenaries, Cosmic Gladiators and Other Teams:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Megaman:
It’s the end of the world as we know it!Megaman Team Villains and everyone else:
(It’s time I had some time alone)Everyone:
AND I FEEL FINE!!!(One last cheer erupts from everyone as everyone [including the villains, but except for Bass] cheers for the Blue Bomber)
Megaman: Wow! I guess everyone is hyped because of this news, huh?
Protoman: Looks like it.
Light: Ah, good show my boy!
Megaman: Dr. Light! Where were you all this time?
Roll: Think about it, Rock.
Megaman: ...EW.
Light: You can’t prove anything!
(A loud screech is heard as a taxi pulls up next the stage, dropping off another Robot Master)
Elecman: Don’t fret folks! I’m here to rock your socks off!
Megaman: Uh, I’m sorry to tell you this, but...
Protoman: You missed it. Song parody’s over.
Elecman: ...what?
Megaman: Yeah, what he said.
Elecman: ...are you telling me I missed a worldwide R.E.M. SONG PARODY THAT WAS DONE IN CELEBRATION FOR THE REVEALMENT OF MEGAMAN NINE!?
Megaman: *cringes* Uh... yeah?
Elecman: ...well shit.
Bass: *wakes up* Wait, is the singing over?
Protoman: We pretty much established that, Fin Head.
Bass: Yes! At last, sanity has returned! And don’t call me Fin Head!
Quickman: *yelling* Hey Fin Head! You up for some karaoke back at the castle!?
Bass: ... *twitches*
Megaman: Uh, Bass?
Bass: Don’t move. *runs off*
Roll: Why do I get the feeling this is going to turn out badly?
Topman: Hey, there’s something coming out of the sky!
Megaman: The sky? *looks upward*
(Bass comes falling down on a large nuclear warhead, laughing like a lunatic and flipping everyone off)
Megaman: ...aw nuts.
*KABOOM!!!*
(In the year 21XX...)
Sigma: -and that’s how the Cataclysm happened!
Maverick Kid: *raises hand*
Sigma: Ah yes, you there!
Maverick Kid: Did a bunch of humans die that day?
Sigma: Oh, verily! Millions and millions of ‘em!
Maverick Kids: YAY!
Vile: Sir, I hear your story and I can’t help but feel you MADE THE WHOLE THING UP.
Sigma: Nonsense! That’s exactly what happened! I even checked with my handy-dandy time machine!
Vile: What, the thing in your hand?
Sigma: Indeed!
Vile: ...sir?
Sigma: What!?
Vile: That’s a bong.
Sigma: ... *stares at it* So it is.
So, the moral of the story is...
X: Don’t do drugs!
Zero: And say no to nuclear weapons of mass destruction!
X: And be sure to stay tuned for more information on the newest addition to the Megaman Classic series, Megaman 9, coming eventually to a WiiWare near you!
Zero: Speaking of that... when’re we going get a new Megaman X game?
X: ...And make sure you listen to lots of awesome rock bands! Like R.E.M.!
Zero: You still didn’t answer my question.
X: Play safe, kiddos!
Zero: Still not answering.
THE END!
Disclaimer: This epilogue is totally NOT CANON. None of these events happened in any Megaman team continuity, past, present, future and ham sandwich. And don’t get me started on the ham sandwich. The quantum mechanics behind it are so complicated, it’d turn your mind into a Monopoly board. No, don’t ask me how that’s possible. Now to think of a witty way to end this disclaimer. Oh, how about this?
THERE IS ONLY ZUUL. Thank you, and avoid ham sandwiches.