Helen discovers that letting go of the past is "harder" than she even expected.

It was another day at Crow's Hall, The "Open" Women's Prison where Helen Stewart had been employed for the past several years. In comparison to her former place of employment Larkhall, Crow's Hall was more of an alternative way of reforming criminals.

Most of them were people who forged signatures on Credit Card Receipts, Prescribed Medication, Computer Wizards and the like, yet many of them would go on to be productive members of society, who would actively do volunteer work.

Upon arrival, her secretary Melanie Tewsbury informed her that Kevin Hawkins, her supervisor wanted to see her immediately because there was something of major importance that he needed to discuss with her.

When she arrived at his office, Kevin asked her to sit down.

"Helen, we have a major situation on our hands, involving one of our new "inmates". Kevin replied softly.

"Who is it?" asked Helen.

"Someone you may have remembered from back in the day." he explained as he passed her the file.

As she looked, the blood drained from her face. It was the face of Julie Saunders who along with her best friend Sonya Dawson aka Julie Johnston were the comedic duo affectionately known as "The Two Julies".

"I don't understand, she's coming here?" replied Helen.

"Yeah, and she's not too thrilled about it." he explained. "She was crying all the way here from what I heard, do you know her well."

"Yes, I do, she was one of the nicest inmates on the block, she never looked for trouble, it just found her." she replied.

"Yeah, well here's her file, as you can see, it's very large since she's been incarcerated on and off for the past eight years, and her life hasn't exactly been easy as you'll see." explained Kevin.

"I'll take her file and review it and then I'll do her induction." replied Helen.

"Oh, which reminds me, we have a new counselor coming to work at Crow's Hall, her name is Sharlinda Malone but everyone calls her Sharli." Kevin replied. "I think she's going to be a valuable asset here."

"Sounds great." smiled Helen as she returned to her office.

Melanie had a cup of tea waiting for her who knew about Julie Saunders from a case in which she and Julie Johnston poured scalding hot water on the genitals of Damien, a young pimp who had Julie Johnston's daughter Rihannon as a worker.

As Helen read the file, she was dumbfounded at the problems that Julie J had since leaving Larkhall.

The first time she was released, she and Julie J got "rearrested" for working for Virginia O'Kane. They were cleared but the damage was already done.

The second time Julie S got released and lived with Monica Lindsay at her halfway house but begged to be let back in when she "sensed" that something bad was about to happen.

(What Julie S didn't know was that Julie J, stole a pair of scissors on the night she left which resulted in Julie S having a case of esp).

The third time was when she and Julie J did "damage" to Damien and had Rihannon & Sylvia Hollamby aka "Bodybag" testified against them and got eight extra years.

She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, got cured just in time, and continued to move on. She took Educational Classes, even started a Beauty Salon that got cancelled after a pair of "Scissors" went missing thanks to that evil screw Di Barker.

As Helen read the file, she was dumbfounded at all of the drama that had taken place after she left, and although she knew that working with Julie S was going to be a challenge, it was going to be worth it.

At around 2:00 PM she met Sharlinda Williams in her office.

She was around 5'7, had dark hair, dark brown eyes and shoulder length hair.

"Nice to meet you." Helen smiled.

"Likewise." smiled Sharlinda "Please call me Sharli, everybody else does."

As Sharli took a seat, she explained that she worked with various types of women who had various problems, most notably a history of co-dependency, self-worth issues, telling lies to the point that their lies become the truth (in their mind).

"Hmm, well you're going to have a "challenge" with Julie Saunders aka Julie S." explained Helen. "She's been in and out of prison for almost a decade."

"Don't worry, I've dealt with all kinds, I love a challenge." replied Sharli.

"If you don't mind my asking, how did you get your name?" asked Helen.

"My father wanted to name me Linda and my mother wanted to name me Sharlene, so they compromised with Sharlinda." she replied with a giggle.

"Oh, that's very interesting." replied Helen with a laugh.

"Yeah, but I could have been called one of these Afro-Centric Names, ie Trameesha, Tameka, Shenequa, LaKeesha, Keesha, La Shonda, etc." smiled Sharli.

"Oh, that would have been interesting, I have a friend from the US and her name is Tamara." explained Helen.

"So you're familiar with the names". asked Sharli.

"Well kind of." replied Helen.

Since Julie S. had to go through the "process" job like any new inmate, she and Helen couldn't meet until the day after which was good because she could prepare what she was going to say to Julie as well as Sharli.

Upon arriving, Nikki her life partner greeted her with a kiss and when they ate their Tea (aka Dinner to Brits), Helen told Nikki about Julie S's arrival.

"Wow, I'm surprised that both of them weren't taken." replied Nikki.

"Yeah, but there's more to it than meets the eye and I intend to find out what it is." replied Helen with a sense of determination to her voice.

The next day was kind of nerve-wracking. With the exception of Nikki, she pretty much washed her hands of the people at Larkhall, which wasn't surprising since she was the victim of Sexual Assault by Jim Fenner, her enemy who also blackmailed her into leaving Larkhall when he found out about her and Nikki's relationship.

Upon arrival, she entered her Office, had her Tea and asked Melanie to have Julie escorted by one of the guards to her office.

A couple of minutes later, Julie enters the office and she's stunned to see Helen. Where she remembered Helen having her hair go from being dark brown to a light brown, was now a reddish brown that had grown to her shoulders.

"Julie, it's great to see you!" Helen beamed as she shook her hand.

"Same to you Miss." replied Julie shyly.

"I was looking at your file, you've been through quite a lot these past few years, you and Julie J, how's she doing?" asked Helen.

"She's been through alot but when I found out that I was leaving, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye." replied Julie S. sadly.

"Why was that?" asked Helen.

"I think it had to do with the fact that since we got into trouble so many times, one of the lawyers decided that maybe if we "separate", maybe we'd have a better chance in the "outside" world." Julie S. explained.

"Hmm, I never thought of it that way." replied Helen.

"Yeah, but I feel so bad for leaving, she's had a hard time of it, she was diagnosed as manic depressive." replied Julie S.

"My God, I didn't know that." replied Helen.

"Yeah, well you don't know half of what happened since you left Larkhall." replied Julie S. "It got worse instead of better after you left if you ask me."

"Hmm, well during your time here, you're going to really shine like alot of the ladies do in here." replied Helen with a note of determination in her voice. "I see you took Educational Classses in Larkhall, maybe we can use those credits and apply them to courses you can take here."

"That would be wonderful Miss." Julie S. replied with a note of gratitude in her voice.

So Julie S got used to the routine but instead of working in the Servery or even a Cleaning Lady, she was assigned to work as a Clerk in the Library classifying books and even learning to do Data Entry which is very popular.

The reason for that being was that they didn't want Julie S. to go back to her "Old Routine", they wanted her to be "challenged" and get out of her "Comfort Zone" and show her that she was capable of more than she was for the time being.

She met a whole new group of friends who admired her for surviving Larkhall when so many didn't. It seems that they heard about the horrors of Larkhall through the paper and the telly.

Yet the best thing was that it was closer for her son David, daughter in law Fidelity and granddaughter Ashanti to visit. David did very well for himself as a Computer Consultant while Fidelity worked in a Bank and since they were both good at money management, they didn't struggle.

However, the most important thing was when she sat for her counselling session with Dr. Malone aka Sharli who helped her see alot of things that she didn "want" to see.

"So, just for the record, you've been in and out of Prison for almost a decade for various offenses from prostitution, credit card theft, and gbh, is that right?" asked Sharli.

"Yeah, that's right." replied Julie S.

"You've also been in situations in which every time you left Larkhall, something always dragged you back, did it not?" replied Sharli.

"It's true." she admitted.

"Now, the first time you left Larkhall with Julie J., you got arrested for prostitution working under Virginia O'Kane." replied Sharli. "Then according to file, you had a tag on your body, while living with another former inmate, Monica Lindsay at her halfway house but you begged to be sent back to Larkhall."

"That's also true." replied Julie S.

"Now, why would you throw away something some people would give "anything" to have." asked Sharli.

"I was scared that something was happening to Julie J." admitted Julie S.

"Do you realize that everytime you got in trouble, she was always indirectly responsible for it?" asked Sharli. "I"m sorry but that doesn't sound like a "real" friend to me." she declared.

"We were, are best mates." Julie S. declared.

"Yes, I realize that but I think that you're friendship did more harm than good, I mean everytime you "helped" her out, you always got dragged down with her, especially with her daughter Rihannon." replied Sharli.

"Yes, but Rihannon was on the stroll, I didn't want her ending up like we did." replied Julie S.

"Yes, but Rihannon was Julie J's "daughter" not yours, and think about it, did she ever interfere with the upbringing of your son David." asked Sharli.

The minute Julie S heard that, she knew that Sharli had a point. David never gave her a fraction of the problems that Rihannon did, and Julie J sometimes got upset when Julie S got cards and calls and she never got "anything" from her own kids.

"You know Doc, I never thought of it that way." replied Julie S. sadly.

"Yeah, but now you can restructure your life so when you go "outside" you never want to go back to Larkhall or any other prison." replied Sharli. "I mean think of what you missed in nearly ten years."

As Julie S reminisced, she did miss out on alot of things. As she did a mental calculation, she didn't have the following on the "inside".

Christmases
Shopping (Food & Retail)
The Internet
Cell Phones
Music
TV Shows
Spending Time With David
Eating In Restaurants
Strolls In The Park

Not to mention so many other things.

"I want to show you something." replied Sharli as she reached into her purse.

As Julie S looked, it was a little box that had earphones attached to it.

"Do you know what this is?" asked Sharli.

"No, I don't." she admitted sheepishly.

"It's called an IPOD and I can program up to 5000 Songs in this box, due to the new computer technology, do you realize now that Walkmans for Tapes are obsolete, even CD Walkmans are being "replaced". explained Sharli.

As Julie looked at the IPOD, she realized just how "much" she had missed out on the inside, if anything it was like being Rip Van Winkle.

"Look, I'm not trying to put you down but let's face facts, you're missing out on so much, don't you want to have a peaceful night's sleep, don't you want to wake up to fresh sheets, and eating what "you" want to eat." asked Sharli.

"Well, yes." replied Julie S.

"You won't if you keep doing this pattern of behavior in your life." warned Sharli. "I've seen women in other prisons who go out into the real world, can't cut the mustard and return their butt between their legs, you don't want that do you?"

The minute Sharli said that, she remembered how humiliated she felt when she and Julie J were sent back to Larkhall after getting an eight year sentence for hurting Damien.

Upon returning, people looked at them sadly while others weren't surprised, she even remembered some of them calling them "The Boomerangs" because they always came back.

"So what can I do?" asked Julie S.

"Think positive, say I can get out and I "will" get out." Sharli replied. "Which reminds me, when you were in Larkhall, how many of your mates who started around the same time are still there excluding Julie J."

As Julie S. thought carefully, she realized how right Sharli was. Her old school friends all got out.

Monica Lindsay
Crystal Gordon
Barbara Hunt
Buki Lester
Roisin Conor
Cassie Tyler
Tanya Turner
Denny Blood
Nikki Wade
Sheena Williams

There were also those who "died" due to tragic circumstances

Rachel Hicks
Zandra Plackett
Yvonne Atkins
Al McKenzie
Maxi Purvis
Nathalie Buxton
Shazz Wylie

"Don't you want to be remembered as someone who paid their debt to society and shined like a star than spend the rest of your life wondering "what if, what if?" asked Sharli.

"Yeah, you're right about that Doc, I didn't think, but how am I going to make it without Julie, she's my best mate." protested Julie S. "When I had breast cancer a couple of years ago, she stood by me through thick and thin."

"That's very admirable but you can't allow yourself to be trapped by an old debt, that's called "emotional banking" and trust me, it's a very bad thing." replied Sharli.

"I know but maybe for the time being, you don't communicate with her, have her get used to you not being there, and have her stand on her own two feet for a change." replied Sharli.

They both agreed to "future" sessions but when she went to talk to Helen, she knew she was going to have a "challenge" on her hands.

"My God, this Julie S, is quite a remarkable lady, but she needs alot of help." declared Sharli as she sat in Helen's office.

"In what way?" asked Helen.

"It's like she wants to be in Prison for the rest of her life, like she's scared of being "outside", like she's going to fail or something." replied Sharli.

"Yeah, when you've done as many years as she did and have had many bad breaks, you don't think that you deserve to be happy." sighed Helen.

"I wish someone from the Larkhall Days can came and talk to her here, I think it would make a big difference to her." replied Sharli.

The minute Helen heard that, she thought of "one" person who could help Julie S but she didn't say anything.

Later on that night after Tea, she and Nikki sat in the living room where Helen told Nikki about Julie S being in prison at Crow's Hall who wasn't happy since Julie J wasn't there with her.

So after hearing everything, Nikki offered to visit Julie S. A Visitor's Order was arranged and Nikki arrived to see her.

At first Julie S. didn't even recognize her at first. Her hair had grown longer but she was as stylish as ever. After giving each other a hug and a kiss, they sat down.

"I was really happy to hear you were here, it's much better than Larkhall huh?" smiled Nikki.

"Yeah, I can actually have a good night's sleep without hearing someone scream and carry on." replied Julie S.

"Anyhow, look at this as the first day of the rest of your life, move forward and do what you need to do to be happy." explained Nikki.

"Yeah, but what's going to happen to Julie J." asked Julie S. "She's probably dying without me."

"Listen, to me you have a son, daughter in law and a little granddaughter, don't you want to make up for lost time with them, don't you want to baby-sit and watch Blue Peter with her, or have a holiday dinner that you can cook without screws watching you, don't you want to be able to hold "real" money in your hands and go to the store whenever you need to." asked Nikki.

"Yeah, I admit that." replied Julie S.

"Well, you're not going to do that what with worrying about Julie J., are you?" asked Nikki.

"Now that I remember, there was a screw named Joy Masterson, a former Army Officer who emphasized "Education" and told us that we were ill-equipped to handle life on the "outside", I felt so humiliated." replied Julie S. sadly.

"Well, don't you want to be able to show Ms. Masteron, that you were a positive glowing example of how an ex-con's life can change for the better." asked Nikki.

"Yeah, and you know what Nik, I think it can be done." replied Julie S.

So the next several months, Julie J worked harder than she ever did. Taking courses in Computers, Learning About Money Management, and familiarizing oneself with the "new technology".

She even got a Journal that she wrote about her progress and after nearly a year, she got the official word that she was being released.

Helen & Sharli were so happy that they almost cried but they know that Julie S. had a world that was waiting for her.

On the day of release, David, Fidelity & Ashanti were there to greet her where they took her to their flat which had a sofa bed. They cooked her a delicious meal, and the next couple of days treated her like royalty.

She went shopping for new outfits that made her look like a classy lady and not a tart, she got a manicure & pedicure, and her hair done. Yet seeing the streets of London all over again blew her away.

She saw that old shops were replaced by new shops, characters on Shows were either gone or replaced like on Corrie & Emmerdale, and she saw new TV Personalities like Ant & Dec, not to mention Simon Cowell.

Fortunately, she was able to get a job working in a Salon which made her happy since she served as a back up hair washer when it was necessary but the most important thing she did was go to counselling on Monday night to give a progress report to her Probation Officer.

When she asked if she could get a Visitors Order to see Julie J. at Larkhall, it was the hardest thing she had to do but she had to talk to her friend and give her hope.

Upon returning, Sylvia Hollamby aka "Bodybags" almost didn't recognize her but showed her in.

"Umm, well it looks like those "Makeover" Shows do work after all." she sneered.

Julie S. rolled her eyes and patiently waited. What was so strange was that while she remembered receiving "visits", she had no idea what it was like to be a visitor.

She had to be searched, and have her purse examined and then it was placed in a locker and she was given a Key. A little while later Julie J came in and she didn't look all that good.

It was though she aged nearly ten years, and she looked tired and haggard out. She was still on medication but she didn't "always" take it which got her Doctor very upset and angry.

"So I thought I'd never see you again." sneered Julie J.

"I'm sorry that I left mate, but I couldn't say goodbye, they were very strict about that, they said it was the only way for me to move on." explained Julie S.

"You were glad to see the back of me, after I had my "breakdown." Julie J retorted.

"No, it wasn't like that, they told me that I had a better chance of getting my life back together and since I didn't act up on a tag like alot of others did they knew I was trustworthy. explained Julie S.

"I've missed you so much Jule." Julie J replied in tears. "It's been so rough without you here with me."

"I know but that's why I'm here, try to get sent to Crow's Hall, it's a much better prison, they have all kinds of programs, I mean if I can do it, so can you." Julie S. replied.

"It's too late for me Jule." Julie J. replied sadly. "I've got nothing out there for me, not me kids, not me husband, no home, no money, nothing, I'm better off here."

"You have me." replied Julie S. "Remember how we planned to go to America and find the kids, and all of the dreams we had of starting our own businesses, it's never too late."

"For me it is." replied Julie J. "You have a life that you deserve, I don't, I took Fenner's life and I have to pay for it."

"No, don't say that, you were just insane, you just said that because you hated Fenner for what he did to people, please Jule, don't rot in here." pleaded Julie S.

"All right ladies, that's your time!" shouted Mrs. Hollamby. "Say your goodbyes."

As Julie J. left to go back to the cell block Julie S left the prison area and took a bus home. Upon arrival back at the flat, she broke down and cried like a baby.

She called Nikki whom invited her over to her flat for a "sleepover". Helen made herself scarce by spending the night over at Claire's so the two friends could talk.

Nikki cooked dinner, they had a cup of tea and talked well into the night.

"Listen Julie, nobody can make things happen for Julie J. "except" Julie J., don't allow her to drag you down with her, she has in the past and look where it got you." Nikki replied softly.

"I know but I feel like I let her down like everybody else did." replied Julie S.

"Oh, like she didn't let you down, from what you told me, she always got into trouble and dragged you down, most notably the whole situation with her daughter." replied Nikki.

"Yeah, but it was my idea." sighed Julie S. "I didn't want Rihannon to end up like we did, she was in Larkhall for 16 Days for Stealing."

"Now, you can't worry about what other "people's" children do, can you, I mean think of yourself as a member of the "I Survived Larkhall Club" and now it's time for you to concentrate on yourself.

The next day after Julie S. left, Nikki greeted her and told her about the words of advice and help that she gave Julie S, hoping that in some way, Julie S. would use it to her advantage.

"You know I'd die if she went back to Larkhall, it's gotten worse since we both left in ways that even we didn't imagine to." Nikki sighed.

Julie S realized that she had to make something of her life and she did. What got her through was some "Motivational Songs" that got her through the good times and bad.

Her favorite being Mariah Carey's "Make It Happen".

She did and even volunteered talking to young people about the horrors of prison life. She re-connected with Cassie, Roisin, Crystal her husband Josh and even Monica to whom she apologized for letting her down a couple of years ago.

She was even delighted to hear that Buki was doing fine with her son Lennox and was working in a Daycare Center and worked with people with AIDS who were homebound.

Yet the most touching was when Barbara Hunt gave her some money for her own flat to "restart" her life on and when she found out that Lauren Atkins (Yvonne's daughter) was in another prison it chilled her to the bone.

Through Henry & Barbara, she went to a Singles Dance sponsored by their church and met a nice man named Matthew who didn't think any less of what she did in the past.

"Listen, if you met some of my family members, you're a saint compared to them." he smiled.

So life went on, yet for Julie S. the greatest gift was to make a Wedding Dress when Helen & Nikki got "Married."

As she danced at their reception, with Matthew, she thought to herself.

"Maybe good things to happen to people so long as you want them to."