Title: Etude
Author: Emms
Disclaimer: I don’t own Nikki/Helen or Bad Girls, SHED owns it all.
Feedback: Of course
Summary: Helen and Nikki are forced to make tough decisions when Helen’s health takes a turn for the worst.
Setting: Canon is gold. AU after last ep of series 3.
NOTE 1: I’m not British.
NOTE 2: Nor am I funny.
Note 3: My apologies on both. See above: re: British/ funny
Note 4: Thanks to Liza for Beta'ing

:D


Chapter 1.


Brianna, or Bria as it was often shortened to, was a typical 18-month old. She disliked loud noises, car rides, and held a particular aversion to being sticky. She loved animals, her mummies, and crisps. Crisps most of all. And like many toddlers, her favorite outing was an afternoon spent at the park. Providing Helen managed the crisps and kept a box of wipes on hand.

Today was an odd day, Helen thought as she retrieved the pram from the boot of her car.

Bria, who’d remained uncharacteristically stoic the whole car ride, began to fuss as soon as Helen took her out of the car seat and sat her into the buggy she‘d unfolded. Bria rewarded her with an indignant arch of her back-- a protest to being confined.

“Muh!”

‘Muh’ was Bria’s word for Mummy. It was the word she used for both Helen and Nikki, alike--much to Nikki’s chagrin, as the other woman somehow had managed to convince herself while Helen was pregnant, that their daughter would come out of the womb with a full vocabulary and the ability to clearly differentiate between her two parents. We can’t both be called ’muh,’ Nikki had mused one day over her morning coffee. Helen had responded with her usual grunt of non-committal and a kiss on Nikki’s cheek--a tried and true method Helen had found of pacifying her partner-- Nikki often lost the urge to run off on side tangents when Helen’s lips were on her, much to Helen’s delight.

But Helen’s tiny daughter wasn’t in the least interested in Helen’s reminiscence that day, and she made this feeling clearly known.

Bria’s angry scream brought Helen back to the moment at hand. Her daughter’s face had gone red and tearful, and through gritted teeth and scrunched face, the little girl fought against Helen’s ministrations, willfully unwilling to accept her fate.

“Mummy…” Helen prompted sweetly, ignoring her daughter‘s tantrum. But the little girl wasn’t in the mood for word games, and she kicked her little feet against the foot rest and cried.

Bria detested being confined, and getting her into her pram was always a chore. Nikki didn’t know this, but Helen often bribed the little girl with treats in order to get her to sit still long enough for Helen to buckle her into the contraption. Helen knew it was wrong, but she was often grateful that her daughter liked sweets slightly more than she detested sitting in her pram. Today was no different. Helen dug around in her purse for the bit of soft candy she always kept there in case of an emergency. They could worry about dental bills when Bria was older.

Helen finished snapping the buggy’s shoulder straps, and then righted herself, pausing for a moment to take in the little girl’s features which had been made soft by the bit of sweet candy she was still working around her mouth.

Bria’s hair was a mass of soft brown baby curls atop her head and her features were that of a smaller version of Helen--even Helen’s father had said so the first time he’d flown to London to meet his grandchild. She’s the spitting image of you, Helen, he’d said as he held the newborn to him for the first time. He had been in awe of Bria then, and the sight of them together had melted the cold spot in Helen’s heart--the spot she’d always associated with her father. She suspected Bria had melted something in her father’s heart on that day as well, she could hear it in his voice whenever she spoke to him on the phone.

Bria was always quick to smile whenever she heard her grandfather’s voice on the other end of the line. Either Helen or Nikki would hold the phone to her ear and Bria would clap her hands and babble into the receiver-- happy, chortling noises that always made Helen smile.

As if sensing her Mummy’s shift in thought, Bria’s hazel eyes met Helen’s in, what seemed to be, a silent apology for her previous I’ll tempered behavior.

Helen breathed the day’s fresh air into her lungs, and smiled at her daughter.

The sun was shining, she had a weeks holiday from work and Nikki was due to join them at any moment--once she’d wrapped up things at the club in preparation for that night’s business-- and Helen had just felt their second child give a kick from inside her. Helen was right where she wanted to be, and even the park full of Home Office employees that awaited them only meters away wasn’t going to be enough to rattle Helen out of her good mood.

“You ready, sweetheart?” Helen asked her daughter, with optimistic determination .

The little girl responded with an excited grunt, a flash of pearly white baby teeth, and a bit of drool that escaped down her chin, to drip unceremoniously onto the pretty yellow dress Helen had put her in that morning.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

Together, they made their way into the crowded park, and unwittingly into the embrace of the past.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Emms great to see you writing, good start will be waiting for more. :dazzler :dazzler :dazzler

I second that, Emms. I am new here, but am glad to see a new fiction pop up. And, applaud you for posting one. Like the start, for sure! :fanfic

Emms! Hurrah!

Nikki didn’t know this, but Helen often bribed the little girl with treats in order to get her to sit still long enough for Helen to buckle her into the contraption.

Of course she did.


I say again: Hurrah!

Emms, I came home for lunch and got a really great surprise - a new Helen/Nikki story. I'm all ready caught up in it and worried about Helen. Very realistic portrayal of Helen with Bria, nice writing.

Great start to a new story :fanfic Can't wait to see where this is going to lead :) Thanks.

:D Always great to see a new story. This has the makings of a "great" new story. Looking forward to more ASAP. :wub:

Hi Emms. Great start to your fic which is nicely written. Your portrait of the typical 18 month child is spot on. :)

:D perfect girl

Your totally welcome :hug2

I just popped in today, and "found" this new story. First chapter, and I am hooked. Hope you post another chapter(s) soon. Well done...
:popcorn

Alrighty then this is greattttt Emms next chapter soon I hope, nice to see a fic from you on the board :clap

Thanks for a great start to a new story, Emms.

Realistic characters and realistic situation. And intriguing already .... okay so why was it an odd day? And why have they passed into the past? Hmmm ...... Will you be updating soon? *listens for reply* I’ll take that as a yes, then. :)

a great start to a wonderful story :D :clap :clap :clap :clap

Hi everyone. No update just yet... but let me lob a few replies your way.

:)

Louie~ Thank you, dear. :)

Cassandra ~ Thanks for your encouragement, sweetie. They haven't literally gone into the past...just figurative time travel (hm...I was worried for a minute because I thought I'd momentarily reverted to form and was writing a BTVS fic...in which case going back into time would have been pretty likely) :D

If I could go back in time I'd relive preschool. Painting ROCKS!

FanFicCrazy~ Thank you! That's nice of you to say. :)

yankeelady ~ Thank you. I'm working on the next chapter right now. :)

aussiebadgirl~ :hug2

richard ~ Thank you, Richard! I spent years as a nanny so I'm unfairly versed on the subject. heehee.

sandancer55 ~ You're sweet. More is on the way.

SexySimone~ Thank you. :)

LahbibLover ~ :hug2 thank you.

stuntdouble ~ a hurrah from you is worth its weight in gold. :hug2

ETA: 'cos somehow I missed Zena and 5mins

Zena ~ Thank you.

5mins ~ Thank you for the applaud. :D

Well Emms I'm really pleased to see a fic from you on the board as one of the biggest supporter of the writers around the MB. Great start and hope to read more soon .

HR

Hey Emms great start to this story looking forward to more!

Hey Emms, lets have another update,come on, for us, the readers. :fanfic

Ooops. Still not an update. Sorry. More replies.

I'd just like to thank everyone for their support. It means a lot. Really.

Hopelessromantic ~ Thank you, dear. I'll try to get another chapter posted soon.

bgfilly ~ Yay! look at you-- makin' with the pretty words and such! Nice to see you around, sweetie. And thank you.

FanficCrazy~ Hi there. :) I've actually got quite a bit written, but I've been holding off a bit on it because I'm in the process of deciding whether or not I want to rewrite the intro. I'm not sure I like the tone I used. :o :D I should have more to post soon, tho.

Thank you.

Emms, how soon is soon?! :thought Should I start to actually try to get some work done today? lol At any rate, good for you, I am glad you are working with some chapters for us.

5mins~Thank you. This week is going to be a pretty busy one for me, between work and making sure my partner gets her fair share of me ((lol) ETA: She tends to get cranky when I spend too much time on the computer) but I was thinking that I could have the next chapter posted by the weekend. My only problem is actually finding the time between sleeping and everything else to sit down, uninterrupted, to write. I currently work two jobs so it's all kinda a juggling act for me right now. *smile*

You're sweet. :)

One of the best story's out there please we need more :notworth

What a great story, I look forward to your update. :clap

Ok, Emms...(tap, tap, tap)...I hope you have not abandoned this story. You have left Helen in limbo!

Oh my god... I'm so not abandoning! :o promise! :) I just seriously have had zero time. But... um... I'll get to work right away on the next chap. :silly

All Disclaimers Apply

Note: This has not been beta'd. If it sucks it's all 'cos of me. :huh:

Chapter 2

Helen was far away, lost in thought, as she stared at the long queue wrapping in between and around the buffet tables. She was hungry, but not hungry enough to risk life and limb for finger sandwiches and fruit salad, so she’d been waiting patiently for the last ten minutes to see if the crowd would thin out at all.

Bria, on the other hand, wasn’t the least inclined to wait patiently for anything, and Helen had to hold onto the little girl in order to stop her from lopping head-long into the hungry mob--not an easy task for a woman in her condition at nearly seven months pregnant.

Helen cursed Nikki under her breath for the forth time that afternoon. Nikki was late. Nikki was late and Helen was more exhausted than she’d ever been before. Her feet were aching, her back throbbed, and she could feel a headache starting just between her eyes--a headache she’d already given the name Brianna Kathleen Stewart.

An hour ago, when she’d chased Bria halfway across the park, Helen had regretted letting the child out of the buggy. Twenty minutes ago, when Bria had discovered the joys of splashing the water out of the concrete birdbath, Helen had really regretted letting Bria out of the buggy. And now, as Helen stood clutching her crying, struggling child, Helen seriously began to question what force of God or nature had propelled her to even step foot out of the house that morning. What had she been thinking, anyway? The park was not a pleasant place. The park, she was beginning to discover, was in actuality, the seventh circle of hell, and she was Dante, slowly but surely edging her way deeper into the heart of its fiery pit.

Helen wasn’t the type of woman who was easily intimidated, and she had spent years working in England’s prison system proving exactly that; Over the years she’d dealt with riots, contended with self-righteous prison personnel while at the same time keeping an entire prison running smoothly. Yet, for all her experience she couldn’t, for the life of her, keep one active toddler from completely doing her in, in a single afternoon.

Helen was close to tears by the time she saw Nikki striding toward her through the manicured grass. Her intellect told her she was being overly emotional and that the hormones coursing through her body had a lot to do with it, but Helen couldn’t help the way she felt. As a mother she was completely inadequate.




“Here you two are. I thought I’d never find you in this mob.”

“You’re late,” Helen said, less than kindly, as they strode across the grass toward the picnic tables. She could feel annoyance flowing, like hot water, through her veins, and a myriad of other emotions too. Helen wanted Nikki to feel sorry. Helen wanted Nikki to apologize. Helen wanted Nikki to wrap her up and kiss away all of her insecurities.

Nikki, however, did none of these things.

“Bloody traffic. It was backed up all down Barker street,” Nikki said. She could tell Helen was in one of her moods, but underneath Helen’s furrowed brow and irritation was a softness that made Nikki want to hold Helen, and squeeze Helen, and kiss Helen’s mouth.

Helen stopped and turned, hefting Bria onto her other hip. “I told you to take the tube. It’s faster.”

Nikki‘s voice was soft when she said, “And see you miss out on the satisfaction of getting to say you told me so? No way. You‘re adorable when you’re cranky.”

Nikki ignored the way Helen’s lips thinned in irritation, placing her hand on the small of Helen’s back, she leaned in to kiss Bria’s tear stained cheek.

“Someone’s unhappy,” Nikki crooned, she was looking at Bria but speaking of Helen.

Bria could be a handful some of the time, but Nikki had seen enough of pregnant Helen over the last few years to know well her various moods, and she knew when it was a good idea to back off and give Helen her space.

Judging by the look on Helen’s face, this was one of those moments. So Nikki turned her attention to her daughter.

Nikki held her arms out to take Bria.

Nikki kissed Bria’s hair, she kissed her cake-smeared face, and she kissed her chubby little hands. She loved the way Helen’s perfume always clung to Bria’s clothes. She loved the little girl’s soft brown hair, but most of all she loved her temper, which was almost identical to Helen’s.

“She’s tired,” Nikki said of Bria, rubbing her back. Bria had put her fingers in her mouth and dropped her head to Nikki’s shoulder.

“Me too,” Helen said, feeling even more so than before. Helen could do with a kip, and oh what she wouldn’t have given in that moment to be wrapped up warm in bed with Nikki against her. She’d given up trying to be angry with Nikki, and now all she wanted was Nikki’s arms around her.

Helen’s eyes searched Nikki’s face, and Nikki smiled. “I missed you, too,” Nikki said, understanding Helen without needing any words. She kissed the tip of Helen’s nose, and ran her fingers through Helen’s hair.

Helen acquiesced to Nikki’s touch, leaning into Nikki’s long body. “I missed you,” Helen whispered against Nikki‘s lips.

They pulled back, remembering where they were.

Helen looked around, but none of the people seemed to be paying any attention to them, so she leaned into Nikki for one more kiss, before pulling away again.

Helen smiled into Nikki’s beautiful brown eyes. “Now how about you brave that queue over there and see what you can do about pinching us some lunch.”



“Do you hear that?” Nikki whispered against Helen’s ear.

The sound of Nikki’s voice, soft in her ear, penetrated Helen’s peaceful reverie. It was amazing the way Nikki could quiet Helen’s world and make everything still and warm.

They had retired to a blanket under the mottled shade of a tree quite a distance from the milling people and loud noises. Nikki’s back was against the tree and Helen was cradled between Nikki’s thighs with her back against Nikki’s chest. Bria had promptly fallen asleep after lunch, leaving Nikki and Helen to entertain themselves--which they’d managed quite well.

Helen smiled and nodded.

There was a reverent silence as they listened to the distant sound of Johann Sebastian Bach’s Badinerie.

Helen basked in the cheerful melody-- which reminded her of Nikki, and the beginning of their life together outside of Larkhall.

As the music played on, Nikki’s arms tightened possessively around Helen, and Helen knew Nikki was remembering too.

Badinerie was the first piece of music Nikki had ever played for Helen. And Helen could still remember the way Nikki’s long fingers had taken possession of the piano keys, had smoothed across them as if making music was the most natural thing in the world for her.

Nikki had made love to each note, and with each play of her fingers against the keys Nikki had made love to Helen; with her eyes, she’d made love to Helen, with her smile, and with the simple sway of her shoulders under the blue sweater she’d worn. That night, by soft candlelight, Helen had discovered an appreciation for classical music.

Helen looked up, bathing her face in the warm sunlight that filtered down through the white clouds stretching across the blue sky like wisps of cotton candy. The fragrance of Spring danced along the gentle breeze, and it moved against them in long, silky tendrils of warm liquid air, while the sound of Badinerie played on.



Helen was just gathering their things to take back to the car when the unappealing sound of a familiar voice--a voice she’d spent the last five years banishing to the furthest reaches of her mind, a voice she’d hoped never to hear again infiltrated the air behind her.

“Got your hands full, have you?” The voice said, and Helen froze, unable to make herself turn toward the sound. She had the momentary mad thought that maybe if she closed her eyes, the person standing behind her would vanish.

Where was Nikki. Where had Nikki gone? Helen felt panic building inside of her like a rising flood. Any moment she would drown. She wanted Nikki.

Helen swallowed the lump in her throat and turned around slowly. Having her back to him was worse than facing him. The panic was still there, but she managed to push it down enough to keep her legs supporting her.

“Fenner.” The name caught in her throat and lodged there, threatening to choke her. Threatening to hurt her. Threatening to touch her with its cold fingers.

Helen felt suddenly sick, and it took every ounce of strength she possessed not to drop to her knees and vomit. Helen wouldn’t give Fenner the satisfaction of seeing her weakness, so she kept her face blank as they stared each other down.

Fenner was the first to break eye contact, and Helen knew the reason. She recognized the fear in his eyes--she’d seen it on him once before--the day she’d caught Nikki alone with him in the staff room after he’d assaulted Helen.

Nikki was heading toward them.

TBC

Great update Emms. You've captured a lovely relationship between Nikki and Helen. Not to mention the very realistic (but nice) complication of a needy toddler. One thing for sure, I certainly wouldn't like to be in Fenner's shoes when Nikki catches up with them!! :o

Oh, I've tried that several times but sadly has never worked yet! :)

Figurative, eh? Figured it was something like that. I'm more a literal person. Well, if you ever figure out how to go back in time, enjoy pre-school but please choose something a little more exciting than rocks to paint! :lol:

Loved the update Emms, I hope Nikki gives Fenner a thick ear.lol :hug2 :hug2 :hug2 :hug2

Wonderful update Emms. You certainly know how to leave us wanting more of this story. Helen and Nikki are very much in character with our original heroines. More please :fanfic

I love this story, thanks for the long update Emms. :wub: Can't wait to see what the next update brings with Fenner. :)

This story in no way sucks!! :clap

I really like the feel of it so far, and I love how Nikki seems to come riding to Hellen's rescue, just like she did in the show. I can't wait to see what she does to Fenner this time :guns.

I love this story it's just so cute :clap :clap :clap

Oh. My. God. That was a great cliffhanger. Damn that Fenner. I hope Nikki gives it to him good. Please keep going. :clap :clap :clap

This is a fantastic, very atmospheric piece of writing, Emms, and the feelings and atmosphere are captured so well- and yes, toddlers, have that total drive to do whatever that is very hard to deflect. I love that touch of Helen's switching back and forth as to where she is a Fenner suddenly appearing. Keep this up as it's great.

Right am back, nice realistic view on Helen and motherhood, Baby’s on board stickers sound right; seeing Helen is am 7 months pregnant, again.

Nikki sure knows how to keep her woman don’t she. Let’s hope she castrates Fenner this time eh :thought . Looking forward to the next chapter.


Cheers

HR

I can just picture Nikki doing the walk and the look :D

Argh! Fenner! Pleased that Nikki is coming to the rescue though... she will kick Fenner's arse if need be! I'm never sure if I like fics with H&N having a baby or a small child - it seems a bit too sensible and grown up and suddenly normal, considering Nikki's personality and the general temperament of their relationship. Plus I guess you need to have had a small child to relate to what it's like. But you've written this really well. You and CBG are the only writers to have made it work for me :D

Ha! Look out Fenner! I detest him; what a slime.

Emms, I love the way Nikki understands Helen's kind of silent apology. Very like Helen to be cranky but not mean to be cranky.

Really enjoying your story. Glad to see you are up and running!

I'd just like to say a big thank you to everyone reading this... your comments have meant so much to me. And a big thank you to everyone who has PM'd me. :wub:

Cassandra ~ Thank you, dear, for leaving such wonderful feedback.

Thank you, Cassandra!

I’ll keep that in mind. :lol1

Zena ~ Thank you!

LahbibLover~ your words are very kind. Thank you, much-ly.

SexySimone ~ I’m glad you’re liking my story.

Sapphire~

You’re too sweet!

Writing Nikki/Helen fanfic is pretty new for me, so I’m still kinda trying to get my footing… but knowing that this story doesn’t completely suck is very encouraging. So.. Thank you for that.

Louie ~ Thank you.

Kellykracles ~ Thank you. I’m glad you liked the cliffhanger. More to come soon. I promise.

Richard ~ Thank you so much! Your opinion means a lot to me. You’re a total rockstar! :hug2

HR~ Thank you. Baby on Board stickers are totally awesome.

Nikkis Only Luvver ~

That made me giggle!…Wait! :err Err… I mean, Emms doesn’t giggle. Nope.

TerriW1979~

Ahh… I know what you mean… then again, I’m a sucker for stories with children in them…but perhaps that’s because I spend most of my time around kids. But I don’t know… I kinda picture Nikki and Helen making with the normal after the time they’ve had…and it was pretty easy to write a child into the mix considering Helen had already mentioned a desire to have kids.

You have no idea what a great compliment that is. Thank you!

5mins~

Yeah… I definitely see Helen’s capacity for crankiness, considering the circumstances.

Your feedback is awesome! Thank you so much.

Ah-hem. Hey, Emms, what gives? Our girls are still in limbo here.

Are you sure you don't do 'giggle' Emms? Is this Emms doing a Nikki Wade :D Anyway, I am liking this. When do we get some more then :lol1