Hello all! I have been unable to get onto these forums for ages! I've been trying and trying... I thought maybe I had the wrong URL or the boards had closed for a while!! But then it just started letting me in again... weird, but hey I shouldn't complain!
I already posted this short one-off story on the other board at BG Enhanced (http://s1.zetaboards.com/bgenhanced) but I thought I'd post it here too.
I dug it up from the depths of my hard drive when I was trawling through old stuff that's been stored there forever. I didn't think it was good enough to post when I wrote it, but I guess there's not much point keeping so much stuff locked up where nobody will see it. I guess it's grown on me.
Hope you enjoy it.
----------------
Knock Knock
-----------------
Nikki was sitting on her bunk, her back pressed uncomfortably against the cold, hard wall of her cell when the knock came.
She had been thinking about the events of the day. The book in her hands was open, but she had scarcely been able to finish a sentence before her lack of concentration led her to day-dreaming, considerations of niggling things in her mind, as well as big, bad nasty things that she would rather have forgotten.
Helen was seeing Thomas Waugh. As if that weren’t bad enough, she heard the news from Jim Fenner, who let it slip with a not-so-subtle kick in the teeth. She’d been in a foul mood ever since, snapping and sulking through the lifer’s meeting. Helen had asked her what was wrong and she had snapped at her too. It had been somewhat childish, but justified, she thought, remembering storming out of the room and back to her cell, where she had continued to stew and mope until Helen paid her a visit. The apology had been sincere, if useless. Her heart still felt like it had been sliced into tiny pieces. The jealousy and anger and hurt still made her want to be sick. The depression was just beginning to set in. But somehow she forced herself to be civil, to wish Helen well. To forgive her. They had parted on seemingly good, if awkward, terms, and Nikki hadn’t moved since. She’d sat on the bunk and stared into space, attempted to read, stared into space some more, and thought about everything until her head felt ready to explode.
Hearing the familiar knock on the door, she looked at her watch. It was almost seven; Helen should have left by now. Nikki looked up as the door swung slowly open to reveal the woman who had been plaguing her thoughts all day.
“Hiya,” Helen said quietly. “Can I come in?”
“It’s a free world,” Nikki joked without smiling. “Or so I’ve heard.”
Helen frowned, stepping inside and pushing the door to behind her. Nikki discarded her unread book and folded her arms across her chest as she sat watching Helen’s entry, wondering what form of mental or emotional torture she was about to inflict. Helen had that look, the same look she’d had when she’d come into Nikki’s cell upset, the first time they’d kissed. Anguished. Tired.
“Nikki, I wanted to talk to you… about this morning.”
Nikki looked away. “To be honest, I really don’t see the point,” she replied dismissively.
“I do,” Helen said simply, her gaze fixed and determined. Nikki looked at her for a moment before cracking.
“Fine,” she agreed without enthusiasm.
Helen pulled the chair out from beneath the desk in the cell, turning it round to sit on. Nikki watched the way she sat down – Helen’s body language had always been a giveaway, and this was no exception. She leaned forward on her knees, clasping and unclasping her hands nervously. After what seemed an eternity, she looked up and spoke.
“Nikki, I need you to understand something.”
“Feeling guilty, perchance?” Nikki hazarded. She hadn’t made any effort to soften the words, but she only realised how harsh the question had been when Helen flinched. “Sorry,” she muttered.
“It’s okay… I deserved it,” Helen said, forcing a weak smile. “Nikki, I just… I wanted you to know…”
Spit it out, Nikki thought to herself in frustration. Talking about her feelings had never been Helen’s strong suit, but this was driving her mad.
“What?” she prompted, more gently this time.
“I… I love you,” Helen finally choked out, and when she looked up, there were tears glistening in her eyes. “I do. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for this to happen…”
Nikki was stunned. She hadn’t expected this. She had expected some sort of guilty apology, self-justification, pleas for understanding. Not declarations of love. In the ensuing silence, Helen continued.
“This place… it magnifies everything. Every little annoyance, every feeling of anger, jealousy, even love. Everything becomes more intense, somehow, and… with everything that happened… I couldn’t handle that level of madness. I can’t deal with it all, it’s too much. Too many things are at stake, everything becomes too complicated and volatile… you know?”
Nikki nodded. She did know. She sometimes felt like she was going mad in the middle of all of the chaos in Larkhall.
Helen looked at her hands as she fought to get the words out.
“I’ve barely slept in weeks. I’ve been so focused on your appeal, let alone solving all of the other problems in this place, and then there was the night you…” she trailed off. “It was the best night of my life, Nikki, but I’ve never been so scared or stressed in my life as the moment you turned up on my doorstep, or the moment you walked back into Larkhall. All I could think about was how many months of work, how much effort and time and exhaustion and illegal activity had gone into your appeal, and how it could have all been thrown away. How you could have ended up behind bars for the next 25 years. How I could have ended up joining you. And after you were back in your cell, with Dockley and Fenner, and your anger… I couldn’t deal with it. It’s too much. I’m not that strong.”
She looked across at Nikki, who was looking back, listening in silence to the unexpected speech.
“I don’t want to fight with you. I didn’t want to have to end things the way I did. It’s the situation, in here. You knew I’d be willing to wait as long as it took, you knew I would be willing to give up my career for you… but you still jeopardised it all by doing something impulsive and stupid and… really incredible,” Helen sighed at the thought of the one night they had spent together. “But reckless nonetheless…”
“Yeah,” Nikki said, clearing her throat. “I can now see exactly why the logical solution was to jump into Doctor Thomas’s pants.”
Helen sighed again. “Christ, Nikki… yes. I did turn to Thomas, because I needed somebody to talk to who wasn’t quite as crazy, who could look at it all from a slightly different, distanced perspective. Somebody who would give me a little bit of support, rather than creating chaos in my head.”
“Sensible and boring,” Nikki summarised.
“Yeah,” Helen nodded. “I’m a boring person, Nikki. I like sensible.”
Nikki shook her head. “You’re not boring. You’re not even sensible most of the time. You just like rules. You’re just scared of the unknown, the abnormal. Everybody is, Helen.”
Their eyes met and for a moment, their thoughts seemed to converse in the air between them, electric messages.
“If you’re right then I’ve fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me,” Helen admitted. “I just wanted to… apologise. I’m sorry it’s worked out this way, I really am. And I wanted to thank you. For everything.”
Helen stood up, stepping toward the door.
“That’s it?” Nikki asked.
“Yeah,” the smaller woman replied. “That’s it. Unless… you wanted to say anything.”
“Like what?” Nikki pushed, though she knew. She wanted Helen to say the words.
“I don’t know, like… I love you… I’m sorry for being a hot-headed pain in the arse… I forgive you for being weak and scared… Please don’t go… Any of those things would be fine…”
Nikki was silent for a moment and she began to lose her nerve.
“Okay,” Helen said softly, thoughtfully, resigned. “Bye, Nikki.”
She turned and opened the cell door, but as she was about to walk through it, a hand reached over her shoulder, pushing it closed again. She could feel Nikki’s warm breath on her ear as she spoke.
“I love you,” the taller woman said, kissing her neck. “I’m sorry for being a hot-headed pain in the arse.” Another kiss. “I forgive you for being a total wimp.” Kiss. “Please stay and let me kiss you everywhere.”
Helen released a breath she didn’t know she had been holding and relaxed against Nikki’s warm, strong body. She turned around to face her and Nikki captured her lips in a passionate kiss.
“Was it really the best night of your life?” Nikki asked as they parted for air.
“God, yes,” Helen replied without hesitation. “By far.”
Nikki grinned, and Helen found herself grinning back against her will. She looped her arms round Nikki’s neck, holding her close as Nikki’s arms circled her waist and they stood, noses touching, for a few moments. Nikki began to press butterfly kisses all over her face and Helen realised she was crying.
“Sorry,” she murmured, feeling silly.
“It’s okay,” Nikki whispered, kissing her again and again. “I’ve gotta say, that was pretty brave,” she teased, and Helen laughed softly. “I’m gonna be good, I promise. No more escaping, no more scrapping with murderers. Definitely no more stressing you out.”
“Good,” Helen replied, smiling.
“So… no more Thomas?” Nikki said hopefully.
“There was already no more Thomas, before I even entered the room.”
“Really?” Nikki asked. She had expected Helen to be hedging her bets a bit more, keeping the safe option around in case the mad plan went wrong.
“Yeah, really. I told him this afternoon. He didn’t take it very well.”
“I’m not surprised, I wouldn’t either. I didn’t, either, as I recall.”
Helen smiled. “So you were saying something about kissing…?” she teased, pushing Nikki backward toward the bed until they toppled onto it, laughing, wrapped around one another.
“Miss Stewart, I will gladly kiss you anywhere you want to be kissed.”
“I have a list,” Helen murmured.
“I’ve got the time,” Nikki replied. “Where are we starting?”
“Here,” Helen said, capturing her mouth in a deep, sensual kiss.
wow that was really amazing and sweet and completely believable.
I like that Helen had the guts to admit that she’d been wrong, (I guess whether or not she was really wrong is up for debate) to break things off with Nikki, and I like her reasoning for why she’d gotten together with Thomas--it simply rang true, somehow.
Nicely written.
Xoxo
Emms