In this story, Helen discovers the "shocking" truth about Rachel's time in Larkhall and takes a good hard look at herself in the process.
It was Saturday Morning, and Helen Stewart and her "Partner" Nikki Wade were enjoying an early morning breakfast. When they met seven years ago, it was under the most challenging circumstances.
Helen was a Wing Govenor at Larkhall, a notorious Women's Prison on the outskirts of London and Nikki was serving a life sentence for murdering a cop who tried to rape her then girlfriend and former business partner Trisha, whom she co-owned Chix, a popular Lesbian Nightclub with.
After a three year passionate relationship, Nikki & Helen both left, Nikki because of a successfull appeal, and Helen after being blackmailed by Jim Fenner, the Head Male Guard and her number one enemy.
As Helen was reading the paper, she saw a "In Memoriam" Picture of Rachel Hicks, a Seventeen Year Old Inmate who committed suicide when the "pressure" of prison got to be too much for her.
There was a poem that said:
It's been seven years since you've been gone.
It's been hard for me but I still carry on.
I miss your smile, your kindness, your beautiful heart.
And yet your life didn't have a promising start.
I know know that you're in a much better place.
Where you are surrounded by angels in a beautiful space.
So long my child, my sweet angel of love.
My the good lord always protect you from above.
Love Your Mother.
Upon ending the reading of the poem, Helen started to cry uncontrollably, because a part of her forgot about Rachel for years and now seeing this in the paper, bought back alot of memories.
"Helen, what's wrong?" asked Nikki.
"Read this." Helen asked as she pointed the article to Nikki.
As Nikki read the obituary, she read it and felt a overwhelming sense of sadness. She remembered warning Rachel about Fenner as well as another inmate Shell Dockley who along with her sidekick Denny Blood made her life unbearable.
"I know darling, but it wasn't your fault, it wasn't mine it just happened, Rachel was one of many girls who killed themselves in prisons all over the world, she just thought that dying was the best way out." explained Nikki softly.
"Yeah, but she was so desperate, she smashed her cell up, I was furious at her for it, but I realize that I was just having a bad day and I took it out on her, I kept asking her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me, even when I questioned her about her baby." replied Helen with a sigh. "What's so ironic was that I was willing to help Zandra with her baby, but I wasn't willing to help Rachel, what a coldhearted bitch I was." she sighed.
"Hey, don't blame yourself for being so trusting, for what it's worth, Zandra was her own worst enemy, she kept taking drugs, she caused trouble, and you may not know this but she got "decrutched" by some of the girls for a back payment on Smack." replied Nikki.
"My God, I didn't know that." remarked Helen.
"There's alot of things that you didn't know because in Prison, you just didn't grass, but she's in a better place now." replied Nikki.
"Yeah, but what happened to her daughter Maddie." asked Helen.
The minute Nikki heard that, she felt awful because she almost forgot about the child herself. So Nikki decided to do her own "Detective Work".
It seemed that she had kept in touch with Crystal Gordon, another former inmate who was originally sentenced to 12 Months but ended up serving four years for Parole Violation when Denny Blood & Shell Dockley showed up at her doorstep after escaping.
To add fuel to the fire, was that on the day she was to be released, it was discovered that she had stolen and pawned Sylvia "Bodybags" Hollamby's Anniversary Clock because she needed extra money on the outside.
When Crystal heard what was happening to Helen, she invited the two of them over for dinner to chat. Crystal and her husband Josh, a security guard lived with Robert Dunstan, who was their "adopted" son after Robin, his biological father and Zandra's Ex-Boyfriend relinquished "parental rights".
They also lived with their daughter Zandra for whom they named their daughter after. Crystal worked as a manager of a Bargain Shop which was the hot new trend in terms of economizing and many of the employees lived with Monica Lindsay at her half-way house.
After having a dinner of Stir Fry Vegetables, Salad, Rolls, as well as Vegetarian Wraps, the children went in the backyard to play while the adults sat around and talked.
"Helen, Nikki told me everything about how depressed you've been since reading about Rachel's Obituary, well you may not realize this but think of all of the women who've died in Larkhall these past couple of years." replied Crystal.
"Yes, but I feel that I could have "helped" her more." replied Helen.
"Listen, God helps those who help themselves, it wasn't your fault that Rachel got involved with drugs, it wasn't your fault that she didn't have any backbone, I even said to The Julies & Zandra that Rachel didn't know how to use her fists, now I never got into any fights except with Shazz & Denny when I got hauled back, but I knew how to stand up for myself." replied Crystal.
"You're right, I never thought of it that way." sighed Helen.
"Denny & Shell bullied her to the point of no return, and when she lost her daughter, she felt she had nothing to live for." replied Crystal. "Yet, I'm going to give you something that I think may help you.
"Look, Helen I know what it's like to be a bad kid, I was horrible, I stole, bullied and did everything that I shouldn't do but when I heard about some other kids going to Jail, I figured out, no way I'm going to clean my life no matter what, and I'm proud to say that I did." replied Josh.
She returned with a Black Book that said "Rachel's Journal."
"Maybe, this can give you some "insight" about who Rachel was before and after Larkhall." replied Crystal softly.
"How did you find this?" asked Helen.
"When Zandra & Denny ran out of the Cell, I took the Journal which was under her bed, I saw her put it there one day and I took it for safekeeping, I was scared that it would implicate you and others and a major scandal would take place." explained Crystal.
"Oh, okay." replied Helen.
"I'm surprised that you kept it all of these years." replied Nikki.
"Yeah, since I never got in trouble in terms of drugs, etc, I was never searched except for when I entered Larkhall for the first time and when I returned to Larkhall and that was it." replied Crystal.
So after thanking the two for a great evening, they went home and while Nikki decided to do some extra writing. Helen started to read.
1999.
My name is Rachel Hicks, I'm seventeen years old and I am in a place I'd never thought I'd be in, Prison. I was sentenced to 30 Months for intent to supply after being caught with three ecstasy tablets that I was holding for my boyfriend.
I also have a 10 Month Old Daughter named Maddie whom I had when I was Sixteen Years Old who is in care with my Mum, who is very angry at me for not only being pregnant but being in prison at the same time.
Everything that I saw on TV or in documentaries never prepares you for the "Real World" in terms of survival. I am surrounded by drug dealers, addicts, prostitutes, killers and god knows what else.
I know that I'm not better than they are but it's still hard to get used to. To add to the frustration was that I'm being continually harassed by Daniella Blood aka Denny whose doing seven years for burning down an orphanage that she grew up in and since she and I live in the same for bed dormroom, there's nothing I can do about it.
Yet the most terrifying is Michelle "Shell" Dockley, who is serving life for murdering and torturing a girl who she felt stole her boyfriend. In prison there's no such thing as a "Private Life" so when the two of them kept harassing me about bringing drugs in for them, I tried to resist.
However, the one person whose been extra kind to me is Jim Fenner, the head male guard who always goes out of his way to be nice to me, he even used his influence with Miss Helen Stewart, The Wing Govenor to put me on Enhanced which is the equivalent of the Honor Dorm.
I was so happy but I didn't realize that a favor has a price and I had to pay in two ways. First by having Shell harass and torment me more than ever, and having Sex with Jim and although I wanted it, afterwards, I felt so cheap.
As time went on, new inmates came in including Zandra Plackett who was in for credit card fraud who was actually covering for her boyfriend Robin who came from a Posh Family who like Zandra was a drug addict.
There was Monica Lindsay who was in the news for allegedly stealing nearly half a million dollars and got five years, who had her own problems. Her son Spencer had Down's Syndrome and she was solely responsible for his caretaking.
He was in a group home for people who had the same condition as he but he couldn't handle his mother being in Prison so when an inmate and her boyfriend were accused of "passing the package" and a riot took place, Spencer almost had a breakdown.
The worst thing about Prison is that you can lie, lie, and lie to the point that in your own mind "the lie is the truth", and when Shell bullied me into writing a bogus letter to the Dedicated Search Team about Nikki Wade doing drugs, I felt awful because I later heard she was the subject of a humiliating strip search.
To add fuel to the fire was that I couldn't tell her how sorry I was, maybe because I was scared of what she would do to me, especially after hearing about how Shell "decrutched" Zandra with the help of Denny and some other girls for her drugs.
She would warn me over and over again about Fenner but I didn't listen because I felt that he was the only one who "cared" about me and even though he was married with two children, I didn't care, (after all it was our secret or so I thought).
I still continued to "see" Jim on the sly, and when Shell found out, she was furious because "she" was also involved with Fenner as well so she punished me by punching me in the ribs so badly that I had to go to the doctor, although Jim told Shell over and over to leave me alone, she refused to listen to the point that she took my clothes, and even gladly accepted a bracelet after I promised that I'd get her more stuff.
I worked in the office, kept to myself and would call my mother begging her to bring Maddie but she always gave me some lame excuse why she couldn't come visit me, etc, so you can imagine how lonely Visitors Day is for me.
Then the worst was yet to come, Shell decided to make me her drug mule by ordering my mother to pick up a package from her friend Steve Kennedy at a place called Bourne Grove.
My mother wisely refused and my day got worse, Maddie was placed into care, and when I asked my mother why she went ahead and did it, she explained that it was too much for her.
The work, the resposiblity, and the fact that she "had" to have a life. She met a man named David who didn't want to be saddled with a baby that wasn't his since he never had a child of his own.
When Shell realized that I didn't "Obey", she tortured me with "Rock A Bye Baby", which was her way of saying that she was going to make sure that Maddie was going to be severely hurt.
In that moment, I hit the point of no return, I screamed, cried, and tore my room up much to the delight of the prisoners and when "Bodybag" came and saw what I did, it meant going before Miss Stewart immediately.
Miss Stewart was someone who was really trying hard to improve the Prison, she was a University Graduate, had a fiery temper and was of Scottish Background, she also didn't tolerate any laziness or lying especially after finding out that Bodybag was indirectly responsible for Carol Byatt's miscarriage.
When she found out what I did, she was very angry and I don't blame her, I wanted to tell her everything. How stressed out I was, how much I hated prison, how I was getting bullied, etc but the worst was that although she gave the go ahead, to put me on enhanced, I paid her back by misbehaving.
The worst was the fact that I was in serious trouble that could make me Public Enemy at Larkhall, I was pregnant with Jim's baby. I had missed my period and when I started getting sick in my cell, and having all of the symptoms that I had with Maddie, I knew I was all but good and dead.
Dominic McCallister my Personal Officer came to see me who was also very disappointed in my behavior. I wanted to tell him so much but he told me to shut it. I guess his day wasn't any better than mine.
So I kept quiet, and had to go back on Basic and once again I had Denny as a Roommate as well as Zandra & Crystal whose religious zeal could get on anybody's nerves.
When Denny kicked me again, I couldn't ask for help or mercy, because she was very angry because I didn't come through with the drugs for Shell. When I asked her why she was being so mean to me since I never did anything to her, she said it plainly.
"Anyone who messes with Shell, messes with me, we teach them!"
Later on to make matters worse was that there was a drawing of me with my head cut which terrified me to the point of no return, so I figured I had nothing to live for, I was a con, a teen mother, I'd never see my baby again, Miss Stewart was mad at me, Shell & Denny tortured me, Bodybag hated my guts and Jim was against me.
So for anyone who would later on read this Journal, please know that when someone "really" needs help, don't turn your back on them, please help them.
After the last page was read, Helen broke down and sobbed for this poor girl who never hurt anyone who just got a couple of bad brakes in life. Nikki came downstairs and saw how upset Helen was so she made her some Tea and splashed some Scotch in for her.
When Nikki read the diary herself, she was shocked at everything that happened that she didn't know about, most notably the pregnancy.
"What I don't understand, was that it was covered up but why?" asked Nikki.
"To make themselves look good at the Home Office I guess." replied Helen with a sigh as she reached out for Kleenex.
"Hmm, after reading this, I think that maybe Dominic could help you out with a couple of questions." suggested Nikki.
So the following day, Helen asked Dominic over and asked if he could help her to which he said yes.
After arriving, Nikki made herself scarce because she felt that Dominic may have felt uncomfortable having her around.
"Dominic, when you told me about Zandra doing a runner on the day you took her to the clinic, was there anything that you didn't tell me." asked Helen.
"Why are you asking me this all now after so many years." asked Dominic.
"Dominic, please this is very important to me, I need to know what happened excactly." Helen replied.
"Well, after Zandra, Lorna & I returned to Larkhall, we were very angry with Zandra and was scared at what you would say, upon returning we saw how cranky you were so we didn't tell you anything." replied Dominic.
"Did you talk to Rachel the way I asked you to." asked Helen.
"Yes." replied Dominic.
"Did you say anything to her that may have upset her." asked Helen.
As Dominic looked at Helen, he felt awful but he admitted something to her.
"I told her to just shut it, I allowed my anger towards Zandra to manifest itself into being angry at Rachel, I dealt with Zandra's whining all the way back to Larkhall, I didn't want to hear anymore whining." replied Dominic.
"That explains alot." replied Helen.
"Hey you don't think that I had anything to do with Rachel's death did you?" asked Dominic.
"No no, nothing like that, it's just that I read a memoriam for Rachel and it brought back alot of memories and all." replied Helen.
"Well, since confession is good for the soul, I have something else to tell you, that I didn't tell you before." replied Dominic sadly.
"What was that?" asked Helen.
"After Rachel committed suicide, Zandra blackmailed me into getting her drugs, she even went so far to go to the doctor to get "prescribed" medication but the Doctor said no."
"She blackmailed me by saying that if I didn't do what she wanted, she'd go to you and tell that she did a runner "before" I told you and then I'd get fired, I said no but she managed to blackmail Lorna." Dominic replied sadly.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?' asked Helen.
"I was so scared of losing my job and then when Lorna told me that she messed up big time on a previous assignment, I didn't want her to pay because of my conscious."
"When Lorna got fired, I should have gone to you but I figured I had so much to lose since I was still "new" to the regime, talk about being a bad friend, Lorna needed my help and I turned my back on her." Dominic replied sadly.
"Dear God." murmured Helen.
"Well, I'm glad that I got that off of my back." replied Dominic. "Please forgive me." he pleaded softly.
"Hey, there's nothing to forgive." replied Helen. "I wasn't as street wise as I could have been, and I think if I were, maybe Rachel would still be alive today."
"Listen, I've got to go now, take it easy okay, maybe we can get together for coffee with Nikki or something." replied Dominic.
"Sure." replied Helen with a smile.
So when Nikki came home and Helen told her what happened with Dominic, Nikki just shook her head.
"Darling, can I suggest something to you?" asked Nikki.
"Sure, what is it?" asked Helen.
"How about going to Rachel's grave and putting flowers on there to say goodbye, so many people died in Larkhall over the years, it's a small gesture but it's the thought that counts."
So for the next couple of days, they did some research and found the tombstones of the people who died at Larkhall over the years including Zandra.
So they found the various gravesites and placed flowers from their garden on the tombstones of the following inmates:
Rachel Hicks
Zandra Plackett
Sharon "Shazz" Wiley
and of course The Diva
Yvonne Atkins
They felt better about doing it and hoped that all of these women would be a peace with themselves once and for all