Title: Jokes And Funny Stuff
Craig Strange - August 26, 2004 08:25 AM (GMT)
Please put your jokes, funny stories, games and whatever here. we need cheering up :D
Craig Strange - August 26, 2004 08:32 AM (GMT)
Peter Kay
You've probably seen these before, but what the hell...
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may Break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
You've probably seen these before, but what the hell...
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to
forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may Break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
Craig Strange - September 30, 2004 12:38 PM (GMT)
Pirates Keyboard
Craig Strange - October 13, 2004 10:06 AM (GMT)
Who named it that????
Craig Strange - November 4, 2004 12:56 PM (GMT)
My kind of dentist :D
Craig Strange - April 15, 2005 05:07 PM (GMT)
Now that Marcy's buggered off I don't feel too bad about posting these...
Craig Strange - April 15, 2005 05:08 PM (GMT)
...
Craig Strange - April 15, 2005 05:09 PM (GMT)
...
Craig Strange - September 10, 2006 08:21 PM (GMT)
Rasta Surpise,
andy strange - September 23, 2006 11:11 AM (GMT)
James - September 24, 2006 11:55 AM (GMT)
Check this craziness out, the guy who runs this site is bloody funny,
have a search round for the Birmingham song.......
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6352534
have a search round for the Birmingham song.......
http://www.b3ta.com/board/6352534
Craig Strange - October 3, 2006 11:59 AM (GMT)
Family Planning....
James - October 19, 2006 01:49 PM (GMT)
A couple took their son Johnny to the circus and when the elephants appeared Johnny seemed very intrigued by them.
"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked Johnny.
Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the Johnny turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.
"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" Johnny asked.
Taking a deep breath, Johnny father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked Johnny.
Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the Johnny turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.
"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" Johnny asked.
Taking a deep breath, Johnny father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
James - November 10, 2006 04:50 PM (GMT)
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTENTIALLY AND REALISTICALLY
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."
The father replied "That's my boy."
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers."
The father replied "That's my boy."
Craig Strange - December 5, 2006 01:35 PM (GMT)
Charles and Camilla commemorative coin
James - December 5, 2006 06:57 PM (GMT)
Arf :lol:
Craig Strange - January 19, 2007 09:49 AM (GMT)
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Craig Strange - February 17, 2007 09:18 AM (GMT)
Rainbow
[dohtml]<embed src="http://www.strange-town.com/rainbow.mpeg" width="342" height="281" autostart="false" type="movie/mpg"></embed>[/dohtml]
No wonder we all grew up so strange.....
http://www.strange-town.com/rainbow.mpeg
[dohtml]<embed src="http://www.strange-town.com/rainbow.mpeg" width="342" height="281" autostart="false" type="movie/mpg"></embed>[/dohtml]
No wonder we all grew up so strange.....
http://www.strange-town.com/rainbow.mpeg
Craig Strange - March 11, 2007 10:22 AM (GMT)
Try these....
Craig Strange - March 11, 2007 10:22 AM (GMT)
...
Craig Strange - March 11, 2007 10:23 AM (GMT)
...
Craig Strange - March 11, 2007 10:27 AM (GMT)
...
Craig Strange - March 19, 2007 12:19 PM (GMT)
Drummer seeks band....
I think it could be Loz, but I'm sure he's sold a few bits....
I think it could be Loz, but I'm sure he's sold a few bits....
charley - April 20, 2007 12:24 PM (GMT)
Cat Facts
1. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
2. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. We have never forgotten this.
3. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
4. Dogs come when they're called, cats take a message and get back to you later.
5. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
1. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
2. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. We have never forgotten this.
3. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
4. Dogs come when they're called, cats take a message and get back to you later.
5. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
Craig Strange - April 22, 2007 03:21 PM (GMT)
Star Wars Dead Ringers
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Chris - May 23, 2007 08:27 PM (GMT)
Hey Guys, you too can have the same adoration i recieve when using my glow drumsticks...... :D :D :D :D :blink:
Craig Strange - May 24, 2007 11:10 AM (GMT)
Call me stupid, old, bald etc..
But what the hell are they?
But what the hell are they?
Chris - May 24, 2007 12:38 PM (GMT)
glowing plectrums!!! ;)
Chris - May 27, 2007 12:33 PM (GMT)
Craig Strange - June 5, 2007 01:05 PM (GMT)
Silly quotes. Real things real people have said....
I'll add to these as I get more:
1. We're cutting corners left right and centre
2. These companies are finding that the cash-cow has come home to roost
I'll add to these as I get more:
1. We're cutting corners left right and centre
2. These companies are finding that the cash-cow has come home to roost
Ozric - June 14, 2007 02:22 PM (GMT)
If you laugh at this you'll go to hell New Wheels on the block
Craig Strange - June 15, 2007 11:40 AM (GMT)
At first I thought..... Oh my god I'm going to have to delete this post, it's uber bad-taste.
Then as I watched, I realised that they were sending themselves up with phrases like 'My legs are not OK, but at least I'm not gay!" and "Oh the hunk is here, OhOh he's living in a wheelchair!".
Genius...
Then as I watched, I realised that they were sending themselves up with phrases like 'My legs are not OK, but at least I'm not gay!" and "Oh the hunk is here, OhOh he's living in a wheelchair!".
Genius...
Craig Strange - September 29, 2007 01:06 PM (GMT)
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I pissed myself at this....
I pissed myself at this....
Chris - October 8, 2007 07:28 PM (GMT)
that's ace!!
Chris - October 8, 2007 07:41 PM (GMT)
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Jase, hows about it as an encore?
Jase, hows about it as an encore?
Craig Strange - June 12, 2008 08:20 AM (GMT)
Time to replace the church window?
Craig Strange - June 17, 2008 11:38 AM (GMT)
James, when we were talking about a Spam Purse is this what you meant?
James - June 17, 2008 04:44 PM (GMT)
Not quite!!
The reference book i have here gives the definition;
SPAM PURSE
A paticularly unsightly snapper, usually found in the nether regions of women with lovely personalities
The reference book i have here gives the definition;
SPAM PURSE
A paticularly unsightly snapper, usually found in the nether regions of women with lovely personalities
James - June 21, 2008 04:03 PM (GMT)
Craig Strange - June 21, 2008 05:03 PM (GMT)
Fan-fucking-tastic. I so look forward to our first gig!!!! :D :D
PS. Dickless Fagott is what 'er indoors is cooking tonight for tea.
PS. Dickless Fagott is what 'er indoors is cooking tonight for tea.