This is a thread started in the old forum. You can read what happened before right HERE


Have fun continuing the joking! :)
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Yes, what Stormy said, but here's a little add-on ~ Tie

G'day and welcome to The joke thread!

I'll start out by telling that all spam WILL be deleted from this thread, comments and jokes are more then welcome, but don't spam! And then, ofcourse, I expect all the comedians to be within the rules of The Lair in their jokes.. The rules can be found in the pinned thread at the top!

Well, this place is a place for fun and humour, here you will experience the best jokes, the best humour and the best comedians ever!
We have our own stage here and our own mic, which have been donated from the legendary joke thread in L1!
All comedians have to get on stage, grab the mic and give us their best shot!
So sit back and relax, and don't forget to enjoy the show!

And the first one's up is.... ME!!!

Rightie!

*Get's on stage and graps mic*

Signs seen near church

The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Thank you, thank you very much!

*Bows*

Alrightie... One more, just to warm you up for the next comedian!

Two students miss a final exam

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?


And thank you, thank you all, you've been great!

*Get's off stage and hands the mic to the next comedian*

OK - joking continues.

*grabs mic*

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same.
Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are
generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit
to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other
men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're
apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Maria

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit
to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other
men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When
we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

Maria

*replaces mic*

Good one Mors. Ahem

*grabs mic*

"Three Japanese Men"

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are furiously masturbating.

She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"

One man replies, "We all very hungry!"

She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"

Another man answers, "Because menu say 'First Come, First Served!'"

Boo! Your jokes stink!
You suck!

*person jumps on stage, and starts beating elitekillur117 w/ chair*

:wwe:

*grabs mic*

Kids' views on marriage...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
****************************************************
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck
with.
* Kirsten, age 10

******************************************************************
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

******************************************************************
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

******************************************************************
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8

******************************************************************
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

******************************************************************
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

*******************************************************************
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

******************************************************************
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9

******************************************************************
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure
would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 8

******************************************************************
..the grand finale...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10 (the Lord hath spoke).

*drops mic on floor*

who needs a mic


I know your listening

yes you better be :whip:


a man is taking an airline trip. he boards the plane, and finds his seat. beside him is a nice woman, they mind their own business, and the plane takes off. after about 10 mins the woman sneezes, and shakes violently. she wipes her nose, and goes about minding her business. the man was a bit curious, but continued about his buisiness. after another bit of time passes, the Woman sneezes again, and shakes violently. the man with ever growing curiosity, but being polite minds his buisiness. another few minutes passes and the woman sneezes again, and again shakes violently afterward. the man not being able to stand it, finally asks "are you ok?" she looks at him and says "o yes Im fine"

he was quiet for a moment and asks "why do you shake so after sneezing?'

"o thats simply a slight dissorder I have that causes me to have orgasms when I sneeze"

the man was embarassed and quickly thought of something to ask.

"what do you take for it?"

she looked at him and said

"PEPPER!!"

:tongue:

:rofl:

But I don't think they could hear you at the back, Vals!

i couldnt hear her! WHAT SHE SAY ABOUT ORGYS? THAT SOUNDED INTERESTING!

lol ....but dont you mean orgasm? thats grand :rofl: i love it .......sneezing orgasms lol :rofl:

tytytytytytytytytyty



thats always been one of my favorites



^_^ :groupbounce1:

hitler in one of his speeches, tryes cheering his soldiers. he tells the following joke, trying to speak english with his hineous accent

"24 hour banking.... I dont have time for that." - Steven Wright

"Why do the Dutch people have 2 names for their country, Holland and The Netherlands, when neither one contains the word Dutch?" - George Carlin

"When your car is going the speed of light, what do your headlights do?" - Steven Wright

"Some see the glass as half-empty. Some see the glass as helf-full. I see the glass as too big." - George Carlin

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." - Steven Wright

"A sure way to sure the hiccups is to jam your fist down the affected persons throat and quickly open and close your hand several times. It relaxes the vega nerve" - George Carlin


I got way more where those came from.

*Gets on stage.. Again*

Rightie... So! Let's get the jokes rollin'!Don't say this to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?


And one more police joke!

Police chief hates you
Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.

9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."

8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.

5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

*Throws the mic to the next comedian, and hurries off stage, just in case there should be an officer amongst the crowd*

*Catches mic and gets up on the stage... again*

Right... Hi folks!
I have chosen to come back due to the very serious state I'm in.. It's known as... Boredom!

So.. A little thought I found about the english language!

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.


Ok, and I haven't even started yet!
Check this out!!

Europe English
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

*Bovs*
*Get'z of stage an hans ze mik to ze nekst komedian*
:rofl:

Stephen Wright...one of my favourite comedians of all time. Pure classic...

*grabs mic*

I never really noticed before...but a frisbee gets bigger and bigger the closer it gets to you.

And then it hit me...

*silence*

Okayyy...I'm outta here...

Sorry Skwid, but... "BOO!"

Yay, someone broke the silence! ^_^

:wub:

This would be way funnier if the comedians said "LOL" after every joke they made.

*grabs mic*

A guy walks into a bar.

"Ouch", he says.



No? Okay...

A baby seal walks into a club.

I repeat...a baby seal walks into a club...



One more? Sure!

Two irish fellas walk out of a pub...

What...it could happen!!

*drops mic and bolts off stage*

Jesus, Moses and a little guy with a white beard are playing golf. They come to a lake. Moses raises his staff, splits the water, hits the ball, lands it in the hole. Jesus hits the ball, it lands on a floating log. He walks on the water, hits the ball, lands it in the hole. The little gray haired guy comes up, hits the ball. It hits a stone it ricochetes on a mountain. Lands in a volcano. It spits the ball out. It hits a plane, falls back in the water, a frog swallows it, a stork eats the frog, spits it back out right into the hole. Moses approaches Jesus and taps his shoulder.

"This is the last time I'm competing against your dad..."

*Grabs mic*

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up
with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a
shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he
came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He
approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn
cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see His
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came
the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man,
you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into
being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.
I've changed."................................















Keep scrolling





















Wait for it.......................................







"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

*drops mic and runs*

Get him!!

*runs faster*

*trips Mors*

What do you call people afraid of Santaclaus?


...


...


...


...


...


Claustrophobic

<_<

Whacks Reki with a chistmas pudding.

uhuh

You need jokes? Don't you?

Stop running after Mors and gimme some good jokes then! ;)





:kiss:

You know, it is easy to go on with these stupid and childish jokes ... Fun tooooooo :tongue:




What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?



...



...



...



Crisp Cringle

Why is santa always so happy??




Because he knows where all the bad girls live

Bobby says: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:















...and you thought Mors' joke was bad...






































You've Got Male!

:rofl:

Skwid, that joke was so bad it broke 27 laws in 52 states. :angry:

What do Skwid and old milk have in common? Both are spoiled and really bad... joke tellers. :unsure:

Oh all right.

"A black family is sick of being exploited and suppressed, so they go to their village shaman to ask him how they can become white again. The shaman does a rain dance and rolls the bones and says: "There be a river next to tha village, mon. You swim to othah side. But! You watch out fo' crockahdiles!"

Very well, the family, mommy, daddy, big sister and little brother stand at the bank of the river in their swimming trunks (i.e. in the buff). And indeed, the stream is chock full o' crocodiles.

The father, however, both out of desire to be white and motivated to impress his family, jumps in and starts swimming. The crocodiles almost get him, but he makes it to the other bank and climbs out cheering, for indeed, he is now white.

The mother realizes she'll have to go next, so she jumps right in and swims. The crocodiles get closer this time, but she makes it across unscathed. And lo and behold, she's white!

The daughter is next. She jumps in and makes it to the other bank, with a crocodile's jaws barely missing her. She joins her father and mother as they wait fot the last one, the little brother, to jump in. he jumps in, but before he's halfway, a crocodile clamps its jaws closed, pinning the boy down. The boy screams and thrashes, but the crocodile doesn't let go.

"Sembe!" the mother calls to her husband. "Do something! Jump in! Save our boy!"
"Jump in?" The father asks. "And risk my life? For that little black shit?"

some of the best jokes come from old milk!

Is it good or not?

No... <_<

If the crocodiles bit off the kid's head, we could call him shit head. :wub:

What do women and shrimp have in common?


Their heads are both full of shit, but the pink bits are nice!




*runs like hell*

That wasn't too bad!

*Dirty and racist - abstain if your heart bleeds*

How do Morroccans reproduce?

- The man jacks off on the wall and the flies do the rest.

:wwe:

:whip:

Shrimp tastes good. ^_^

A short one:

"How many pallbearers does it take to have a funeral in Harlem?

- Five: four to carry the coffin and one to carry the ghettoblaster"