CHAPTER 1
The team meets

Sachi was lying on his bed when his adopted brother Iruku barged into his room and says.
“Sachi, Tamari is here.”
Sachi replies, “ok send her in, hi Tamari what’s up.”
“Nothing just was wondering could my sister stay here for a while.”
“Ok, whatever, there’s a spare room two rooms to the left.”
“Thank you. All the hotels keep running her out since she’s a criminal”
Sachi screams, “SHES A CRIMINAL”
“Yes”
“Well what ever”
At that second Echie barges in and says, “Sachi, Tsunade said to tell you she found the last of the demons.”
“Ok tell her I’m on it.”
“So Tamari you want to go get some ramen.”
“Yea that sounds good.”

It's good so far... I don't wanna crack you over the head or anything, but you could improve on some things.

Try to remember to put periods on the end of your sentences. I know that's not a biggie but it drives me crazy!!

It's kinda random right now... like people popping up out of nowere and stuff but I think it'll get better when you write more!

I'm tryin to be helpful, not mean or anything.

WRITE MORE!!! =)

:daydream: :kittylove: :music: :victory: :excited:

^_^ HERE IS THE UPDATE


CHAPTER 2
The first mission

After Temari and Sachi finish eating they are called into Tsunade’s office. There they meet Echie and Iruku and Ankarra (Tamari’s sister). Tsunade begins to tell them about their mission. “Your first mission together is.”
All five replies at the same time “we’re working together.”
Then Sachi says, “I thought Ankarra was a criminal.”
Tsunade replies “she was but she became a villager, so as I was saying you five are going after Sasuke for your first mission (its an A-rank [he’s Sachi’s father.)
Sachi replies “WHAT he’s the top criminal from are village and I haven’t seen him since I was 10 and along with him as a criminal.”
“That’s why your going to maybe you can talk him in to coming back.”
“But he’s never paid any attention to me before why would he start now”
Tsunade screams “ JUST GO NOW”

I like! Cross out what I said about people just popping up. It's getting good!! :kittylove:

told ya so

CHAPTER 3
On the road

So Sachi and his team left and started towards the sound village. And Temari says, “so Sachi how are we going to get your father back.”
“I don’t think we can” Sachi replies.
“That’s great”
So they keep walking and run into a guy how asked If they had any spare change but of coarce they had to say no. Finally they got to the sound Village where Sasuke was.


CHAPTER 4
Sachi vs. Sasuke

Sachi says, “dad it good to see you again were here to take you back”
Sasuke replies “that will never happen Sachi I can never come back I won’t be welcome.”
“Dad, Tsunade’s the one how sent us to get you.”
“So the people will never like me they all hate me people keep coming after me. To destroy me.” Sasuke replies
“Fine then I jess I will just have to bring you by force FATHER I CHALENGE YOU come on fight me.”
“Ok fine bring it on kid”
They to start fighting and seem evenly matched Intel Sasuke disappears out of nowhere and appears behind Sachi and knocks him out. Then runs off.

theres the next to ^_^

Ouchie. Out cold. YAY!

i hope to have more ASAP

Would it kill you to put in more detail? Make it longer? I'm sorry, it's bad enough that Iruku makes me think of Iruka . . . or are you just misspelling his name?

Plenty of spelling/grammar mistakes as well.

I won't say anything on the main character, since my friend and I are writing a Sasuke OC kids fic, though I get the feeling they're much less Mary-Sue-ish.

Your plot needs to be more defined. Is this all about getting Sasuke back? And how old is Sasuke? If he has a kid that old, he has to be at least in his twenties. So that means Orochimaru should have taken over Sasuke's body by now, or Sasuke killed him, which means Sasuke wouldn't even be with the Sound Village anymore, but after Itachi. Unless Itachi is dead. Which you would really need to explain.

thz for the indise this is my first one and i just wrote it as it came out of my head