OK I've never watched the show....but I'm writing this from what my BFF tells me.

Chapter One:Unexpected Guest
Kagome's POV
"It was a dark and stormy night......everything was silent,exept the thunder.....," blared the TV in Kagome's room. All of a sudden a knock came from the front door. "Wonder who that is...",she said glancing at the clock ".......WHO would come at eleven o'clock at night????" As she opened the door,she thought I wonder what's for dinner tomorrow............ "KNOOOOCK-KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!," yelled an impatiant visitor. "YEASH!!!! I'm coming,I'm coming!" 'Ding-Do-' began the doorbell. "You knock OR ring that doorbell one more time,I'm gonna leave you standin' out there in the cold rain,ALLLLLLLLLLLL alone,wishin' you'd been more patiant!!!," yelled an angry Kags. "Fine," came a muffled voice from the other side of the door.
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I would write more but i have snooze brain............. :yawned:

sweet fic kilalademon...UPDATE!!!!!!!

......

Why are you writing fan fic for a show you've never watched?

And is that seriously all the first chapter? That's, really not a chapter. That's more, a 10th of a chapter. Rule of thumb, if it's not a full page on Microsoft Word, don't post it. And every time there's a new speaker, they get their own paragraph.

The 'yelled an angry kags' Please; for the love of god, never ever put nicknames in fic UNLESS it is a character saying them. It makes it sound unprofessional.

Detail. Detail detail detail. That's what you need in this story. I could go though this same exact scene in a million different ways. That is why you want to have enough detail so that the reader can see the scene in a certain way. A little leeway is okay, but the lack of detail you have is too much.

Again, back to the, why are you writing a fan fic for a show you've never watched? If you've never watched it, you can't keep it the characters, well, in character. Kagome didn't even SOUND like Kagome. Nor did she act like it.

I'm saying this as the truth. Not as to be mean. But this fic needs A LOT of work before you post the next chapter. (Which hopefully, will be at least 5 times that long)

Amen to that.

I have nothing else to add. She said it all for me. xD

Sorry :blush: :chidorisd: ................this is my first Fanfic..................please don't get mad at me--I do watch the show when I spend the nite @ my freinds house nearly every Friday........................... :worried: I will update now.

Chapter One (cont.)
Inuyasha's POV
WHO would take this long to get to the door besides Kagome???? He thought. A RUSTLE,SHUFFLE,SNAP,POP!!!!! came from the bushes lining Kagome's walkway. "Grrrrrrrr...................Sesshomarou,I know that's you................I can smell you ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLll
the way over here..........................!!!!". "Okay,'BROTHER',you caught me,but that doesn't mean anything ",said Shesshomarou.

Kagome's POV
*CREAK* "H-He--AHHH!!!" *SLAM* "Go away you dog-eared FREAK!!!!!!" A sigh came from the other side of the door. Then footsteps started and faded down the walk.
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No more. I'm not in a good mood after what you said to me :cryriver: So PLLLLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBHHHHH
TTTTTT!!!! I'm not a very good writer and I'm doing this for school to 'improve' my writing--my teacher said to work on it,so I am. So HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
A!!! :kicking:

...Since you clearly don't understand that what I said was to HELP YOU IMPROVE, I'll say it simply. (I don't say this to be mean. I SAY THIS TO -HELP YOU-.)

Read some other fan fics before writing your own. There are multiple fics on here that are pretty good. (I suggest something like, Unforgiving Sins or Girls Boxing Tournament)

They
A) Tell you what format you should be writing in
B) Give you examples of good description
C) And they can give you ideas (But don't steal)

Now to your actual fic...

The "*CREAKS* "H-He-AHHH!!!" *SLAM*" Don't do that either. It also makes it sound unprofessional.

Instead, "Kagome opened the door slowly. The door itself creaking and groaning as it opened, "H-He-" Kagome screamed at the top of her lungs. She slammed the door in his face while bursting with anger" Or something.

Also realize how, you said that scene in 2 words. I put it into multiple sentances. That goes back to what I said earlier about detail.

Same thing with the '.......'s. That's unprofessional. Say something like, "There was a silence before Sesshoumaru said,".

You're also spelling Sesshoumaru's name wrong. (Although, Sesshomaru is also a correct spelling) Just to let you know.

If you listen to these comments that I'm telling you, it will HELP YOU. To get better, you need to know what you're doing wrong. And if you don't listen to my input, you won't see anything wrong.

Since you're doing this for school, and your teacher asked you to practice, you should probably practice CORRECTLY. Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes permanent. If you practice it a certain way, you will continue to do it that way.

There are other fan fictions here that you may read that may help you get an idea of how to write better.

I, myself, write "Freestyle" or "Without Microsoftword", beause that is who I am and that is my style of writing.

An example of this are my two fanfictions: A "Fullmetal Pokemon"?! (Crossover fanfiction section) and Inuyasha and the Frozen Ryu Youkai (inuyasha fanfiction Section).

We, your fellow writers, are only telling you this to help you.

In my opinion, your "unknown Love" fanfiction does have merit ( I enjoyed what I have read), but, like our friends have suggested, you do need to work on the details, spacing, and effects.

It is good that you are writing for your Teacher and class. ^^ Keep up with the practicing and if you require any more help please do not hesitate to pm me or another fellow author for it. ^^

Thank you for your time and patience. *bows*

Once again, completely agree and have nothing else to add. xD

Chapter 3:
Inuyahsha's POV
I slowly walked up to her door again and knocked. Lilltle did she know I had a plan....
"GO AWAY!!" she yelled AGAIN. I decided to go away and give her a moment to simmer down. I was about halfway down the path when I decided What the hell?? I'll just sneak in her window and grab her!


Better????

A bit better, but still, waaaaaaaaaay too short. Try writing a bit more next time, at least. But it definitely looks a lot neater than the last chapters. But, correct me if I'm wrong, but the last chapter was chapter 1 and now you're up at chapter 3? You made a bit of a typo there. Besides that, you've improved a bit, which is good. The details are better, as well. So you're off to a good start. Keep it up.

That is a matter of opinion, Lady ZeiKumi.

Sometimes small updates, like Kilala's, are necessary to keep a fanfition going.

Sometimes a fic writer can only post what come to mind at the time, and if it happens to be a short update?

It may be, although not necassarily, treated as a small cliffy. ^^

A question, Lady ZeiKumi: Do you write fanfictions or just review them?

:hehe: My apologies for the bluntness of the question, but it seemed to be necessary.

Any way..

Haven't you read other fanfictions and noticed short updates in them too?

I have.

Even in my own two stories are short updates or filler posts. ^^

Kilala, Please continue when you may, my friend. ^^

You are doing an excellent job with this story of yours.

Jostanos, I know that you're trying to not hurt these writer's feelings, but you also need to think, by telling them that their story is perfectly fine the way it is, how are you helping them improve? No writer is perfect, and why critizism (sp) exsists.

I just don't consider 2 paragraphs a chapter. Perhaps part of a chapter, but I hate when writers post in parts so that it looks like they've updated more. It's not the quanity but the quality, which is the problem with some stories and people constantly asking for updates.

Lady Z does write, she just doesn't post it on IJ. I've seen some of her stories.

Now, I have to go to bed tonight, but I will write a full critique tomorrow.

Edit: Critique time.

I'm not trying to sound mean. But you didn't seemed to read my last critique. You saw it as a wall of text and got scared. If you don't read these, YOU WILL NEVER GET BETTER. I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU.

Okay, your length. Please, do make it longer. My general rule of thumb is 'make it 1 page length on microsoft word at least'. Which I said in your last critique.

I do like how you've managed to make your details better. THANK YOU. But you still have a LONG way to go.

To your question, yes. It is better, but there is a lot more room for improvement. A LOT. So go back and read both of my old critiques (Because I'm NOT typing another for you) and then work off of that. It's the only way to get better.