Koga's Love Inu's nightmare (The Inuyasha Journey)

After Koga took Kagome away from Inuyasha Kagome was really scared then she heard someone scream: "Kagome! I will rescue you!!!!" She came to the door of the cave, she looked down off the cliff and saw Inuyasha. Koga came to the door and said "What are you doing here muttface?!" He said "I'm here for Kagome!" Koga said "We'll she's my women now!" Kagome just looked up at Koga and slapped him as hard as she could. and yelled " I'm no one's woman you understand me?!" , and Koga's clan just walked backward and one of them said " I wonder what's gonna become of her now?" Then Inuyasha screamed " Go Kagome! Served you right you mangy wolf!" Koga just put his hand against his cheek, took it of, looked at it then jumped off the cliff to fight Inuyahsa...

~~~~~~~ there that is all she wrote (for the chapter)~~~~~~~

Wow. You have so much editing to do before it's even half-right it's not even funny.

Sadly, the proper review will have to wait since time on the computer is limited at the moment. But make no mistake: You're gonna be in for a long review.

Wow...Usually I never have something really bad to say but, this is pretty bad xD :chidorisd: Next time take some time to edit and spell Inuyasha's name right. Sorry if that was to harsh, it was true.

Oh My Jesusjacques.... Is that seriously it?

You have got to be kidding me. Okay. Time for wall of text. And sorry if I sound mean. I'M DOING IT TO HELP YOU. ~~Why does nobody ever understand that?~~

Let's start off with your story in general. (Or your friend's, whatever) I can tell you're a, super super super beginner writer. I mean, have you ever heard of the word detail? Because your story shows you haven't.

Spacing. Here are the rules on spacing/paragrahs.
1) When a new person speaks, they get a new paragraph.
2) Paragraphs should be 4-8 sentances long.
3) If you feel a paragraph is too long, then shorten it. But try to find a decent place to stop the paragraph. There is a right place and a wrong place. The longer you write, the better you will get at finding that place.
4) Indents don't show up on IJ. I suggest double spacing between paragraphs.

Again, because it lacks so much, detail. YOU NEED DETAIL TO MAKE A STORY. DIALOUGE IS NOT A STORY. Not even script format is simply dialouge. I compliment you for some areas where you DID put it. At least you understand the concept. But they seem to be really vague... 'Kouga came to the door...' Come on now. You can think of something a bit more, flavourful than that can't you? And if you can't, you really shouldn't be writing.

Length. That is not a chapter. That's more a 10th of a chapter. Rule of thumb. If you are typing like that, the chapter should be at least a page in word. But of course since you're going to listen to what I said above, it's going to be at least 2 pages. And that's a bare minimum. Which you should try to avoid all together.

Sentances. When you're describing, you tend to have a lot of run on sentances. Another rule of thumb, unless you are listing something, make sure not to have more than 1 comma per sentance. (Of course, I'm totally being a hypocrite right now, but I'm not typing a story up.)

Take your time. A good story is not rushed. And that seems to be what you're doing. I'm writing a story right now. I've spent a month on one chapter, and I'm still not done. Don't be afraid to take your time to make it right for you. If your readers are telling you to hurry up, tell them to Stfu, you're the one working on it, you're going to be the one to decide when a chapter is good enough to post.

And since you claim this to be your friend's, tell her to get her own account and post it herself. It makes you look like an idiot doing by posting it FOR her. Registering takes what, 2 minutes? For serious.

Now for some good. I appricate that you took the time to spell (most things) correctly and use some proper grammar. I don't have to waste my time trying to read '& ten he waned 2 do dis' because there is nothing more that pisses me off when people do that. They're simply insulting writers and they're jerkwads.

Luckily, you did not.

And your charcters, they're almost in character. Which is really a good thing. Because unless you do it on purpose (Like me) it's the easiest way to ruin a story. So good job on that.

I hope this helps, because really, (and excuse me for this next part) I don't want to have to read another chapter like that.

Light: Ehehe. I love your firste and last lines.

QUOTE (Ashita Genki Ni Naare @ Jan 16 2008, 07:24 PM)

Oh My Jesusjacques.... Is that seriously it?

You have got to be kidding me. Okay. Time for wall of text. And sorry if I sound mean. I'M DOING IT TO HELP YOU. ~~Why does nobody ever understand that?~~

Let's start off with your story in general. (Or your friend's, whatever) I can tell you're a, super super super beginner writer. I mean, have you ever heard of the word detail? Because your story shows you haven't.

Spacing. Here are the rules on spacing/paragrahs.
1) When a new person speaks, they get a new paragraph.
2) Paragraphs should be 4-8 sentances long.
3) If you feel a paragraph is too long, then shorten it. But try to find a decent place to stop the paragraph. There is a right place and a wrong place. The longer you write, the better you will get at finding that place.
4) Indents don't show up on IJ. I suggest double spacing between paragraphs.

Again, because it lacks so much, detail. YOU NEED DETAIL TO MAKE A STORY. DIALOUGE IS NOT A STORY. Not even script format is simply dialouge. I compliment you for some areas where you DID put it. At least you understand the concept. But they seem to be really vague... 'Kouga came to the door...' Come on now. You can think of something a bit more, flavourful than that can't you? And if you can't, you really shouldn't be writing.

Length. That is not a chapter. That's more a 10th of a chapter. Rule of thumb. If you are typing like that, the chapter should be at least a page in word. But of course since you're going to listen to what I said above, it's going to be at least 2 pages. And that's a bare minimum. Which you should try to avoid all together.

Sentances. When you're describing, you tend to have a lot of run on sentances. Another rule of thumb, unless you are listing something, make sure not to have more than 1 comma per sentance. (Of course, I'm totally being a hypocrite right now, but I'm not typing a story up.)

Take your time. A good story is not rushed. And that seems to be what you're doing. I'm writing a story right now. I've spent a month on one chapter, and I'm still not done. Don't be afraid to take your time to make it right for you. If your readers are telling you to hurry up, tell them to Stfu, you're the one working on it, you're going to be the one to decide when a chapter is good enough to post.

And since you claim this to be your friend's, tell her to get her own account and post it herself. It makes you look like an idiot doing by posting it FOR her. Registering takes what, 2 minutes? For serious.

Now for some good. I appricate that you took the time to spell (most things) correctly and use some proper grammar. I don't have to waste my time trying to read '& ten he waned 2 do dis' because there is nothing more that pisses me off when people do that. They're simply insulting writers and they're jerkwads.

Luckily, you did not.

And your charcters, they're almost in character. Which is really a good thing. Because unless you do it on purpose (Like me) it's the easiest way to ruin a story. So good job on that.

I hope this helps, because really, (and excuse me for this next part) I don't want to have to read another chapter like that.

Light: Ehehe. I love your firste and last lines.

Thank you. ^^

As to everything you said, I totally agree with it. Not because I want to be mean to the poor writer, but because it's true.

If you follow everything Ari said, you cannot fail. Nor will your friend.

QUOTE (Ashita Genki Ni Naare @ Jan 16 2008, 07:24 PM)

Oh My Jesusjacques.... Is that seriously it?

You have got to be kidding me. Okay. Time for wall of text. And sorry if I sound mean. I'M DOING IT TO HELP YOU. ~~Why does nobody ever understand that?~~

Let's start off with your story in general. (Or your friend's, whatever) I can tell you're a, super super super beginner writer. I mean, have you ever heard of the word detail? Because your story shows you haven't.

Spacing. Here are the rules on spacing/paragrahs.
1) When a new person speaks, they get a new paragraph.
2) Paragraphs should be 4-8 sentances long.
3) If you feel a paragraph is too long, then shorten it. But try to find a decent place to stop the paragraph. There is a right place and a wrong place. The longer you write, the better you will get at finding that place.
4) Indents don't show up on IJ. I suggest double spacing between paragraphs.

Again, because it lacks so much, detail. YOU NEED DETAIL TO MAKE A STORY. DIALOUGE IS NOT A STORY. Not even script format is simply dialouge. I compliment you for some areas where you DID put it. At least you understand the concept. But they seem to be really vague... 'Kouga came to the door...' Come on now. You can think of something a bit more, flavourful than that can't you? And if you can't, you really shouldn't be writing.

Length. That is not a chapter. That's more a 10th of a chapter. Rule of thumb. If you are typing like that, the chapter should be at least a page in word. But of course since you're going to listen to what I said above, it's going to be at least 2 pages. And that's a bare minimum. Which you should try to avoid all together.

Sentances. When you're describing, you tend to have a lot of run on sentances. Another rule of thumb, unless you are listing something, make sure not to have more than 1 comma per sentance. (Of course, I'm totally being a hypocrite right now, but I'm not typing a story up.)

Take your time. A good story is not rushed. And that seems to be what you're doing. I'm writing a story right now. I've spent a month on one chapter, and I'm still not done. Don't be afraid to take your time to make it right for you. If your readers are telling you to hurry up, tell them to Stfu, you're the one working on it, you're going to be the one to decide when a chapter is good enough to post.

And since you claim this to be your friend's, tell her to get her own account and post it herself. It makes you look like an idiot doing by posting it FOR her. Registering takes what, 2 minutes? For serious.

Now for some good. I appricate that you took the time to spell (most things) correctly and use some proper grammar. I don't have to waste my time trying to read '& ten he waned 2 do dis' because there is nothing more that pisses me off when people do that. They're simply insulting writers and they're jerkwads.

Luckily, you did not.

And your charcters, they're almost in character. Which is really a good thing. Because unless you do it on purpose (Like me) it's the easiest way to ruin a story. So good job on that.

I hope this helps, because really, (and excuse me for this next part) I don't want to have to read another chapter like that.

Light: Ehehe. I love your firste and last lines.

Here, here!

awsome go kags please finish

lets retry this

"Inyuasha help me!" "Put her down you Basterd!" Inuyasha said. "Come over here and make me." With that said Koga used the power of the jewel shards in his legs to dart off. "Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled. When Koga reached his den he threw kagome down on to the bed made out of furs. "Ouch." Kagoe squeaked. "That hurt." "Kagome I'm gonna make you my woman.Koga said in an arragont voice. "Huh" Kagome said befor koga could say anything inuyasha showed up at the bottom. "Kagome are you okay?" "Yeah i am okay." Koga got pissed and said "You beller stay away from my woman!" "What the HELL are you talking about?" inuyasha yelled. Kagome got tired of Koga lying so she slaped him on the face and said "I'm no ones woman you got that?" Everyone backed up away form Kagome and Koga one said "i wonder what will happen to her now?" Koga put his hand on his cheek and looked for blood.

Tell me if you like now.

No, sorry. Still needs a lot of work. I'll give a bit of an idea:

QUOTE

"Inyuasha help me!" Kagome cried as loud as she possibly could. Koga had grabbed her by suprise and put her under his right shoulder.

"Put her down you Basterd!" Inuyasha said.

"Come over here and make me." With that said Koga used the power of the jewel shards in his legs to dart off.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled.

Only several seconds later, Koga had reached his wolf den. He lifted Kagome and threw her on to a bed made of wolf fur that was harder than she had thought. "Ouch!" Kagome squeaked. "That hurt!"

"Kagome I'm gonna make you my woman." Koga's voice echoed until she saw him go through the waterfall.

"Huh?!" Kagome said with a disguisted look.

Before Koga could make another move, he saw Inuyasha at the entrence of the cave with an angry look

"Kagome are you okay?" Inuyasha asked as he darted toward her.

"Yeah I'm okay." Kagome replied as Inuyasha helped her get up.

Koga became jelous and shouted, "You beller stay away from my woman!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Inuyasha shouted.

Koga walked towards Kagome with a look of passion. She had enough of Koga. Before anyone knew she had slaped his cheek and shouted "I am not your woman, you got that?"

Everyone backed up away from Kagome and remained silent. Koga broke the silence and said, "I wonder what will happen to her now?" as he put his hand on his cheek.

Okay, I know I didn't do very much to make it better, but there's an idea. Oh, and making the words bigger doesn't make the story any longer. And please read Ari's critism. SHE'S TRYING TO HELP YOU. She's not trying to be mean.

....Please. Look above and read the whole damn thing. You didn't improve on your paragraph structure. Your chapter still isn't longer by the way. Your diction's gotten, a bit better at least? Well. In a sense I guess...

And that font? It burns my eyes. Post in a read-able font. Just because it's bigger doesn't mean it's better.

You need to read what I said and LISTEN TO IT. It will make your story presentable and easy to read.

Read other writer's stories before you write your own. It will help a lot.

Look, if you don't listen to my advice, that's when I get mean. Which is why I pretty harsh in this post. And if you did read it, you didn't apply it. In which case it's the same thing as not reading.

its alright

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