“Whoever’s name is written in this book…dies? What a load of bull.” I said, throwing the book back into the rain.”
“Who knows, maybe it’s real.” My sister Rena responded, reading the rest of it. “Dies of a heart attack in 40 seconds…needs a name and face to work…maybe we should try it out.”
“Fine, if it will prove that these are fakes, let’s go try it.” I picked up the notebook and we both went home and straight into our rooms and turned on the T.V.
“Why didn’t we just look for someone on the streets?” My sister asked.
“Because if this really does work for some messed up reason I don’t want to kill anyone innocent. If we are really going to test this out on a random person I’d rather it be a criminal than some random person.” I replied. We watched the news until a news break of a murder was announced and seen live in a hi speed chase.
“Should you write the name down or should I?” I asked. Rena already had the notebook open with a pen. “I guess that answers my question.” We waited until the name and face was mentioned and Rena wrote the name down.
“37..38..39..40.” Rena counted.
“See, it’s fake, happy.” The car the criminal was in started to swerve and it smashed into a tree. After about an hour it was confirmed, he had died from a heart attack.
“I-it actually worked?” I said shocked. “T-this is I-insane.”
“It looks like you liked it too.” A voice appeared from behind them.
“Who are you? Who’s there?” My sister asked scarred. The figure appeared out of the shadows, it was a horrid looking creature.
“Can you guess what I am?” The creature questioned.
“Um, you mean besides creepy looking?” Rena remarked. The creature glared at her.
“You’re a Shinigami, am I correct?” I jumped in, before anything bad could happen.
‘That’s correct.” The Shinigami replied.
“And I’m guessing these are your books.” I said starting to catch on.
“No, I am still holding on to my actually book, one of them I tricked the Shinigami God into giving me and the other I got from a dead Shinigami.”
“Wait, gods can die?” My sister asked intrigued. “How?”
“Our system goes by a discipline level from 5 to 1, one being the highest, and the extreme level. Anything grade 3 and above is enforced by a death sentence and their book is up for grabs for anyone who finds it.”
“Are you here to take the books back, or maybe our lives?” I asked thinking this was way too easy.
“No, now that you have the books they are your’s but once you die I will write you in my book, and when that happens you can go to neither heaven nor hell.”
“But if you die before we do, are we off the hook?” I asked already thinking of an idea.
“Nice try but I will not die that easily.” The Shinigami said.
“You caught on that quick?” I asked jokingly.
“Hmm.”
“What is it Rena?” I asked when I saw her thinking about something.
“Well, this Shinigami seems to know what he is doing. I think he isn’t the first to start this. Plus there is the Kira thing going on right now which is what mainly made me start thinking about these being real in the first place. Is Kira another person who was given a Death Note by a Shinigami?”
“…yes” The Shinigami answered after a small pause.
“Then can you give us some information on this person?” Rena asked.
“…I’m not obliged to.” The Shinigami replied.
“But wouldn’t that make this so much more interesting?” Rena persuaded. “I mean, you came here for entertainment, didn’t you? Why else would a Shinigami go through so much trouble to get two extra Death Notes and just leave them both lying around in the human world for anyone to get?”
“Dam, that’s smart. I wasn’t even thinking about that.” I said to myself. There was a big pause in the room, a dead silence until the Shinigami spoke.
“You make a very good argument girl. Before I go on My name is Chaos.”
“A fitting name for a god of death. My name is Rai.” I said.
“And mine is Rena” My sister remarked.
“Very well. The other Shinigami’s name is Ryuk. I do not remember the name of the human though. They are both in the Kanto region of Japan.”
“Looks like were making a trip then.” I said, a grin grew on my face.
“What for, they’re not in your way.” Chaos said in a questioning tone.
“Well, if he has a Death Note too that means he can kill us as well as we can kill him. Honestly, I would want to get rid of him instead of the other way around. We might be after the same goal but only one of us can reach that and I say it will be us.” I stood up and looked back at my sister and the Shinigami. “Pack your bags, were going to make a surprise visit to Kira.

…
Japan, 8:26 PM

“Alright, so were in Japan. How do we find Kira?” Rena questioned.
“Well we will know who is who by seeing his of her Shinigami.” I said. “The problem is that we have to know his name so we can kill him. He will see our Shinigami as well so it would be too obvious just to ask him his name.”
“Well there is a way. If you have the eye’s of Shinigami then you can see a person’s name and what is left of their original life span just by seeing their face.” Chaos remarked.
“There’s a catch, there has to be. What is it?”
“Half of your remaining life span.” The Shinigami replied.
“damn, no thanks then.” I said.
“Hmm, I’ll do it!” My sister yelled out.
“Very well then.” Chaos replied as he got ready. It is hard to explain what happened exactly, especially sense I really didn’t want to look. I mean, It seems weird to get eyes of a death god transferred to you. I waited until I was sure it was done.
“Did it work?” I asked.
“yup, I can now see the name and lifespan of everyone I look at.”
“Great, this will be a big help. Now we can tell his name and he won’t know ours unless he has the eyes too.”
“It is pretty easy to tell if they do or not.” Chaos said.
“If he has them, we kill him immedeantly. If he doesn’t we blackmail him with his life. He doesn’t know our name, nobody does for that matter, were orphans nobody cares about. Were the only ones with our names and the only way for anybody to find out is if they ask us and we tell them of if they have Shinigami eyes. Everything is playing out accordingly. If things keep going as they are now we should have him our of our way and the world will be ours to mold.”

Um. There's way too much dialouge. Way way way too much. The good thing is that it's not just pure dialouge, but has some description to it. But it's not anywhere near enough. You need to have it balance out.

And because of that, you need a better way to break up your paragraphs. Since indents don't show up on IJ, I'd suggest double spacing between paragraphs.

I don't want to insult your plot or anything, it's a good job. But I don't believe that Shinigami would know, much less care, about Kira and his Deathnote. I don't believe that Shinigami care about humans or what their doing judging from Ryuk and his attitude. Especially since the rest of the Shinigami only sit in the Shinigami realm and never even GO to the living world. Just pointing that out.

The good news is that I only had 3 things to point out, which is like, a record low for me. Just make sure that you listen to what I've said and this could turn into a really good fic.

Yah, I notaced indents didn't work but I was too tired. Also there is alot of diologe because it was used for a play me and my friends made so...yah. ^^; Also, this shinigami's personality is simular to Ryuk's.

So if you wrote it as a play, is there going to be more or are you going to make it like an actual story?

There's more

As in your, script form or in the form of an actual story is what I was asking.

It was in script but Im trying to change it to story.

Then I'll be here to help.

i have an acual death note notebook lol and it has the ruls in it and some if ur rules r wrong like

to see the other persons shinigami you have to touch thier book

the punishment levels are from 8 to 1

thers other i think to u messed up but other then that i like it

its good:)

I do too with all of the accurate rules. There is like 50 or 60 something rules.