Im new be nice please
Disclaimer:I dont own inuyasha characters
Claimer:I do own new ones.


Shadow's POV:
"Damn it I'm late for school!" I screamed. I got up and put on my black mini skirt, black halter-top, and black high heels."I still remeber what dad told me." After mom died we moved in with our dad my 4 brothers and i loved it there. One day while they went out to eat there was a fire. The fire killed our dad. Befor he died he said "Shadow you are a demonic angel and a normal hevan angel. Your brothers are all dog half-demons." I still haved told them but i will today.
Hetin's POV:
"We are late for school! Hurry up Shadow!" I heard her feet runing down the stairs. "The others left lets go." I spaced out for a minute. "Hetin hello lets go!"
Shadow's POV:
We left for school.

sorry it is so short. tell me if you want an update.

...Why do you have 2 of the same story up?

Okay........ Where to start....

You're doing a first person, multiple point of view story are you? Well first off, I'll begin with this. It's confusing if you switch POVs too much, which you ARE doing. It's a common thing to do, especially since I'm assuming this is your first POV story.

Which is completely understandable because it's a very easy thing to do. Once you run out of ideas for one person, you switch to another person. THAT'S WRONG. You need to force yourself to stick with the same POV for at least a page in Microsoft word. (Which I hope you're using)

Also, that last POV, "We left for school" is completely and 100% unnecessary. We the reader understand that they left for school after that, there's no need to say it. Well, in such a way I guess.

Also since you said it's like a story you read, I really hope that you're using your own ideas still. Even using the same ideas is plagerizing.

I basically copied and pasted half of this from the other review I gave you from your other story. For the love of god, read this.

You're getting better, I will say that. The idea is really good. But you need to work on what I said above.

Thanks for the help Ashita Genki Ni Naare...But i'm not doing the POV's any more.

This will be told all in the POV of My character Shadow.



"Damn it! I'm late AGAIN."I yelled. I'm about 5'5. The boys at my last school said I was the prettiest girl there. My hair is about down to my ankles and is white with blood red streaks. My 4 older brothers say my eyes are like new golden rings with a ruby in the middle. My ears are pointed and periced with ruby earings. I have a black cresent moon on my fore head. Under my eyes there is 1 black streak then a deep plum under the black. A beautiful shade of black, white, red, brown, blue, and a light pink grace my eyelids and wrap around my waist. My neck has a half black and half white streak that wraps around it. Red jaggedly(sp?) wraps around my right wrist, Brown wraps around my left wrist. A very dark blue wraps around my right ankle with light pink around my left ankle. Finally around my right arm there is a deep plum spirl and over my heart there is a deep plum 6 point star. I jumped out of bed and got dressed in my black mini skirt, black halter-top, and high heels. I started to brush out my hair. When I was done i started to go down the stairs. I stopped in the middle of the stairs to remeber what my dad told me before he died.
~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~

My 4 brothers all went out on a date leaving me alone with dad and the eldest of us Naraku my other brother. We were watchin T.V. and Naraku was upstairs. Then someone set our house on fire. One of the lose boreds fell on my dad and i started to scream. "Shadow dont cry i have to tell you something about you and your 5 brothers. You are a full blood demon. And your brothers are all half demons." After he said that he died because of the lack of air. Then before a bored fell on me my brother Naraku ran down stairs picked me up and ran out...Then he left.
~~~~~~~~end flashback~~~~~~~

I still miss my dad and brother Naraku. I ran the rest of the way down and met up with my brother Hetin. Hetin was 19 yers old. He has long black hair and he always has it in a braid. Unlike me he has normal ears but he does have three dark red jewels on his head. He always wears a red shirt. Right now he is wearing his favorite red shirt, it is a abercrombie shirt. He is wearing his blain blue jeans and white sneakers. And his eyes are ruby red. "Are you ready to go beauty queen?" Hetin asked since he knew the name 'beauty queen' made me mad. "Ha ha very funny. Are we going to go to school now?" "Sure." we ran out to his red mustang and left for school.


is that better??? please reply

Yea, that's a TON better.

This is also the problem with fan fics... You (and most of the people who write fan fic) don't actually know how the Japanese live. The part about his abercrombie shirt is false. In Japan, they don't have abercrombie or american eagle or any of those stores. I personally don't know any big stores or anything, but you can easily find those on the internet.

They don't have mustangs in Japan because it's an American car. The Japanese are VERY picky with what foreign cars they allow. Another thing about cars is that teenagers half the time, don't know how to drive. They DON'T own their own cars, especially not foreign ones.

I'm assuming that this isn't set in Tokyo. If it is, correct me. But in cities in Japan, Tokyo especially, they don't have houses. They have tiny apartments. Tiny being, maybe a few rooms? Not as big as they are here.

And families half the time DON'T have 6 children. The average number of children per family in Japan is 1.3. (Of course they don't have .3 children, but you understand hopefully) The idea of having 6 children in Japan is like having 20 children in America. It's unheard of.

To the actual story, it's better. But you can do a lot to make it better still. You have some of the detail you were lacking before, but you can still improve.

You need to remember to make seperate paragraphs. That's the main thing. They seperate your ideas.

For your description, you use the same words OVER AND OVER. Try changing it a bit. It'll bore the reader otherwise. Maybe use a theasarus?

Listen to these comments and then update with them and I'll help again.

Edit: Also, always take a 2nd look at your spellings. Maybe get a BETA to help?

I agree with ashita(and the rest of the name) But the story is wonderful!! And I do not have very much to say...so I guess that is it...

Sorry if you think that this story is in Tokyo....It is in America. Besibes Naraku ran away to Fudel Japan....He fell down the well. That make more sense? Oh yah i will update tomorrow.

But thanks for the replies! I will keep trying. (Only the older 4 can drive)

Okay. Then it's all good.

We were late for our first class Math. I lever like Math. Hetin knocked on the door and a man in his mid 50s answered. "Can I help you?" he asked. "Yes we are the new students." "Oh come in." we walked into the room and i noticed that there was only 1 other girl. "Class we have two more students. Shadow Hitsugia and Hetin Hitsugia." I look at the girl and thought I know her from somewhere.

g2g

Okay, you're doing a lot better!

Good job! Keep it up!

But remember about your length. Try to make them longer.

Also make sure that you're using the right spellings for names. Perhaps check Wikipedia for spellings. I'm pretty sure you're spelling Hetin's name wrong.

Your spelling over all is getting a tad better, but you should still want to type this in word. It'll check your spelling and correct typos. 'lever' = 'never' etc.

Your detail is muuuch better.

Now look at my first critique and look at this one. Look at the length difference. Doesn't it make you feel good that these are getting shorter?

sorry That I didn't update.

Chapter-2


We were late for our first class Math. I never like Math. Hetin knocked on the door and a man in his mid 50s answered. "Can I help you?" he asked. "Yes we are the new students." "Oh come in." we walked into the room and i noticed that there was only 1 other girl. "Class we have two more students. Shadow Hitsugia and Hetin Hitsugia." I look at the girl and thought 'I know her from somewhere.' "Shadow why don't you sit between Kagome and Haku?" "Okay." I walked over to where the 2 students were. The teacher walked up to the board and wrote our assignment and homework. An hour later the bell rang. I got up and walked over to my brother Monten. "Hey Shadow. Why were you late?" "I don't really know." Hetin, Tatsumaru, and hakudoshi all snuck up behind Monten. "Hey." I said. I have history next, then lunch. I went to room 23 and took my seat by Kagome again. we got out ouur really thck textbooks and read pages 1-14. The bell rang for lunch. I ran to meet my brothers at the door. "What are you going to eat Shadow?" Tatsumaru asked. "Or are you not going to eat again?" Hetin said. "I'm not going to eat." we walked into the lunchroom and my brothers got their favorite...pizza. They finished eating so we started to leave. Then I just blacked out. I woke up in my room. "Are you ok?" It was Hakudoshi. "Yeah what happened?" "You blacked out." "Where are the others?" "Down stairs watching tv." "Oh." I tried to get up but i fell. Hakudoshi walked over and helped me up. I tried to walked down the stairs. "Hey you three idiots! I have to tell you something." "Okay." they said together. "Well where to start. Before dad died he told me something about us. He said that you four are all half demons. Me I'm a full demon with miko powers." "Wow." Then someone knocked at the door. "I got it." I opened the door. "Hello? Its Kagome from school." "Yes?" "I have your homework." "Oh this might sound weird but I feel like I know you from somewhere." "You do. My hair was longer and always pulled back." "Kagome Higurashi(sp?)?" "Ding ding ding we have a winner." "Kagome! I missed you so much!" "Hey can I come in?" "Yeah. Lets go up to my room." We ran up the to my room and I shut my door. "Hey can I tell you something?" "Yeah ONLY if I can tell you something." "DEAL." "Before my dad deid he said that I was a demon." "Sweet! I'm a miko." "I have miko powers!" "Hey can I take you somewhere?" "Sure." We walked down the stairs and out the door. "Hey where are you going?" to stay with Kagome for a while. She is one of my old friends. Remeber? Kagome Higurashi." "Okay. Have fun." She took me to this old well at the back of our house. "My friends are a little strange." then she pushed me down the old well.


Chapter-3


I jumped out of the well then Kagome followed me. A man in really out-of-date clothes and dog ears jumped out of a tree. "Where the hell have you been? And who is this?" "Inuyasha sit boy." Kagome said. The necklace that he was wearing started to glow and he did a faceplant. :hilarious: "Wow how did you do that?" "Everytime I say 'sit' his necklace makes him do that." "Kagome who is that?" a little fox kit asked. "This my friend Shadow. She said that she is a demon with miko powers." "Yeah I came from this time. Why do you care?" Two other people came on a the back of a huge cat. "Kagome! Who is this girl that you brought with you?" "Her name is Shadow Hitsugia. She is a demon and came from this era."
"Shadow, these are my friends. Sango is a demon exterminator. Miroku is a monk and a pervert. stay away from him." "Hey!" "Shippou is this little fox demon. And the guy with the ears is Inuyasha." "He is a Half-demon i can tell. Wait Kagome do you remeber where my weapons are?" "Yeah. Hey Inuyasha do you remeber where I put those old weapons a Kaedae's?" "Yeah." "Go get them." Then the guy called Inuyasha ran off towards a small hut. "Hey Kagome who is that guy in a tree?" "That's Sesshomaru Inuyasha's older brother." Inuyasha came back with my weapons and I took them. "So you polished them for me? They'll just get stained with his blood." "Good ol' Shadow short tempered as always." I took out my daggers and one glowed white the other glowed black. "Just like old times huh Yin and Yang?" "Uh-huh." the daggers said in my head. "Your daggers are Yin and Yang of legend?" "Yes." "Who are you wench?" the one called Sesshomaru asked. "I'm Shadow Hitsugia demon and heir to the northern and eastern lands. You?" "Sesshomaru demon lord of the western lands." "Hey Shadow," Kagome yelled "Can you transform yet?" "Yes." "Interesting." Sesshomaru said. "Then transform!" "Okay." I focused all of my demonic and miko powers and started to transform. To my right a huge black angel wing extended while a golden angel wing extended to my left. My body transformed into a large white dog. And my eyes are blood red. Then he transformed. We started talking in the inu language when we were fighting. I lost all of my strength and transformed back. I was wating to feel the groung but it never came. I opened my eyes and I was in the forest again.
There I was board so I did 2 chapters.

Doesn't anyone like it???

Sorry I haven't had time to read it. I've been busy with school. It looks like a good update, but I do have a few things to say. I'll put them up tomorrow though, I have to get off pretty soon.

thanks for replying. Iwill update tonight.

i will not update till i get more replies!!!

You're doing so much better lately. I just read one of your old stories and this chapter, and it's about a million times better.

But remember about spacing. Every time a new person talks, they should get their own paragraph. Also, every time there is a time passage, you should start a new paragraphs. Paragraphs are like ideas, everytime you start a new one you want the reader to know that.

So when you say 'The teacher walked up to the board and wrote our assignment and homework. An hour later the bell rang.'.

It should be 'The teacher walked up to the board and wrote our assignment and homework.

An hour later the bell rang.'

I know that I used to not do this and I'm just starting, but you need to WRITE YOUR NUMBERS OUT. In writing, 23 DOESN'T equal Twenty-three. Just remember that. Also, you did it in some places, but not in others. That makes it inconsistant and confusing.

Umm, I usually don't like to comment on this, but your idea needs to be a little more fleshed out. The part where she blacked out, that doesn't normally happen to people unless they have a previous medical condition or something hits them or something like that.

...I just read the part about Shadow and Kagome meeting each other and once I was done I kind of said, '...What just happened?' You need more detail and you need to explain it more. You seemed to make Kagome kind of out of character. I just can't see Kagome acting like that...

Your entire story seems to move really fast. And you're going to need to show some sort of background story for this...

I thought you said this story was in America? The well is in Japan... That doesn't add up.

Over all, your story is doing a lot better, but you NEED to remember that dialouge doesn't make up a story. You need to add detail.

You're definitely on your way to being a great writer!

Here is the Update. There is a special well in America. This entire chapter is a FLASH BACK... This <> means mind talking.

chapter 4
Shadow's History

" Daddy! I don't want to move to America!" I yelled. " I don't want to spend my fifth birthday there. I want to celebrate it here."

" Come on Shadow, don't cause such a fuss. Your brothers like the idea."

<Thats them not me Daddy! I will not have any friends there. And I will lose ALL of my friends here.>

" Come on sweety."

<NO!>

" Shadow?"

<Fine I will pack my stuff.>

" Thank you Shadow."

" Feh..." I said.

While I was packing my stuff I decided to tell all of my freinds good bye. I was almost done. I just had to pack my toys. 'Hmmm on second thought I'll give them to my friends to remeber me by.' I found a bag and put my toys in it. I started walking down the stairs in front of my house, but I stopped as I watched Hetin Try to pull a prank on Monten. ' Will he ever learn?' I started walking again. I heard people laughing when I turned the corner. I looked up and seen all of my friends.
" Kagome, Ayumi, Yuki, Haruko, Sheori, Star!" I yelled.

" Shadow!" They said in union. I gave them all a hug. My friends are the only ones who know I can be nice.

<Kagome I don't want to say this but I'm moving will you tell them?>

" What why?"

<My Dad keeps saying They will find us. Everytime I ask he says I will tell you when you're older. So I'm giving you six my toys>

(It might seem like im skipping around but this is how she is remebering it)

I came back an hour later and we had to leave. " Where were you Shadow?"

<Telling my friends good bye>

" Oh. We called our friends."

" Kids we are leaving."

<Kay dad.>

" Kay." we all ran to the car and left. We are going to start a new life.


This is all. Sorry it is short. Will make next one longer.

BTW if you want to be in the story just fill out this fourm:

Name-
Age-
Specsies-
Weapons-
Apperance-
Family-
Era-
Travel With (If in fudel era)-
Personality-

THIS is how your story should be spaced. You need to specifiy who is speaking, I've gone over this a million times. You NEED to space it, that's what's making this story unreadable.

Your length isn't long enough for a decent chapter.

Also, what is 'mind talking'? You'd need to specify what 'mind talking' is to the reader.

Don't forget to specify who's speaking too, it's really confusing right now.

Mind Talkingmeans to speak telepathlicly(sp?) I JUST modified it... Is it any better??

And I WIIL NOT update till I get more replies

...Um. WHAT did you type?

Hey can I be in it? If so:

Name: Ashieyu (no last name)
Age: 15
Species: Vamp.(dad side)/Dog Yokai(mom)
Weapons: Demonic whip(Gegotsai), Claws, Katana, and Fire Kunai
Appearance: Shoulder length hair (black with blonde ends all around the head), deep gray eyes with a long green line from eye to temple on the right side,she always wears black mini skirts and tees,her ears are normal and she always wears the set of pentagram jewelry that her mom gave me before she died.
Family: she has no brohers and 1 sister, Kari.
Era: Feudel (sp?)
She travels alone, which is why she carries so many weapons.(Can she meet up with kags gang and start to tavel with them?)
Personality: Outgoing, short tempered, funny, friendly,canget along with almost any one.(Almost :chidorisd: )

Please update soon so we can read more.
Oh and when you put a in front of a vowel be sure to change a to an. For example you wouldn't write, " The world is coming to a end!" , you would write, " The world is coming to an end!" Other than that your story is great.

Yea you can be in it.... I will update tomorrow okay I will put you in the next chapter

I will update now. This is for you KagomeInuyashasluv. When I get home.

Im FINALLY Updating stupid school this is what i want to do to school :boxing: :neko: ANYWAY


Chapter 5...
Meeting.

I woke up in the forest, and my head was still pounding from the fight with Fluffy as I now call him just to get on his nerves.

" Where am I?" I asked no one. The distant voice of that hanyou caught my ear and I winced and how loud he was talking. " Will you shut up? My head is already killing me from that fight, I don't need to lose my hearing to." I heard that the talking had cesed.

" Your finally awake I see." the monk said. " We have never been proplery(sp?) introduced. I am Miroku a buda monk." ' Real intresting' i thought. He bent down on one knee and grabed my hand. I stood up and he said " Will you bear my child?" I gasped when he started to stroke my butt.

" Hell no!" I snatched my hand away from him only to send it flying back at him. Just when my hand made contact with his face he flew back five feet. ' Wow must not know my own strength.' I seen the half demon laugh at his friend.

" Inuyasha?" I seen him visably stiffen as he said " What?" He knew what was coming next. " Sit boy." I silently laughed as he once again was forced to the ground.

" I'm going to go for a walk." I didn't wait for a reply I just walked off. I kept following the horrible scent of wolf. Before I got to the source of the scent some weird half demon jumped in my way.

" Who are you?" The creature asked. I simply said " What are you?" It started to growl. " You are in my way. Get out or I will kill you." I said.

" Who are you?" I asked it. ' God this thing is getting on my nerves!' " I am Shadow Hitsugia. True owner to the Northern lands." I started to lose my patientices with this creature.

" I will answer your questions. I am Ashieyu, and I am half demon and half vampire." Wow she knows how to answer a question. She started to come out of the shadows so I could see her face and clothes.

She has shoulder length black hair the ends were blonde all around her head. Her eyes were deep gray with a long green line from eye to temple on the right side. She was wearing a black mini skirt and tee. Her ears are normal and she was wearing a set of pentagram jewelry.

Sorry it is so short. Got to go to bed. Stupid parents!!!

Thanks, that was great!! Update so we can see what transpires. :bigeyescry:

ok ok i will update for you KagomeInuyashasluv.

chapter 5 - Meeting (cont.)


" Why are you here? What business do you have?" This girl is really getting on my nerves. " Well are you going to answer my questions or not. I answered your questions."

<Fine. I'm here because I smelt wolf. I love wolves because I'm half wolf demon.>
Her face was priceless. It was something like this :chidorisd: . I almost laughed. Alomst, I'm am shadow and I only show my emotions to my close friends and family.

" Woah! Who said that?" She was franticaly looking around to find out where the voice had come from. When she looked behind herself there was a mini-whirl wind. Intersting.

The wirl wind disappered and a young wolf demon was standing where the wirl wind was. The demon was wearing a black brest-plate with brown fur on his sholders. His eyes are emerald green. His long black hair was in a high pony tail. Lastly he was wearing a brown wolf fur mini skirt, with a sword at his right side. His feet were wrapped up to the knees.

" Who are you?" The wolf demon asked. He slowly walked up to me and said
" Why do you smell like Kagome?" when he said Kagome I wondered how he knew Kagome.

" How do you know my best friend?" I asked him. " And who are you?" His eyes went wide. His mouth opened and closed a few times.

" No wonder you dress strange. You're from where Kagome is from!" I dress weird?
The nerve. Ashieyu started to walk off.

" Wait Ashieyu! Want to travel with me and my friends?" I asked her. I could tell this shocked her because her face was like this :P .

" S-Sure. Thank you so much." She walked off to get something I figured. I turned my attention back to the wolf who was still trying to figure something out.
" Now whats wrong with the way I dress?" I screamed.

" Nothing much it's just all black clothes, white hair, yellow eyes, red pupils. That's pretty weird for a human. Other than that it's nothing. And your scent it 's like Dog and wolf."

' Oh he is just crusin for a brusin' I thought. " Well thats because I'm part wolf demon and part dog demon!" I pulled out my MP3 player and put on one of my favorite songs, Down With The Sickness. " Good bye mangy wolf."

As I walked of in the direction Ashieyu had i found her carring tons of weapons.

" I'm ready to go!" She said I bearly heard her because of my MP3 Player. She ran beside me and we started to walk back to my pack. A.K.A. Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, Shippou, Miroku, and my brothers.

" What is that noise?" She asked. Ohhh crap how will I explain what an MP3 player is to someone who doesn't know what technogly is. I thought really hard. ' I know I'll show her!'

" Here listen to this." I said as I handed her an earpiece. " You put it in your ear..."


To be cont. Please tell me if you like it!!!

Rocked!!!! More!!!! More!!!! More!!!!

...You've gotten so much better.

But please remember that when a new person starts speaking, they get their own paragraph. Your spacing is a million times better in these last 2 chapters, but it can still use some improvement.

I look at the last chapter and the first one that you posted and I can barely tell that it's the same story. That's how much you've improved.

More. I'm story starved here!lol!

I cant update because i lost all of my data!!!!!! * Cries* And does any one have any ideas on where to find a new siggy pic???

Ne. I can't even upload a new siggy pic so I'm stuck with plain writing.lol!
-ashe :nyu:

Update!!!!!

I have not seen this story in forever!! to get a new sig you can go to photobucket.com. search something. go to my controls and on the left side there will be edit signature. then you can paste or delete...any other questions?

The story has improved so much! It is ver y wonderful. But at some parts I am confused...When did her brothers get there?


p.s there are many other websites where you can get pics. but that one is my fav. ;)