It's a poem I would attempt to write about the reality of social life... Here goes.

Why?

Why do I cry?
I want to die
People always lie
Why do I lie?
We all have to get through this
We don't have to fight
In our perspective
We have to be mean to stay alive
Although it's negatively selective
Other than that, we take our own lives
The world seems to be crawling with distastful structure
Nothing ever done; only a lectuer
The feeling of sincerity does not exist
We are all not sure of ourselves
Dig deeper into our list
My heart fades
Into distrust
It's an enemy's lust
The heart and soul almost gone
Why do they yearn such?
This makes them think they've won
We've won
It hurts so much
Let it be gone
It's almost something we crave
I want to dig my own grave
Oh, it's getting late;
My eight o'clock cut
Let's just hope, there's room enough

While I understand that this is poetry, which is, of course, a form of artistic expression, I’m slightly confused. I mean, I see the expression, and I do think you’ve done a nice job of conveying it. I can understand EXACTLY what this poem is about; however, that in itself is the problem. Your words are very direct and straightforward, which CAN be artistic, provided that there is a hidden metaphor, but this is generally done with a topic that isn’t cliché. And, of course, it is done through unique structure and other rhetorical devices such as alliteration. Because this is most likely a personal piece, I won’t critique the idea itself. All I’ll say is that it really is cliché. We’ve all read it a million times; however, there are things you can do “hide” the cliché message with other unique ideas. This is done through imagery, which really gives the poem the artistic feeling it’s supposed to convey—that poetry itself is supposed to convey.

What you’re doing here is following a trend that’s made its way throughout the young poets and even some older ones. It’s found mostly in people who are inexperienced. Firstly, you’re starting off with a question, which can be an effective tool, as it may touch the curiosity of the reader; however, yours is a question that we’ve already read before. It’s cliché. I would suggest experimenting with this piece a little. Take out all the questions. See if you can convey the uncertainty you’re trying to get across without actually asking something.

One other thing I want to comment on is the rhyming. It seems like it’s intentional; but then again, it’s hard to tell. There’s no format. It’s all over the place; however, if it was not intentional, then I would suggest changing some of the words. It really stunts the flow of your piece and can be very confusing for the reader. Also, I think punctuation would do wonders for this piece. It creates emphasis on certain lines and allows the reader to take a breath where he or she needs to. It’s a great tool for getting your point across.

On a good note, I will say that I did enjoy the last three lines of this poem. It was an excellent ending. It shows that you are oozing with potential. I would love to see the rest of the poem with that sort of interest and effect to it.

Overall, you really did a nice job. I know I may seem like I’m over-analyzing this, but I really am just trying to help. Keep writing.


Oh, and I just have to fix this because it was bothering me. >.<

'^^

Lolz. Thank you for giving an actual comment of critsism (sh*t. How do you spell it? Lolz).
I will try to look over it and change it and take things out and put things in. Thanks ^^

Yes, I've fixed it and I think it's way better ^^

*Criticism. ^^

Anyway, I do like this version A LOT better. There are still some things I would change, but the improvement is amazing. Great job! :D

Thanks ^^ Sorry if it isn't your vision but this is my statement in poem form; I want to get the message across.

Well, I'm not expecting it to be MY vision. It's YOUR poem. It's just that poetry is supposed to be an artistic form of writing. I was just hoping you'd take advantage of that, instead of falling into the trap of merely creating broken prose. That's why I liked the second version better; it was more artistic.

Okay... I'll look for ways to expand it further into a more artistic manner some other time. I'm more of a fiction writer ^^ Hehe. It was more of an attempt to write it since I was so angry and depressed that day.

Aw. Well, poetry is a good outlet. I hope it gets better for you. ^^

Yes, it is ^^ That's why I make really good lyrics. One of my goals, when I'm older, would either be a writer, a lyric writer and/or a singer, who writes her own lyrics (I know, sounds cheesy and childish but I'm mainly going for Writer.).

Well... I don't know if my heart could heal yet...

Not childish at all. Good on you. Hell, one of my dreams is to be a broadway star. xD Just go for it. I haven't heard you sing, but I can tell that you'd be a lyricist. Oh, and feel better. If you want to talk, PM me.