Title: Laugh!
Description: Must... Not... Be... Emo...
Volital - May 3, 2008 06:13 PM (GMT)
Laugh
The tightness in your chest,
The tickle in your throat,
The grin on your lips,
Unable to stop,
Even when it hurts your cheeks.
Smile,
The releasing of a headache,
The happiness in your mind,
Hey,
I didn't know you had dimples!
Cry,
The heat in your eyes,
The oddness in your neck,
The tightness in your chest...
The mindless sorrow for which you grieve...
Doesn't it make you want to laugh?
(( Sorry, I'm sure that made NO SENSE, but w/e. I kinda noticed the similairity in laughing and crying, and decided... ))
(( Like **** I did. I made this up on the spur of the moment. Flame me, hate me, I don't care. I made this forum just a little less gloomy! I hope...))
kyo_kitty666 - May 3, 2008 06:40 PM (GMT)
OMFG!!!!! This is wonderful!!! I can't believe how good this is!!! I'll make sure to tell everyone about this! :victory: :kittylove:
Volital - May 3, 2008 06:44 PM (GMT)
| QUOTE (kyo_kitty666 @ May 3 2008, 01:40 PM) |
| OMFG!!!!! This is wonderful!!! I can't believe how good this is!!! I'll make sure to tell everyone about this! :victory: :kittylove: |
:excited: YAY! PERSON LIKE ME!!
O.O Did did I just say that?
kikyophobia - May 3, 2008 06:46 PM (GMT)
Short and sweet. Nothing earth-shattering.
It did find it all to be a bit cliche. If you pick a cliche topic, you can always describe it in a way that isn't. You can do this with some unique metaphors and such, but you didn't take it in that direction. I would like to see you expand on these topics in that way.
This is just a suggestion. No offense intended. I'm just trying to help. I would also suggest reading some of the other poetry here or by published poets.
Volital - May 3, 2008 06:49 PM (GMT)
| QUOTE (kikyophobia @ May 3 2008, 01:46 PM) |
Short and sweet. Nothing earth-shattering.
It did find it all to be a bit cliche. If you pick a cliche topic, you can always describe it in a way that isn't. You can do this with some unique metaphors and such, but you didn't take it in that direction. I would like to see you expand on these topics in that way.
This is just a suggestion. No offense intended. I'm just trying to help. I would also suggest reading some of the other poetry here or by published poets. |
^^ At-least criticism means someone is paying attention. If no one replied then I know it REALLY sucks. Thanks for the criticism.
kikyophobia - May 3, 2008 06:55 PM (GMT)
You're very welcome. ^^
P.S. Death Note rules!
kyo_kitty666 - May 3, 2008 07:58 PM (GMT)
| QUOTE (Volital @ May 3 2008, 01:44 PM) |
| QUOTE (kyo_kitty666 @ May 3 2008, 01:40 PM) | | OMFG!!!!! This is wonderful!!! I can't believe how good this is!!! I'll make sure to tell everyone about this! :victory: :kittylove: |
:excited: YAY! PERSON LIKE ME!!
O.O Did did I just say that?
|
LOL! yea, u DID just say that! but I really like this poem! it's very interesting! :fan: :fan: :fan: it's actually a pretty cute poem! :blush: i wish I could write like that
Sesshomaru_love - May 3, 2008 08:49 PM (GMT)
there r similarities between cryin an laugh i never noticed until now an i lyked da poem :victory:
Volital - May 4, 2008 05:16 AM (GMT)
| QUOTE (kikyophobia @ May 3 2008, 01:55 PM) |
You're very welcome. ^^
P.S. Death Note rules! |
Yes. Yes DN does.
LonelyKikyo - May 4, 2008 03:14 PM (GMT)
| QUOTE |
Hey,
I didn't know you had dimples! |
... I loved that part. xD I simply loved it.
-cough- KP got to you before I did. xD
What she said. Lol.
But adding onto that, it didn't really feel like you had a rhythm or flow AT ALL. Make it sound a bit easier on the tongue. :3