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| Within the disoriented night Nice opening line. the lullaby so softly chimed. A little cliche. Edward Cullen's memory chained my mind; as a velvet voice, so soft and so lovely, I refused to leave. "Soft" sounds out of place because of it's position two lines above. His glittering, sun-bathed pale skin, The comma is wrong here. It should be between "sun-bathed" and "pale." always cold but beautiful, never seemed to make me fear. This line really is in a rhythm of its own and doesn't fit. Also, it lacks the beauty of the previous lines. My mind echoed onto the music of my lullaby. What's with "onto"? The doesn't really fit. It broke the line for me. The vampire never made the nightmare a reality, Ah! Very cliche. Try and steer clear of the "nightmare" to "reality" remark. There are better ways to say it. the time I lived in Forks had been a gift. Another cliche line because of the word "gift." I never understood which he longed, Do you mean that which he longed? my blood or my heart, though the Volturi decided my death would be right. “It will be as if I'd never existed...” His voice made me no better off. The beauty of his uncaring protection- his stress for me to stay safe even in the meadow. I think a comma after "safe" is needed. Also, the word "stress" doesn't seem to fit the piece at all. It stands out. The last time he had kissed me goodbye, Take out "had." It breaks rhythm and makes the line sound awkward. promising to never meet me again. My lullaby began to fade along with his voice, Maybe you should take out "along" here. I think that would sound much nicer. “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...” |