Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear,
I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.
I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe........For now................

LOL, this should be in fictions.

Did you write it? It's so cute. x]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)







The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

( O.M.G !)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)



The flea can jump 350 time s its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life ...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)











The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)







Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)





A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich' s eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that PIG)

No I got it in an e-mail

LMAO. I read some of these in an old Candyland topic.

I might want to be a pig...

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does any one want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's...

Lol...

>>

When you sneeze...

You have 1/10 of an orgasm...

I asked my doctor if it was true...

And she said yes...


So I wondered...

What happens if you sneeze ten times in a row?

(The pig thing reminded me of this...)

I have 5xs right after one another

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.

With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Any Questions?

xDD

WARNING!!!!! If you hate blonde jokes dont read this one!!!!
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."