| QUOTE (ama @ Dec 18 2004, 10:23 PM) |
| my favourite all time quote, season two. Leo and Margaret 'you can sigh the president's name on a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else........ Make me laugh everytime! 2nd favourite also from season two, bad moon rising, CJ and Donna 'I did it, i leaked the story, it doesn't stop there, call the authorities, send them to my parent's house in Madison, in the basement they'll find the Lynberg baby, post it notes reminding me where i put Jimmy Hoffa. I framed Roger Rabbit..' |
| QUOTE |
| "C.J. on your tombstore, its going to read, Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc." "Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone." |
| QUOTE |
| "BARTLET [speaks while reading the note] There was this time that Annie came to me with this press clipping. Seems these theologians down in South America were very excited because this little girl from Chile had sliced open a tomato, and the inside flesh of this tomato had actually formed a perfect Rosary. The theologians commented that they thought this was a very impressive girl. Annie commented that she thought it was a very impressive tomato. I don’t know what made me think of that. [reporting the information from the slip of paper] Naval Intelligence reports approximately 1200 Cubans left Havana this morning. Approximately 700 turned back due to severe weather, some 350 are missing and presumed dead, 137 have been taken into custody in Miami and are seeking asylum. [pause] With the clothes on their backs, they came through a storm. And the ones that didn’t die want a better life. And they want it here. Talk about impressive. My point is this: Break’s over. LEO Thank you, Mr. President." |
| QUOTE |
| SAM Who's this afternoon? BARTLET A... crazy woman that Charlie knows. Hey, do we have a GPS reading out on Josh and Toby? Have they been sighted? SAM I talked to them a little ago, they're on there way. BARTLET 300 IQ points between them-- they can't find their way home. I swear to God, if Donna wasn't there, they'd have to buy a house. "You've got to be able to keep a lot of names and numbers in your head. Can you do that?" "Oh, I should think so." Oh, should you? Okay, well, I'm going interview a few more people, in the meantime, you can get your ass back on the cover of the The New Yoker where it belongs. SAM Was that Unimpressed One, or Humorless? BARTLET A third one. Charlie says that I don't want anyone to replace her. |
| QUOTE |
VAN DYKE I’d like to discuss why we hear so much talk about the First Amendment coming out of this building, but no talk at all about the First Commandment. MARY I don’t like what I’ve just been accused of. TOBY [raising his voice] I’m afraid that’s just tough, Mrs. Marsh. VAN DYKE The First Commandment says "Honor thy Father". TOBY No it doesn’t. JOSH Toby-- TOBY It doesn’t. JOSH Listen-- TOBY No, if I’m gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we’re gonna get the names of the damn commandments right. MARY Okay. Here we go. TOBY "Honor thy Father" is the Third Commandment. VAN DYKE Then what’s the First Commandment? A booming voice comes from off screen. The camera moves to show PRESIDENT JED BARTLET with a cane standing in the doorway with several Secret Service agents. PRESIDENT JED BARTLET "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other God before me." Boy, those were the days, huh? Everyone stands. CALDWELL Good afternoon, Mr. President. BARTLET Al. What do we got here, C.J.? C.J. Well, we’ve got some hot tempers, Mr. President. BARTLET Mary. JOHN VAN DYKE Mr. President, I’m John Van Dyke. BARTLET Yes. Reverend? VAN DYKE May I ask you a question, sir? BARTLET Of course. VAN DYKE If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn’t that too high a price to pay for free speech? BARTLET No. VAN DYKE Really? BARTLET On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography. C.J. Why don’t we all sit down? BARTLET No. Let’s not, C.J. These people won’t be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God? CALDWELL Sir, it’s not up to me to... BARTLET Crap. It is up to you, Al. You, know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I’m upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. 28 years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I’m going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon, and put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Bartlet pauses to take a drink of his coffee and smile at Josh, who smiles back uncomfortably. BARTLET [cont.] Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I’ve ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and make-up tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman’s right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it, so I couldn’t understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what’s wrong?" She said, "It’s Annie." Now I love my family and I’ve read my bible from cover to cover so I want you to tell me, from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You’ll denounce these people, Al. You’ll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. [Everyone is frozen.] C.J., show these people out. MARY MARSH I believe we can find the door. BARTLET Find it now. The group leaves the room quickly and quietly. CALDWELL [quietly to Leo] We’ll fix this, Leo. LEO See that you do. |
| QUOTE |
TOBY Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET Toby, I'm drinking the most fantastic thing I've ever tasted in my life: chocolate syrup, cold milk, and seltzer. I know it sounds terrible, but trust me, I don't know where this has been all my life. TOBY It's called an egg cream, Mr. President. We invented it in Brooklyn. BARTLET In Brooklyn. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET Not New England? TOBY There are some good things in this world not from New England, sir. BARTLET Toby, don't ever let me hear you say that again. TOBY Yes, sir. BARTLET What's on your mind? TOBY Mr. President, I was thinking... I was thinking it might... BARTLET You want to take a leave of absence. TOBY I was thinking I might need some time off, yes sir. BARTLET That's no problem, Toby. TOBY Okay. BARTLET Not a problem at all. TOBY Thank you, sir. [turns to leave] BARTLET 15 minutes. Toby turns back around to face Bartlet. BARTLET It's time to get up off the mat, Toby. TOBY Sir, what's to wrong with having the Attorney General designate potentially... BARTLET Toby. TOBY ...dangerous organizations that promote violent acts? I... I... understand it's problematic. Ah... uh... there'd be no judicial review, or legislative oversight, or even for that matter legal finding of fact, but... (big sigh) Okay... fine... fine... (choked up with emotion) Why does it feel like this? I've seen shootings before. BARTLET [rises from his chair] It wasn't a shooting, Toby. It was a lynching. They tried to lynch Charlie right in front of our eyes, can you believe that? Bartlet puts on his glasses and roots around for a file and hands it to Toby. TOBY What's this? BARTLET Keyhole satellite photographs. It's the headquarters for West Virginia White Pride headquarters. It's a diner outside Blacksberg. Every night for the past 12 weeks, I've picked up the phone and called the Attorney General, fully prepared to say two wordstake 'em. And then I hang up the phone because I know it'll be better tomorrow and better the day after that. We saw a lynching, Toby. That's why it feels like this. TOBY I'm not sure I'm going to come out of the other side of this. BARTLET I'm not sure I can either. But until we are sure, I think we should keep coming into work every day. [sits back down] TOBY How's it going with your school board guy? BARTLET Yeah, he's gonna win. TOBY When you ran against him, how'd you beat him? BARTLET I don't remember. I've been thinking about it for weeks, but I honestly don't remember. Knock at the door and Sam enters. SAM Excuse me, Mr. President. Good evening. BARTLET Hey, Sam. SAM I wasn't sure whether you'd be stopping by the Talk Radio reception. I scratched out a few remarks for you. BARTLET Let me look at them while we walk. Toby, go with us, to this radio thing. TOBY Oh God, really sir? BARTLET There'll be crab puffs. New England crab puffs, by the way, made in New England. SAM Actually, it's Alaskan crab. TOBY Sam. BARTLET There's Alaskan crab in this White House? TOBY He wouldn't have known the difference. BARTLET Have you tried them? SAM I... yes, reluctantly. I think it was clear the way I ate the crab puffs that it was a gesture of protest. BARTLET Were they good? SAM Extraordinarily good and going very fast. BARTLET Let's get there. Thunder rumbles outside. CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION AREA - NIGHT A waiter walks by with a platter of crab puffs. Photographers taking pictures of various guests. The camera pans up to C.J. talking with another radio personality. GARY I call myself Gary with a "G". C.J. How else would you spell "Gary"? GARY No other way. I'm saying, that's what I call myself. Therefore, "Gary with a "G", talking to you on KADR AM." C.J. Like Liza with a "Z". GARY Exactly. Hokey? Maybe so, but I have 900,000 listeners in the Rocky Mountain region. A Secret Service Agent catches C.J.'s eye. C.J. Would you excuse me? C.J. leaves Gary with a "G" and makes her way into the center of the room to introduce the President. C.J. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. The President of the United States. Everyone stands and claps. The flashbulbs go off as Bartlet enters the reception. BARTLET Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thanks a lot. I wish I could spend more than a few minutes with you but the polls don't close in the east for another hour and there are plenty of election results left to falsify. Everyone chuckles. BARTLET You know with so many people participating in the political and social debate through call in shows, it's a good idea to be reminded... Bartlet loses his train of thought when something attracts his attention. The camera pans over to Jenna Jacobs, sitting on her chair. BARTLET ...it's a good idea to be reminded of the awesome impact... the awesome impact... He finally gives up and addresses her. BARTLET I'm sorry, um... you're Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right? JENNA JACOBS Yes, sir. BARTLET It's good to have you here. JENNA JACOBS Thank you. BARTLET The awesome impact of the airwaves and how that translates into the furthering of our national discussions but obviously also how it can... how it can... He sighs, and addresses Jenna Jacobs again. BARTLET Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.? JENNA JACOBS Ph.D. BARTLET A Ph.D.? JENNA JACOBS Yes, sir. BARTLET In Psychology? JENNA JACOBS No sir. BARTLET Theology? JENNA JACOBS No. BARTLET Social work? JENNA JACOBS I have a Ph.D. in English Literature. BARTLET I'm asking, 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and assumed you had advanced training in Psychology, Theology, or health care. JENNA JACOBS I don't believe they are confused, no sir. BARTLET Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination. JENNA JACOBS I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does. BARTLET Yes, it does. Leviticus. JENNA JACOBS 18:22 BARTLET Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I had you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. (small chuckles from the guests) She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, and always clears the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff, LeoO McGarry, insists on working on the Sabbath, Exodus 35:2, clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important, 'cause we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes us unclean, Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother, John, for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Jenna Jacobs fidgets uncomfortably. BARTLET Think about those questions, would you? One last thing, while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tightass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits. Jenna Jacobs squirms in her seat but doesn't rise. Bartlet glares meaningfully at her. She finally rises out of her seat. BARTLET Toby. TOBY Yes, Mr. President. BARTLET That's how I beat him. Bartlet leaves the reception. Toby and Jenna Jacobs exchange glances before Toby leaves. Sam approaches her, who is holding a plate of hors d'oeuvre. SAM I'm just... I'm gonna take that crab puff. Sam snatches up a crab puff off of her plate and leaves. She smiles awkwardly around. |
| QUOTE (Josh Lyman) |
| Senator, take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass. |
| QUOTE |
We will work hard; we will work together or, so help me mother of God I will stick a pitch fork so far up your asses you will, quite simply, be dead |
| QUOTE |
CJ: If you do I'll shove a motherboard so far up your ass.... Josh: Technically speaking, I outrank you...... CJ: SO FAR UP YOUR ASS! |
| QUOTE |
LEO How you doing, Ainsley? AINSLEY I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet. LEO Okay. Well... now I am, too. [Ainsley goes into the closet] SAM Well, she's in the closet, Mr. President. BARTLET Why? SAM She thought it was a bathroom. Bartlet looks at the closet again. BARTLET Why is she still in there? SAM That's kind of hard to say, sir. BARTLET Why don't we get her out here? SAM Yeah. Ainsley? AINSLEY Yes? BARTLET Ainsley, why don't come on out of there... She comes out of the closet! BARTLET How you doing? We met last night. You were singing and dancing in a bathrobe. AINSLEY Yes, sir. BARTLET Why were you in the closet? AINSLEY I had to pee. BARTLET They won't let me smoke inside but you can pee in Leo's closet. |
| QUOTE |
| Toby: Somewhere during its descent [the Galileo] was also supposed to release two probes each about the size of a basketball, firing them deep into the ground as part of a mission's search for evidence of water under the surface. Josh: We think if we hit the ground hard enough we can make it to the center of the planet and find water? Toby: Yeah. Josh: That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote? |
| QUOTE |
Toby: Charlie? Charlie: I can't talk about it Toby: You don't even know what I was gonna say! Charlie: Immunity? Toby: Yeah. Charlie: I can't talk about it. Toby: I could've been talking about the flu vaccine. Charlie: That's immunization. |
| QUOTE |
C.J. Do we need help right now? Do young women read Vanity Fair? SAM So let them cover the President. C.J. They do cover the President. Right now they want you, and I want to give you to them. SAM [pause] It's got to be Lisa Sherborne? C.J. Hey, is the reason you guys didn't get married is 'cause her name would have been Lisa Sherborne Seaborn? SAM Yeah. That's the reason. C.J. I could do this for a living. |
| QUOTE |
MARGARET Leo. LEO Yeah? MARGARET C.J.’s here. LEO Okay. MARGARET Want to hear a joke? LEO Uh... Okay. MARGARET You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France? LEO Why? MARGARET ‘Cause in France, one egg is un oeuf |
| QUOTE |
| MARGRET! |
| QUOTE |
LEO[calls] Margaret! MARGARET[comes in] Yes? LEOI can’t e-mail. MARGARET They’re working on the problem. LEOWhat’s the problem? MARGARET My friend, Lynette, from the President’s Council on Physical Fitness, you remember her? LEO[irritated] No. MARGARET She’s the one where you say, “Who’s that?” And I say, “That’s my friend, Lynette, from the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.” JOSHHey. LEO Oh, hey Josh. MARGARETAnyway, she sent me an e-mail about the actual calorie count in the raisin muffin they’re serving in the mess. I forwarded the e-mail to several hundred assistants and secretaries in O.E.O.B. and in the West Wing, and that was fine. But Jolene Millman, who works in political liaison, then hit reply, which apparently- LEOOh Margaret! Margaret! I’m sorry. I’m gonna have to...I hung in there as long as I could, but you long since passed the point when I stopped caring. If you’re curious, it was right around raisin muffin. |
| QUOTE |
| MARGARET You having problems with your e-mail? TOBY Yeah. MARGARET Technical support says the pipeline’s been flooded. Apparently it happened when I forwarded an e-mail to several people, and one of them tried to reply. Everyone’s e-mail box is clogged with replies, which are now, automatically and constantly bounding back and forth at subatomic speed... [pause] I passed the where you’re interested, haven’t I? TOBY Yeah. Leo’s door opens. Out comes Admiral Fitzwallace and another officer. LEO Thank you, Fitz. FITZWALLACE Thank you. Hey Toby. TOBY Good afternoon admiral. LEO Toby, you here to see me? TOBY Yeah. LEO Fitz, the President’s gonna want to know is the Philippines redundant, that’s all. FITZWALLACE It is redundant. That’s the beauty of it. LEO Well, you’re gonna have to convince the President of its beauty. FITZWALLACE Yeah. I will. LEO If you say so. FITZWALLACE [to Toby] Say, who are those guys across the hall? TOBY They’re meeting with Sam on gays in the military. FITZWALLACE Why? TOBY Sam’s trying to put together a coherent position. FITZWALLACE When he comes up with one, let me know, will ya? TOBY Yes, sir. By the way, there may be a major security breach with the White House computers. FITZWALLACE White House computers aren’t secure. TOBY Well... that explains that. ...................................... MARGARET I.T. support is now accusing me of being a hacker. They’re accusing me of spamming or smurfing. They asked me if I was running a Trojan horse. I said no, I...I was simply informing the others that the calorie count in the raisin muffin was wrong. And it is, Toby. You don’t believe me...You should take one of those muffins and you know, take it down to the lab. TOBY I’ll do that. MARGARET Will you? TOBY Get me a muffin. Be careful not to handle it yourself. You want to use gloves. Slip it to me in a plastic bag. I’ll send it off to the lab. MARGARET You’re mocking me now, aren’t you? TOBY Yes. Leo’s office door opens. LEO Come in. Toby comes in LEO'S OFFICE. Leo walks to sit. LEO Margaret thinks the F.B.I.’s gonna bust in here any minute. |
| QUOTE |
| "Mrs. Landingham, I can't seem to find my glasses anywhere. Can you please do whatever it is you do when I can't find my glasses?" |