5 months. It had been 5 months since his Mother had sent him out to go get a job, and he had not returned yet. She sent him out to get a job an he just sort of... wondered of. His Mother stood at the window lookin up at the stars wondering if her son would ever return. Then suddenly, BOOM! Explosion out in the farm field (Yes, theres farms in Liverpool, sort off) She ran out and ran up her mile long field to find where a shed had blown up. Bemussed over what had happened she looked around and seen her son walk up drunk behind her holding a box of matches.
"Wayy herrr guur up derrrgh!" :wacko: he slurred
"THE CHRIS, you've returned, your drunk!?" :huh:
The Chris fell and past out infront of his worried Mother and instantly began drooling. She grabbed her son and began draggin him, but his heavy 12 stone slumped body was too much for his small weak mother to carry.
"Sod it, YOU'VE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY BOY! You can sleep out here tonight!" :angry: she then stormed back into the house
Welcome back she mumbled as she closed the door

MEANWHILE
A nutty nutty fruit cake (NNF cake) was running around minding his own business, when suddenly, BOOM, 1/3 of a nut hit him, and he had turned into Nutty Nutty NUTTY fruit cake (NNNF cake), which we all know is just TOO nutty for us, which means, EVIL!! EVILL, EVILL I TELL YOU! EVILL (Ok, so you all understand its evil then? Good? No not good, evil, EVILL!!) Ok, so then... erm, yea, The NNNF cake went an got some henchmen and a fluzzy. Dont ask how a cake went an done this, IT JUST DID, OK!? So yea, with his henchman and fluzzy inplace the NNNF cake wondered to Liverpool
"Boss" said henchman number one "why are we heading up to Liverpool?"
"Coz" :unsure: boomed the NNNF cake
"Coz what?" inquired the henchman
"Coz!" :unsure: Boomed the NNNF cake
"Coz what?.... why? Coz what?..... hey why wont you answer?.... HELLO!?" inquired the henchman
"COZ! OK, YUO F&*(^()ING *)(&()()& WHERE HEADING THERE COZ I WANT TO OK!!" :angry: Boomed the NNNF cake
"OK ok ok, Mr. Shirty! I was only asking, no reason to be all Mr. Meanie, some one wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? We get hit by an extra Nut now were all Mr. Moody!? Didnt get your bowl of Weetabiz? Didnt your Father tell you he loved you? Did you get bullied in sch-"
"ENOUGH OF YOUR DI**ERY" Boomed the NNNF cake. The NNNF cake then eat the f*&^er coz he was annoying me as well.
"Mo Fo, thats how I roll" Boomed the NNNF cake

Several hours later and many games of I spy, The NNNF cake, Henchmen number 6 and Henchmen number 14 (yes, alot of them were annoying) and the Fluzzy all arrived at Liverpool.
"I found an M&M on the floor and eat it and now I dont feel so good. Whats here in Liverpool for us poo-ky?" asked the ditzy fluzzy
"This is where he came, for solitude. This is were he learned who he was" Boomed the NNNF cake
They wondered round for a while. Went to a few cafés, went the Zoo. They seen this one cool animal who hit another animal on the head, then it turned around all cute and was all confused and hit another animal thinking it was that animal, but real... Sorry, moving along wih the story now. Ahem. They finaly arrived At The Chris's basement
"But Boss, he doesnt have a basement" said Henchmen number 14
"ENOUGH OF YOUR D**KERY" Boomed the NNNF cake as he punched the Henchman into orbit. Another Henchman, Henchman number 15 appeared in his place (by the way, their all identical)
"Why cant all my Henchmen be more like number 6 here? IS that too much to ask fluzzy?" Boomed the NNNF cake
"I onced put my head inside a plastic bag and got all sleepy" said the ditzy fluzzy
" +_+ ... Quiet so." Boomed the NNNF cake
They then entered The Chris's basement. There they seen 2 oompa Lumpa's dressed in women maid's cloths. One doin the dishes and one doin other house hold chores. John Travolta sat on the couch in his boxer shorts and vest. His vest had beer stains on it and he has cheetos in his beard. He sat there grumpy as he grunted at the television.
"Hey, are you the pizza guys?" said Tarvolta as he turned his fat neck towards the stair case the NNNF cake stood on with co.
"No, where friends of The Chris" Boomed the NNNF cake
"Chris? Chris? Chris Chris Chris? I dont know any Chris's"
"THE Chris!" Boomed the NNNF cake
"OH, THE Chris, yea, he went out for beer a few weeks ago and just sort of... wondered off"
"We came for his little black book" Boomed the NNNF cake, once again
"Oh sure, FRED! Go fetch The Chris's little black book" Said Travolta
"I dont think we should" said Fred as he took his pinny of and shuttled over to Tarvolta
"You will do as I say!" Boomed the NNNF cake as the Henchmen tied up the Oompa Lumpa's
"Hey Boss, should we tie up Tarvolta?" asked Henchmen number 6
"Nah, its cool, am nto going anywhere" Said Tarvolta. The NNNF cake and Henchmen just shrugged and left him to sit on the couch

So... erm... yea anyway, The NNNF cake got a hold of The Chris's little black book.
"The Chris's dating techniques are so advanced. His Godly like skills have so much power. His little black book has so much potential, the techology is so advanced. I will use his technology, his power to rule the world.. and stuff." Boomed the NNNF cake as he held up the Chris's little black book, which shimmied like a bright crystal.

MEANWHILE, one hung over naught boy awoke in bed.

The Chris awoke in his room. He was slumped half on the bed, and half on the floor, His hair a mess, and naked.
"Holy s**t my rooms been trashed!? Who done this?!"
"You did last night" said his Mother standing at the door
"You came to and just sort of... wondered back into your room. By the way when you went the toilet, you missed."
"Oh well" said The Chris as his head fell back
"Did you get a job?"
"How the hell would I know?"

MeanwMEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CHRIS'S COLLEG
"The Chris! You've returned!?" Shouted Jimmy Olsen
"SHHHH... am hung over" whispered The Chris
"And in nothin but a loin cloth? What happened to your cloths!" +_+ said Jimmy Olsen
"Meh, they were holding me back" he said as he carried on walkin throught he hall ways into the canteen
He came to his usual table he sits at with his friends, when he notices an empty indian curry carton. The Chris bemussed holds the empty tin foil carton up
"Yea, Lois ordered indian food without you"
and as Jimmy said this, The-Chris with surprice squeesed the carton in his hands almost breaking it
"But if you ask me, she still only wants to eat spicey food with you knw who."
"Me right?" asked The Chris as Jimmy nodded to him
"Meh, wanna go get drunk?" said The Chris?
"WHAT? But its only 4pm" Said Jimmy Olsen
"WHAT? OH crap, I hate late starts, c'mon, we have no time to waste!!" Said The Chris as he dragged Jimmy Olsen to the nearest Pub

MEANWHILE
The NNNF cake rips a tiny bit of paper from the Chris's old dating book were he wrote down all his girls names, phone numbers and e-mail adress's. He got one of the henchmen to place it into a huge train track model which had its own minitutre city and mini lake. As he dropped the piece of paper into the lake, the NNNF cake used his magical powers (what? Everyone knows that cakes have powers) to do something, an then there was a huge earth quake, lights went off and computers stopped walking in India an everything. Some crazy shit was goin down.
"Noo, this was just like the time I took my first driving test" said the ditzy Fluzzy
And then emerged a beutifull woman from the train track model.
"Howz my hair the Chris? Does my hand bag match my shoes The Chris? What carpet should we pick out for when were married and living together The Chris?" said the robot replica of one of The Chris's ex girl friends
"NNOOO, what have I created? A MONSTER, No wonder she was The Chris's EX, shes a commintment FREAK!! An annoying" Boomed the NNNF cake

MEANWHILE, THE NEAREST PUB FROM COLLEGE
"Then I said, if I dont wanna be potty trained, I wont be pooty trained Mother, an you cant make me!" slurred Jimmy in a drunken state
"Yea Jimmy, good story (rolls eyes) But whats this got to do with your first day of High school?"
"That was my first day of High school"
" +_+ .... Quiet so" said the Chris, abit worried
"Anyway, drink up man, you havent even touched your 2nd pint of Larger"
"Hye... I hk I ah enuff" falls of bar stool
"Now I remember why I dont take you drinking" said The Chris as he watched Jimmy soil himself
The Chris then turns to the TV screen and watches a news broadcast of a new type of shuttle launch. He sees a very very VERY sexy woman talking about how the lift off works, or sayin something about her shoes, The Chris wasnt really payin attention, all he knew was she was HOT.
"Be right back Jimmy, dont go anywhere"
Jimmy then leans up and slumps onto a gay puertorican man. The gay puertorican puts his arm around Jimmy's waist and smiles at him
"Aww, you poor boy, dont worry, I'll take good care of you now" he says as he drags Jimmy away

MEANWHILE MILES AWAY THOUSAND OF FEET IN THE AIR
"And thats how I found the shoe shop where I bought my shoes. Any more questions?"
"What do you use for your hair?" Asked Lois
"Well I use to use-" anyway, soemthin EXCITING
The Chris is flying as fast as he can through the air. He approches the plane
"Ok, gotta get rid of this BORING space craft first" said The Chris as he stomped onto the plane and stood under the craft as he pushed up with all his shibby strength. He struggled as it was held onto the craft buy 3 release thingy... thingy's.
The Chris shouted at one of them "LET GO OF THE CRAFT YOU FU**ER"
And scared, the anaminent object did so out of fear of this strange man who came flying through the air.
"An you to, dont have me to come over there! I mean it! LET GO!!" He then pointed at it forcefully and the 2nd one blow up
"An whats up with you? C'mon, just let go of the craft" ordered the Chris, with no such luck.
"FINE THEN!" as The Chris ran over to the 3rd release thingy and began kicking it with all his anger
"HAVE AT THEE!" as it then broke of. The Chris then proceeded to Launch the space craft into outer space, and looked down at the plane which was gettin away. As he flew towards the plane there was an explosion for no reason what so ever (hey, My return needs more explosions, ok?) The plane began to crash, falling through the air.
The Chris ripped two of the wings of, coz... well he just wanted to ok? Thing which is important though is he cought it! YAY, but had no where to put this plane, so he decided to plonk it in the middle of a baseball pitch, spoiling the fun for everyone as he was interupting the game (What a guy) He then ripped open one of the doors and struggled to get into the plane.
"Ahe... Ah.. huu" The Chris was out of breath
"One.. minute please...huuurgh" he said as he slumped into one of the chairs, a man comes over an offers him a glass of water, The Chris drinks it an thanx the man as a woman wipes the sweat of his forehead.
"Anyway, what I came for" The Chris jumps up and runs over to where the sexy woman is standing, she is leanin agasint the wall lookin quiet bemussed (shibby word to use, isnt it?) an The Chris leans one arm agasint the wall and smiles at her
"How you doing?" he inquires
The sexy woman faces turns from a look of horror :huh: to a look of delight, :wub: as she throws her arms around The Chris and pationatly kiss's him. As she steps back from the embrace, she hands him her number and skips off.
The Chris then turns towards the door of the plane with a grin on his face and as he walks over to the door, many more women approch him and hand him their numbers, a guy grabs The Chris
"TEACH ME! Show me how!! SHOW ME THE WAY" he says despritely
"Nay, my powers cannot be trusted in the hands of mortals"
The Chris then steps out of the door of the plane and sees the entire standium of people all thrown down their numbers for The Chris
"Yeap, it was worth it. Its good to be back" :D

I'm not reading all of that!

Whatever this news is condence it into five words or less!

"Screw you" lol easy as

Now go away, your spoiling my return

"BOSS BOSS BOSSS BOSSS" Shouted Henchmen number 18 (yes, more had perished)
"Its NUTTY NUTTY NUTTY FRUIT CAKE to you Henchman number 18!" Boomed the NNNF cake
"Oh, ok then, NUTTY NUTTY NUTTY FRUIT CAKE, NUTTY NUTTY NUTTY FRUIT CAKE, NUTTY NUTTY NUTTY FRUIT CAKE!"
"What you pathetic waste of spa.. ya know, am getting fed up of killing these &*()(@:@* henchmen! Whats up!" Boomed the NNNF cake
"Th, th THE CHRIS! He has returned!" said Henchmen number 18 with a look of fear and other scary things which portray his shock and horror of The Chris's return
"What? But that cant be! He went to go get money from the cash machine and just sort of... wondered off. No way he could have returned!" Boomed the NNNF cake
"Its true poo-ky"
"Will you stop calling me pet names and poo-ky, am the NUTTY NUTTY NUTTY FRUIT CAKE" Boomed the NNNF cake
"Ok, Nubby Nubby Nubby fwuit cake, I saw him at a standium and gave him my number" said the ditzy fluzzy
"... <_< did she call me Nubby? Anyway, (turns his attention away and mono-logues to himself) He cant have return, my nemisis, my greatest enemy of them all. The only thing that can stand in the way of me controling the world and harnishing the powers of the God of all things sexy and what women want. My god, he may be the greatest threat EVER!" boomed the NNNF cake

MEANWHILE
"Well am Horny, HORNY HORNY HORNY, so HORNY, horny horny horny toniiiight! Hey, where did my rubber ducky go?" sang The Chris in a steamy bathroom infront of a mirror naked and wet (what an image eh?)
Yes, he really seems like a great threat when in the shower, doesnt he? Well believe you me, The Chris IS a threat... to himself and small objects, but still a thought of concern.

MEANWHILE, ON A STORMY ISLAND SOME DISTANT AWAY FROM THE COAST OF LIVERPOOL, WERE ITS STORMY, ROCKY AND STUFF... LEAVE ME ALONE
"Just how the hell did you get a place like this NNNF cake?" asked henchmen number 6 (Now availbale for modeling deals)
"I donno, am a freaking cake, dont ask me how I do these things" Boomed the NNNF cake
"Sweatie, a jaggered rock over there is stering at me and says I have tacky shoes!" says, well you know who said it
"No it never, and yes you do, but anyway, onwards with my plans. I have been studying the Chris's techniques and have harnised the powers of his little black book. I will replicate all of his ex girlfriends and make them attack him by honding him for dates and boring him with their plans of their future together. Then with his patience shattered, he'll crumble like dust and I will destroy him!! All I need to do is but his little black book into this rocket, fire it into the air and have it land in the water over there, and for no reason what so ever, replica's of his ex's will appear and then again, for no reason what so ever. The Chris will show up for our finale show down. Muwhahahahaha" Boomed the NNNF cake, in what was a long speech which no one paid much attention to, as the other henchmen began playing ping pong and The ditzy fluzzy began playing with a plastic bag... agan. (Her IQ is the same as her bust size, try and guess it, I dare ya!)

MEANWHILE, AFTER AN EXTRA SPICEY CURRY AND A CAN OF LARGER
" "Noo Darth Vader, I will not join you to the dark side" "Oh yes you will Mr Potato Man, I have your wife prisonier!" "NOO, Not action man!" "
The Chris was playing 'Star wars domestics' with A potato man Vs Darth Vader, with an action man tied up on the ceiling fan.
"Wait, what the?... I sense a disturbence in the force... fart? Nay, too suttle... a porn star refusing to film herself again? Nay, its not that bad, but what can it be? And why are the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end?"
"Yea sorry bout that The Chris, that was just me messing around with a staticaly charged balloon" said Jimmy Olson, holding a balloon, staticaly charged as well.
ENTER LOIS
"The Chris, I was hopeing we could talk in a romantic setting on the rooftop" says Lois
"Sure, may as well, I lost my frizbee up there a while ago"
MEANWHILE, ON THE ROOFTOP
"Am sorry I ordered an Indian take away without you The Chris... I didnt know when I'd see you again, wether you would return or not" said Lois, lookin a bit upset
"Hey, not only did I find my frizbee, but a cure for stoppin reality TV, is rigth!" Said the Chris with delight!"
"Your not even listenen are you? I thougth you where gone forever, I didnt know where you were. I learned that I didnt need a buddy to go eating with. The world doesnt need The Chris"
"Lois, cm'here" said the Chris as he held onto Lois and flew with her into the sky over looking the city
"What do you see below you?"
"The city... why?"
"I see pubs, bars, shibby little cafés to sit off in, Indian resturants and plenty of take away meal places. Am never gone. Just lost some where in a drunken or hungover manner. Or gettin drunk. Just go lookin for me, or shout "SATIN KNICKERS CONVENTION!!" And I will always come running towards you. But that was NO excuss to go ordering spicey food without me. I dont think I can ever forgive you for what you did. An bitch, COURSE the World needs The Chris. Who else can the world have? The Jimmy Olsen? PLEASE" The Chris lands with Lois on the rooftop and flies off
"Am goin off to buy some cans of larger, if am gone for a few months dont go ordering food without me ok!!" he says in a sarcastic manner

MEANWHILE
"hehehehhehehe" Boomed the NNNF cake as hurds of hot women crawled out of the raging water and up onto the Stormy Island.
The women all wondered round clue-less, bumping into each other and falling over, all muttering the same crap women usualy go on about.
"Now for me to DESTROY the Chris... if only there was some way for him to get here... hmm?" Boomed and pondered the NNNF cake"
"HOWDY!" said The Chris as he come crashing through the air and landed forcfully on the ground, making it shake and slightly crumble under his feet (the way Superman done it)
"Wait... what are you doing here :blink: " Boomed the NNNF cake
"I donno, went the shop and bought an 12 pack of largers, took a wrong turn at the bus stop and ended up here... where the nuck are we and who the nuck ar... MY GOD! NNNF CAKE!" said the Chris
"Yes yes, your nemesis has returned!" Boomed the NNNF cake
"YOU BASTARD! You killed the one woman who I truley kinda loved and wanted to do rude things with without knowing her name! You killed my evil but hot guitar teacher!!"
As The Chris screams this, his evil but hot guitar teacher flys past The Chris
"Hiya Chris, THATS NOT HOW YOU STRUM THE CHORD OF 'D'!"
"Not now evill but hot guitar teacher, in the middle of a show down for your honour, ya know?"
Anyway, moving along, the Henchman moves over to The Chris and take his 12 pack of larger of him, The Chris is too distracted by stuff to realise
They begin to pure the larger onto the floor
"Hey, stop that, thats carlsberg export, thats good stuff" begged the Chris, but the Henchman carried on pouring the Chris's larger away. The Chris fell to his knee's, weakened as though he was exposed to a radioactive rock from an aliens blown up planet. Only its larger bein poured away.
"NOOOO monsters, stop please! You'es dont have to do this" begged The Chris some more
"Yes YES! HE'S WEAKENING! His will to live has been removed now that we have poured his larger away" boomed the NNNF cake
The NNNF cake then began to beat the Chris sensless and threw him of a cliff into the raggin waters below the stormy Island
"Wow, that was easier then expected. Now to move onwards with the rest of my plans now that I have harnised the powers of The God of all things sexy and what women want (he turns towards the millions of girls running aimless-ly around the stormy Island) Hey... how you doin?" Boomed the NNNF cake to all the women