A guy who reviews games from GameFAQs

GTA:SA

So there I was, with my Playstation 2 and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas sitting inside. I'd had mishaps already with Halo 2 and Tales of Symphonia and I really needed a good game. So I got called up on the telephone and took the system to a relative's place.

I was over at my cousin Estevan's place and told him that this game was supposed to be really badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. He asked if it was really badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass, and I told him that yeah it was supposed to be badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. He said that was badass that it was so badassfully badass.

So we started off playin', and about thirty-two minutes later I realized that this game was longer than Halo 2 and I thought that was pretty badass. So Estevan had the dual shock in his palms, thuggin' the streets and beating some guys up with baseball bats.

Then the doorbell rang, and it was the pizza guy. He said that he had some breadsticks and it would be three fifty. I told him I wasn't falling for that because I knew his secret. That was no pizza man, that was that damn Loch Ness monster!

So I socked him in the head and told him to get the hell out, but he wasn't having any of that and he threw the breadsticks at my face. Have you ever had hot bread thrown at your face? It's burns in a badass fashion, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

So I started brawling with the Loch Ness monster in the middle of the living room. I was getting the better of him when I got a sudden surprise! It was that ****ing coyote from last night! There he was staring me in the face, he must have snuck in through the window!

I was cornered... I had the Loch Ness monster on one side of me, and that ****ing coyote on the other. This was most certainly not badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. So I did the only thing I could do, I yelled out "Hadoken!" and a fireball shot from my hand and burned that coyote's head right off. Now I just had to deal with the Loch Ness monster and I had to do it fast.

I grabbed the Playstation 2 and ripped the cords out. I picked it up over my head and swung it down across the Loch Ness monster's skull. The monster fell to the ground in a very badass fashion, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

Just then, the disc tray on the Playstation 2 flew up and the disc shot out at roughly a million miles a second. It flew across the throat of Estevan and sliced his head off quick and smooth. It was just as smooth as a warm stick of butter up a cat's ass.

I realized what Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas did, and I was pissed off. That game just decapitated my cousin and I'm sure it only did it because he's hispanic! How racist can this game get? I picked up my foot and smashed it across the disc, shattering it into a million pieces. That was pretty badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

Anyway, overall, I give this game a 9.4/10, it's just as good as Halo 2, except longer, but it loses points for being so racist and killing a member of my family. Killing my family just isn't badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

Halo 2

Wow... this is such a short and easy game.

See, I was playing it because I thought the first Halo was pretty badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. So I went out and reserved it and was majorly ****ing hyped up to say the least.

So I just started playing it and was dual wielding, and I was all "This dual wielding is pretty badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass." Then, the ice cream truck came by.

I was thinking, what the hell? Why is there an ice cream truck coming by in the middle of November? And then I thought, wait this isn't the middle of November, it's the early portion! So I ran outside and ordered a malt.

While I was out there ordering my malt, and malts are pretty badass, badass like me Revolutionary Badass, I realized that I didn't even have the game on pause. So I came back in the house and saw Uncle Emilio with the system picked up over his head ready to pitch it out the window. I was thinking, wow, this isn't badass.

So Uncle Emilio was about to throw the system, still plugged in, out the window. I yelled out "NOOOOOOOOO!" in a long dramatic manner instead of actually doing something, you know because doing something isn't badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

But the cords kept the system plugged in and it was just hanging there out the window. Then some ****ing coyote came up to the window and started chewing on the system. Meanwhile Uncle Emilio was beating on the Xbox with a yard stick. The disc was still in the system and I heard a bad scratch and a skip sound. I looked over at the TV, which is a pretty badass Hitachi by the way, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass, and saw that it was showing the credits. The coyote + Emilio attack glitched the game and gave me the credits.

The credits were pretty cool, but this game is just way too damn short if I can beat it in thirty one minutes. It's not quite badass enough for 10, not badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. In conclusion, I rate Halo 2 a 9.4 and a must buy, even if it is too short.

ToS

I was playing Tales of Symphonia and I had heard that it could take forty to eighty hours to complete, and you guys were way off base.

See, I started playing, and I was hearing all this stuff about the chosen one so I just screamed at me TV "Shut up, this isn't badass! It isn't badass like me, Revolutionary Badass." and the game was all like "Oh, yeah." and then it just kept playing like normal.

I was pissed off to say the least, the story clearly wasn't badass enough for Revolutionary Badass so I made the only choice I could. I grabbed an axe, five dollars at Wal-mart, and started hacking the **** out of the side of my Gamecube.

After five or six whacks, the Gamecube started sparking and my house was on fire. The fire department showed up to put out the flames, but then the Gamecube stopped skipping and it sent me to the ending of the game. Once I saw the ending I was saying "Jesus Christ, this isn't badass. Badass like me, Revolutionary Badass."

Then I realized that my ass was on fire. So I was running around with my ass on fire, until I realized that the flames were pretty badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. Then those guys at the fire department doused me in water and made the flames go away? What's up with that? That wasn't badass.

So in conclusion, I beat this game in three hours and I'll give it a seven out of ten. I'm subtracting points for it not being nearly long enough to be badass, badass like me Revolutionary Badass.

Well, now I've got to go out and buy another Gamecube, and get a book of matches so I can set my ass on fire again. That would be badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

Sorry, it had to be posted...

lmao. Very funny, and slightly weird.
Duck sent them to me over msn, couldn't stop laughing. I like the Pokemon one better though.

Behold, the Pokemon one, as requested (kinda, but maybe not) but Capitila;

Poke' Mon! What the hell? I thought this would be some game about hip rastafarians who were pokey, but when I got the game home I found out that it was an RPG. Now, I'm not a big fan of RPGs, at least not since the days of the Super Nintendo, when RPGs were badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. Still, I decided I'd play.

I found out I was some guy named Ash, and I had to collect creatures in my balls in order to save the world. Now I'm used to accumulating things in balls... you know, like hiding large objects in soccer balls to sneak them through airport security. That's badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. So I was throwing balls, throwing them really ****ing hard at random creatures as they appeared. I was told that I had to catch them all, and I was going to do just that. Suddenly, I heard scratching at the window.

I looked and saw at the window... it was another coyote, this time wearing a samurai suit! I put the game on pause, folded my Gameboy SP down, and picked up a baseball bat. I was ready for this bastard, and he knew it. The coyote picked up a hammer in it's mouth and shattered the window. He jumped through and looked me in the face. Suddenly, he spoke. "Revolutionary Badass, there is little doubt that you are badass, and you killed my son. I am here for revenge. I have been studying in the Hazuki style for many years. I have learned all of the tricks of the trade. I know how to care for kittens, save little kids from being hit by soccer balls, and spend lots of time gambling at the docks. There is nothing you can do to stop me."

I was stunned, this coyote learned from Shenmue! Video games teach people everything, I learned how to chase down and pull people out of moving vehicles from Grand Theft Auto! I learned how to hop on things and crush them from Mario. I learned that falling more than three inches would kill me from Donkey Kong. Animal Crossing taught me that I'm invulnerable to death! Wait... that's right! I am incapable of dying! I looked that coyote bastard in the eyes and said "Listen up Wile E., if that is your real name, I remember the days when ghosts saw my *****, and I never thought I'd recover... but... where was I? Oh right, I know that I can't die! Do your worst."

The coyote looked at me, frightened, and then picked up a kitten and began petting it. Aw! I fell to the ground in pain, looking under the couch I saw a baseball. I knew that I only had one chance, games had taught me everything I'd ever known, and Pokemon must be true. "MOON PRISM POWER MAGIC!" I shouted, and transformed into a sexy Japanese school girl. Oh wait, that wasn't it. The powerful karate coyote was distracted, staring at my breasts, and I realized I had one more chance. "GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!" I shouted, throwing the baseball at the coyote's head. The ball opened up in mid-air and swallowed the coyote whole.

I smiled, looking down at the coyote ball. I knew that I was the victor once again, I had defeated that coyote in a way that was badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass. Yet, I knew that there would be more coyotes. They would want revenge for the pain that I had caused them, and wherever there are coyotes there are reasons for me to continue fighting. There are reasons for me to battle, for me to be badass, badass like me, Revolutionary Badass.

*drops dead from laughter!!!* :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

XDDDDDDDDDD

Best...reviewer...EVER!

:lol: :lol: :lol: Loch Ness Monster.... hahahahaha... That was funny...

Heh, you must give links to where we can find more of his reviews. ^_^

Sounds like something Maddox would post, if he liked Xbox that is.

The best reviews are simply the ones that make you entertained and you laugh at/with. Ditto what Char said.

I WOULD give you a link, but he hasn't got a website, they were posted on a message board, but each topic was deleted... If he does anymore I will post them as soon as I get them.

*waits patiently for another revolutionary, badass review*

...he should do Metal Gear Solid 2 or 3. o_O;