Advance Wars 2.875, Part 12

Previously...er, what did happen previously? Oh, forget it. It probably wasn't important anyway.

-Black Hole II- (formerly known as Orange Star)

Sturm: Amazing. A whole year has gone by without us getting thrown out of Orange Star. Well, it's time to conquer another country.

Hawke: I still can't believe you're actually acting intelligent.

Sturm: You don't believe I'm intelligent?

Hawke: Yes I do.

Sturm: You just said you couldn't!

Hawke: That was a figure of speech!

Lash: Or was it?

Hawke: It was.

Lash: Crud. I was hoping for some dramatic suspense.

Sturm: Where's Adder? I know Flak is off smashing stuff somewhere, but where's Adder? We never seem to see him much.

Lash: Oh, he quit. He wanted to get a job he felt better suited his talents. He didn't feel being a CO featured enough trickery or deceit.

Sturm: Really? What job?

Lash: I have no idea.

There is a long pause.

Sturm: Isn't it supposed to cut away to what he's doing, and whatever he's doing will be some kind of a joke?

Lash: It should've, but didn't. Lord Seth is becoming even more crazy, apparently, and isn't even following through with his jokes.

Meanwhile, underground...

Orange Star citizen: It's been 1 year since Black Hole has defiled and conquered our land.

Citizen 2: I'm not sure they really "defiled" it. In fact, they've actually improved the air quality and disposed of some of our excess garbage...

Citizen: Shut up! I'm trying to make a speech here! Anyway, they have-

A large group of Black Hole soldiers burst into the room and arrest all of the citizens.

Citizen 2: I TOLD you we shouldn't have passed out flyers saying "Secret anti-Black Hole meeting at five o'clock underground today"

Citizen: It's easy to be perfect in hindsight.

Meanwhile...

Adder: It took you long enough to go through the line of people ahead of me!

Interviewer: Fine, fine. Anyway, to see if you're good at this job, you need to, on the spot, think up a good, creative lie. It needs to be a lie, but should be so convincing that the majority of people in your country will believe it.

Adder: I am not a crook!

Interviewer: Richard Nixon did it.

Adder: Um...I never went too far with that woman?

Interviewer: Bill Clinton did it.

Adder: Read my lips, no new tax laws?

Interviewer: George Bush did that.

Adder: Uh...an enemy country has weapons of horrible destruction, and we'll invade them, despite all evidence to the contrary?

Interviewer: No. The other George Bush did that. Sorry, but until your lies aren't just copies off of what Presidents said, you don't get the job.

Adder: But...but...I always wanted this job! It's my life's dream!

Interviewer: It's the life's dream of other people, also. And they're actually GOOD at it. Now get out of here.

Adder sadly leaves.

Interviewer: Next!

The Boy Who Cried Wolf: There's a wolf outside! A WOLF!

-Black Hole-

Hawke: It's boring here. I was left in charge of this place while the rest of the Black Hole COs are in charge of the occupation of Orange Star. And I'm stuck here, doing nothing other than talking to myself in a strange manner.

Black Hole Soldier: Attention, sir!

Hawke: What is it now?

Black Hole Soldier: Green Earth has launched a large-scale attack on us!

Hawke: Is that all? Just fight them off. Don't bother me until at least TWO countries attack us.

Another Black Hole Soldier enters.

Black Hole Soldier: Sir! Yellow Comet is invading!

Hawke: Finally! Excitement!

One terrible, bloody, devastating and brutal war later...

Flak: We've driven the enemy from our shores and have dealt a crippling blow to them, so we can conquer their homelands also. (sobbing) But at what cost? AT WHAT COST?!

Lash: Let's see...at the cost of 10,000,000 innocent civilians, 40,000,000 Yellow Comet soldiers, 50,000,000 Green Earth soldiers, and 100,000,000 Black Hole soldiers.

Flak: Whew! Not as bad as I thought.

Adder: Do we even have that many people in our country?

Hawke: No. But anyway, the point is WE'RE still alive, and that's all that matters. Now let's go conquer Yellow Comet and Green Earth and kill more people. Especially the innocent civilians.

Flak and Lash: All right!

Another terrible, bloody, and brutal war later...

Lord Seth: You forgot devastating.

Shut up!

Hawke: I can't believe it. We actually conquered Yellow Comet and Green Earth. Sure, it took another 100,000,000 Black Hole Soldiers to do it, but I'm still alive, so who cares?

Flak: Well, it goes to prove that war does have one definite usage.

Hawke: What?

Flak: It keeps the surplus population down.

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Uh-oh. Black Hole has conquered Yellow Comet AND Green Earth. We could be in trouble if they decide to invade us.

Olaf: Oh, you've got nothing to worry about. I already took precautions.

Grit: Let me guess. You put a fence up around our country.

Olaf: Good grief no! That would be stupid! I put up a forceshield around the country. It should be able to adequately withstand their attacks.

Grit stares at Olaf in shock.

Grit: Okay, WHAT happened to you?

Olaf: Oh, I went on this big adventure. It involved arranging mice, cats, buckets, conveyer belts, fish tanks, missiles, rockets, fireworks, lasers, can openers, mirrors, mixers, belts, rope, jack-in-the-boxes, walls, inclines, fans, electric motors, generators, bike pumps, springboards, anti-gravity pads, mouse holes, houses, Mel Schlemmings, balls, boxing gloves, egg timers, coffee pots, vacuums, dynamite, remote-controlled explosives, nitroglycerine, candles, alligators, teeter-totters, pulleys, balloons, flashlights, toasters, flint rocks, gears, magnifying glasses, lava lamps, and more to accomplish rather trivial tasks such as putting a ball in a bucket or firing a cannon. Anyway, it made me a lot smarter.

Lord Seth: That was a hidden reference, in case you couldn't tell.

Grit: I hate your hidden references.

Lord Seth: As much as you hate me?

Grit: No, not as much as I hate you.

Lord Seth: Crud.

Meanwhile...

Lord Seth: This part has been going on too long, so it's high time to end it.

Is it time to end it? Should I keep making the first question the previous statement changed into a question? How can Lord Seth be in two places at once? Will Black Hole, as per usual, get kicked out of the countries? And what are the Orange Star, Yellow Comet, and Green Earth COs doing right now? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!

Advance Wars 2.875, Part 15

Previously, Black Hole conquered Yellow Comet and Green Earth. Now the only country they don't have control of is Blue Moon...

-Blue Moon-

Grit: Okay, Olaf, let's see if I got this straight. After you somehow became smarter through what was a hidden reference, you put up a forcefield to protect us.

Colin: Actually, I think the proper term here is forceshield. Forceshield implies defense, but forcefield just separates things.

Grit: Not that forcefield/forceshield thing AGAIN!

Colin: Huh? When was the first time?

Grit: Never mind.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Only one country yet eludes us: Blue Moon. Once we conquer them, we shall have control of the entire world! Mwahahahaha!

Flak: But what's the point? I mean, sure, we have power and all, but what's the point? We're all going to die anyway. And what's the point of even having all that power?

Sturm: Lash?

Lash: Yes?

Sturm: Knock Flak unconcious and brainwash him.

Lash: You mean, use torture tactics to change his views?

Sturm: No. I mean take his brain out, wash it, then put it back in.

Flak: Hey, don't I get a say in this?

Sturm and Lash: No.

Flak: Crud.

-Blue Moon-

Colin: Several units are approaching our border!

Olaf: Who cares? The forcefield-

Colin: Forceshield.

Olaf: Well, the forceshield will protect us from them, so we don't have to worry. Just ignore them.

Meanwhile, in the units...

Andy: Why the heck won't they let us in?

Max: Yeah, it's not like they don't care because they think their forceshield will protect them against everything, and we don't matter, right?

Eagle: Oh, let's just destroy the forcefield, then go in.

Jess: It's a forceshield, Eagle.

Eagle: Whatever! Close enough!

Jess: No, they're different. You see, a forceshield-

Drake: We'll discuss this later! Now isn't the time!

Nell: Yeah! Destroy the forceshield so we can go in there to be safe.

Sami: Huh? That doesn't make sense.

Max: It makes perfect sense! We destroy the forceshield, enter Blue Moon, and then we're protected by the forceshield.

Sami: But the forceshield would be destroyed!

Max: So? It'll protect us.

Eagle: Where's the Yellow Comet COs and Hachi anyway?

Where are they anyway? Will Black Hole conquer Blue Moon? Is this part too short? Is this whole quest for power thing pointless because we're all going to die? Is there even any point to this story, as everyone who reads it and enjoys it is only going to die?

Lord Seth: These are serious philosophical issues, and this is supposed to be a humorous story, not a serious one. Quit it.

Will I quit it?

Lord Seth: Yes, you will!

Uh...well...aw, crud, I hate having the questions answered so soon after they're asked.

Lord Seth: Live with it. Oh, and tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875!

Advance Wars 2.875, Part 18

Previously, Black Hole decided it was time to conquer Blue Moon.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Are the forces ready for battle?

Hawke: They're always ready for battle.

Sturm: Good...good.

Lash: Unfortunately, Blue Moon has put up a powerful forceshield to keep us out. However, I should be able to take it out.

Sturm: Excellent!

Lash: ...but it'll probably take me about a year to do so. We need to examine it and then build a machine that will take it out.

Adder: I say we just tunnel under it.

Sturm: ...which is exactly what I was about to suggest!

Adder: SUUUUURE you were.

Sturm: No, really, it was.

Lord Seth: Just to let the reader know, Sturm actually WAS just about to suggest it. That's the joke: you think he was making that up, but he actually was going to say it.

Later...

Sturm: Important meeting! All COs must join!

Flak: When is the meeting?

Sturm: 2 PM.

Flak: Aw man, I hate afternoon meetings...and evening meetings...and morning meetings...and night meetings...in fact, I hate all meetings.

Sturm: You didn't seem to have a problem with them before. You were in plenty of meetings!

Flak: Yeah, but I was...um...uh...I don't know, think up some weird explanation and pass it off as fact.

Sturm: That's what these stories do best!

Meanwhile...

Lord Seth: We're trying to branch this story out to get people who prefer different genres to read it. So we'll try to incorporate things from the various different genres. First up, Romance!

Andy is holding a gift-wrapped package and gives it to Sonja.

Andy: Happy Valentine's Day, Sonja! This gift came directly from my heart!

Sonja: Why, thank you Andy!

Sonja opens the present, only to find out it's just a vial of blood.

Sonja: Huh?

Andy: I said it was directly from my heart.

Sonja faints.

Lord Seth: Angst!

Sami is seen holding a gun.

Sami: LIFE IS FUTILE! (kills self)

Lord Seth: Don't worry, she'll be fine. Now I'm supposed to read this thing to avoid lawsuits.

Lord Seth pulls out a packet and starts reading.

Lord Seth: You are warned to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (turns page) ever, ever, attempt what Sami just did. Wait...I think I left out an "ever". I'll have to do that again. *ahem* Never, ever, ever, ever, ever-

Sami: Just shut up and get on with it!

Lord Seth: Oh, right. Ahem. Next up is Tragedy.

Colin: WHY?! Why did you have to die, Olaf and Grit?

It starts raining, despite the fact it's indoors. Colin looks up towards the sky in a dramatic fashion and thrusts his hands in that direction.

Colin: WHY?!

Grit: Um, Colin? We're standing right here.

Colin: Oh.

Lord Seth: Drama!

Nothing happens.

Lord Seth: See? After all, that's all that happens in drama. Anyway, on to Poetry!

Drake: I had to write this
And I wanted to be quick
Haikus are fastest

Lord Seth: Mystery!

Eagle is in a room with the other COs.

Eagle: One of you took my lucky goggles! And I know which one...

Eagle points at himself.

Eagle: Ha! I fooled you all! I was the one who took my lucky goggles!

Lord Seth: Horror!

Sonja is standing in a swamp. Max comes running by.

Max: AAAAAHHH!! It's the son of the return of the revenge of the death of the Evil Swamp Monster King!

Sonja: Oh, come on. There's no such thing as an Evil Swamp Monster-

A greenish claw grabs Sonja's leg and pulls her into the weird green water-like stuff that's in swamps.

Lord Seth: Supernatural!

Lash is wearing goggles.

Lash: My See Dead People Goggles™ are awesome!

Adder: So what's going on with you now?

Lash: I see dead people...all the time.

Adder: I had to ask.

Lash: I see dead people-

Adder: I got it the first time!

Lord Seth: Fantasy!

Weird Wizard: And it's up to you to throw this ring into the fires of Mt. Doom.

Hachi: But what's in it for me?

Weird Wizard: Um...you'll be famous forever?

Olaf: I was thinking more in terms of getting paid.

Weird Wizard: Oh, forget it. I'll just find some other people to do this for me. If intelligence is proportional to body size, I should find some pretty small people...

Lord Seth: Spiritual!

Colin: I just joined this cool new religion!

Grit: What religion is this?

Colin: It's called Wehatereligionism.

Grit: Um...what's their primary doctrine?

Colin: To join the religion, you just have to hate organized religion. But hating disorganized religion is fine also.

Grit: But if they hate all religions, how can it be a religion?

Colin: Beats me. I only signed up because they were giving out free tacos to new converts.

Grit: You joined a religion just to get a taco?

Colin: Hey, I was hungry!

Lord Seth: Suspense!

Nell is tied to a train track while a train approaches. Suddenly, an airplane overhead accidentally drops a knife. She grabs it and uses it to cut the ropes, and she gets out with 1/10 of a second to spare.

Lord Seth: Sci-Fi!

Suddenly, 7 or so giant UFOs appear all over Wars World. They float around there for a while, then leave.

Lord Seth: And lastly, Parody! (pause) No, wait...I think we've got that covered. Well, we wasted so much time on this that we're out of time, so tune in next time to-

Hey! I'm the one that gets to say that!

Lord Seth: Fine, but be quick about it!

Will I be quick about it? Find out next time!

Advance Wars 2.875, Part 24

Previously, we had a part only for filler.

-Yellow Comet-

Black Hole Soldier: This place is boring.

Black Hole Soldier 2: Yeah, I almost wish there was a rebellion so we could get some excitement.

Swarms of Yellow Comet soldiers all rush in and kill all the Black Hole Soldiers.

Black Hole Soldier 2: I said almost! Almost!

-Black Hole-

Sturm: We have just received word that our forces have been thrown out of Yellow Comet, just as we knew they would.

Flak: If we knew that, why’d we even bother invading?

Sturm: We need a plot, you know.

Flak: Oh.

Sturm: Who was in charge of being in charge of Yellow Comet again?

Hawke: That was Adder.

Sturm: Bring Adder in here!

Adder: I’m right here.

Sturm: Oh.

There is a long pause.

Sturm: What was I going to do again?

Adder: Um...punish me?

Sturm: You can’t fool me with that kind of reverse psychology! You get off the hook for letting them overthrow you.

Hawke: I knew this new intelligent Sturm was too good to last.

-Yellow Comet-

Kanbei: We have cast out Black Hole and are now in control of our own country. Now we need to begin the task of rebuilding.

Kanbei pulls out some LEGOs and begins to start putting them together.

Kanbei: Stupid Black Hole! They took apart all of my LEGO sets!

Sonja: Um, shouldn’t we try to rebuild the country first?

Kanbei: And leave my LEGO sets broken? No!

Sonja: Oh, fine, I’ll do it myself.

Sonja leaves.

Sensei: Oh, don’t mind her. Her generation just can’t appreciate...uh...whatever it is she isn’t appreciating.

-Black Hole-

Sturm: Argh! Has that anti-forceshield device been finished!

Lash: We’ve still got almost a year to go!

Sturm: I can’t wait that long! And neither can the reader! There’s only one possible course of action to prevent us from going crazy from the wait.

Lord Seth: Oh, you’re not asking me to do what I think you’re asking me to do, are you?

Sturm: Yes I am.

Lord Seth: Are you sure?

Sturm: Yes.

Lord Seth: Fine, fine.

1 Year Later...

Lord Seth: There! Happy?

Sturm: Absolutely.

Lash: We encountered some problems, though. It’ll probably take another year to fix them.

Sturm looks like he’s going insane and starts rumbling. He then blows up.

Lash: Um, I was just kidding. Sturm? Sturm?

Will the anti-forceshield thingy get rid of the forceshield? Will Sturm get back together? Why do I even bother with these questions? Why do I keep asking the preceding question? Are these questions not being as funny as they used to? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875! Well, at least the next time we’re in THIS storyline.