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| Sav is gone. After you read this she’ll never be able to come back. Well, you see, Savarian never fully existed in the first place. I’m still not entirely how to fully explain this, but I do know that I need to and want to tell you now. So, please, just bear with me. I am the person who makes up Savarian, but I'm not who I've lead you to believe all this time. My name is Matt and, obviously (now), a male. Savarian as you’ve come to know her was the product of crazy/stupid idea back in the days of IGN. At the time, I was first getting into things like online communities and figured I would just poke around and such. Nothing too major. Not more than a week or two into it one of those threads came up about girl gamers. Being fairly new to these things I didn't know any better and figured it was something of significance, at least in terms of a board. I've sorta thought for a long time that a girl whole defied the rules of these things by her very existence would be cool to have around. She would be like any other gamer out there and basically only a girl by birth. She would probably be a cool person, but she would also force some people to rethink what kind of person can do things. I was still new to the community and had said very little. No one really knew me, yet, so I really had the power of complete anonymity. I can't really remember what twisted form of logic lead me to the decision anymore, but I do know I made the decision pretty quick... too quickly. I wanted someone like Savarian on these boards and no one showed up. So, I became her. When I did that I never imagined I would become so involved with group of people that I would consider more than anonymous bodies that typed about games. All I really foresaw was post about games and the occasional chance to slap someone down for being an idiot about who games are for or what women were like. Over time I guess I became a recognizable face on the boards and some of you started to talk to me in things beyond IGN. Not wanting to break my illusion or realizing that our conversations would actually start to mean something, I stayed quiet about who I really was. It didn't take long for me to realize my own shortsightedness and came to see that those of you who were talking to me were really good people. I wanted to be myself, but I wanted to be able to keep talking to you all. I feared telling my secret would knock me back and I'd be forced to loose what friendships we had. This, of course, only got worse and worse as we all started to come together as a full on group. Eventually, I just decided I’d live as Savarian. I came up with some personal ground rules... mostly how exactly I could be in contact with others. The major one was that I could never do anything involving voice (I’m still not fond of the idea in most games anyways), but I also that I could never meet any of you. At this point I figured a lie that, at the time, wasn’t hurting anyone would be better than a big dramatic revelation and me getting cut out of the group. Something has changed recently. Now I'm not completely afraid of the consequences and I'm willing to accept whatever comes of me telling you all who I really am. That means that a big dramatic revelation is in order. So, first off, I’m sorry. At this point I know I took the decision to become Savarian too lightly and more or less regret starting it in the first place. However, I’m not sorry for the time that I was able to be her. A large part of me thinks that I’m still here because of her and I’m thankful for that. That’s not to say that you are all too shallow to let me in simply because I was a girl. It’s that I’m just happy that I’ve been able to be with you all and I was Savarian at the time. Over the past years I’ve come to think of you all as good friends. You’re all people I trust and enjoy being around in the capacity that we can be around each other. By lying about who I was violated that trust every time I talked to you. I'd be lying if I said I always felt guilty about it, but I did often and now that I'm here typing this I feel pretty awful. I should probably explain who Savarian actually is. When I think of Savarian in my head I basically think of myself, but as a girl. I did my best to remain myself in every way possible and only became a woman when necessary. That is, only when I had to talk about something that would necessarily be different because of sex. Even then, I tried my hardest to put my own stamp on it. She was not so much a character I was playing, but more of me looking at the world from a slightly different perspective. That way it was easier to keep track of stuff without forcing myself into a bigger web of lies, but also because I was able to be myself to a greater capacity. I've also had an accomplice throughout the past six years, although she's not to be held accountable for this. You see, Aimee is my girlfriend of several years and essentially my wife at this point. Whenever I talked about Matt, I was really talking about Aimee. I just changed the name and sex but kept the personality the same, again. She helped me with feminine stuff I might not have known in order to fill the cracks, at least initially. As I did this longer I got better at it and was able to do things with less input from her. The image of who Savarian became more clear in my head and I needed her less and less. I suppose on some level you could say Savarian was initially a melding of our two personalities, but now it's solely my realm and it really didn't take long for that to happen. Which is part of the problem and a big part of my decision to reveal myself now. I had to train myself to stay in character and I've realized it's gone too far in my head. Now, whenever I do anything that might relate to Savarian my mind switches over to “Sav Mode,” for lack of a better term. During that time I’m her for all intents and purposes. Aimee becomes Matt, and I do whatever I’m doing through Sav's eyes. It’s probably not as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s enough to unnerve me a little. I’ve created a second personality in my head and while the personality essentially is the same, the fact that it is a second personality worries me. A few times I've done things that would relate to Sav Mode, but would be doing them with people who aren't involved with the illusion and have to consciously keep myself talking as Matt. It was rare and the major occasion happened when I decided to reveal myself to you, but it's there. I’ve decided I need to purge Savarian from my mind and I’m going to do it on several levels. That is, beyond simply not being her anymore, I'm going to remove myself from her name. The process will take some time since I used Savarian for pretty much everything, but I've already started the transition. That's pretty much the explanation of the new user name. Sirean has generally been the name I'd use with stuff that I'd use and didn't want to be linked to Savarian. In reality I've barely used it, but it is a pen name I always had in the back of my head for stuff. I like it and I actually made it when I made Savarian.... it's still me. The Syan part remains. It's a little symbolic and such, so I think it's fitting. In purging myself from the name I’d also kind of like to make Savarian something of a separate person and me, as my own self, a new person. What I don’t want to do is invalidate any history you might have with Savarian, make you feel like you wasted your time, or something similar. I deceived you; Savarian had some good times with you. If you’re capable of separating the two in your minds, be angry with me and just remember Savarian from the time you spent with her. I'd much rather you all hate me with every fiber in your bodies and remember times with Savarian fondly then simply just being angry with me. I’m of the belief that there’s nothing I’ll be able to do for you all in order to actually make amends for this and I’m also thinking my continued presence would cause strife among the community. You’re a small enough group as it is and you don’t need anything to split things apart. The only way I think I can help the situation is to exile myself and be gone from the boards. I’d hate to be here as the guy who’s outstayed his welcome or, worse yet, be here only to spoil what good memories you might have of Savarian. So, I’m gone and I imagine for good. I can’t allow myself to come back if it'll cause trouble, even if it's just one of you. Savarian has a place here, not me and I basically just took your friend from you. Know I’m deeply sorry for pulling the wool over your eyes for so long and I apologize for whatever you have to work out after learning this. It's been a hard decision to make, but I simply can’t allow myself to benefits of being a member of the community anymore at the possible expense of any of you. I have to just up and walk away. My intention is to post this up, log out, and never log back in. Odds are I'll lurk for some time, but I won't be saying anything further on the boards. You’re all great people and I’m very happy to have been a part of this for so long. When I first started doing this I never could have dreamed I’d become part of something that really is special. You all have created something here that defies all the rules created by Internet communities… I’m pissed at myself that my actions have lowered the board closer to the state of so many other places, but I hope you can continue on after this (and you most likely will). If I had the right to make something of a final request, it’d be that you all keep going and keep this together. The name will change, I’m sure, people will come and go, I’m sure, but something of this needs to remain simply as an example a good thing. Each of you has added to my life in pretty amazing ways. I suppose I could do one of those individual “shout out” things, but I've always been bothered by those so I won't. You all have your roles and I suspect that you're all pretty aware of them. I just hope you know how special that really is. If any of you would like to keep in contact with me, want to ask me something, or would simply like to call me scum, you’re more than welcome to. I’ve set up a new email address and MSN Messenger account. You can get to me through either of them. Since I don't intend to log in I won't be able to see PMs. Email: xxxxxx@gmail.com MSN: xxxxxx@hotmail.com Thanks for all the times. Again, I'm sorry that I have to drop this bomb on you, but it needs to happen and you all deserve to get the truth. Maybe I'll talk to some of you again, but I'm assuming I won't... take care. |
| QUOTE (STALIN @ Dec 21 2005, 08:33 PM) |
| My opinion. Get over it. Its an online forum..and a fake person you would play video games with..big deal. Just goes to show, that that hott chick you cybered with last night, was probably some 500 pound man. |
| QUOTE (STALIN @ Dec 24 2005, 07:58 PM) |
| That playing video games would seem kinda fishy to me. |
| QUOTE (STALIN @ Dec 21 2005, 09:33 PM) |
| My opinion. Get over it. Its an online forum..and a fake person you would play video games with..big deal. Just goes to show, that that hott chick you cybered with last night, was probably some 500 pound man. |