If you read the old version, I left Kai, Roxas, and Naminé with their new trainer Sai. I also took things into consideration and decided to revamp the story by casting everthing away and creating a whole new story that makes more sense to Kh players. Kai still remains but I also created new enemies called the Lost Souls and The Forgotten. So read, rate, and enjoy!

Chapter One: Beyond the Looking Glass

Kai ran down the alleyways of Dusk City. His footsteps pounded on the pavement to the beat of his heart. He quickly looked back and saw something chasing him. He looked ahead and turned into a deserted street. He ran up the street and then turned down another alley before stopping at a chainlink fence. He turned around. The creature was so close to him he could smell the foul breath. He knew this was the end."No please, go away...please go away..." he pleaded
Kai rolled over and fell out of bed. "Oww." he said rubbing his head. He skook his head to wake up.
"Woah, that dream felt so real. What was that thing..." Kai shook his head again before getting up. He got dressed in his gray sleeveless hoody with chains on the front and white baggy jeans. He slipped on his white sneakers and put on his watch and chain belt and headed downstairs. He walked out into the warm sunshine and headed for the market square. He passed many of the various shops before turning into a small shop. Kai walked up to the counter. "Hey hows busniuess Aeris?"
"Good." Aeris repiled with a smile on her face. She pick up a tray and headed to a table.
"So where's Vaan and Vida?" Kai asked.
"Vaan should have been here hours ago and Vida is where she always is." Aeris said clearing a table. Kai walked out of the shop and down a road. He saw a girl about his age sitting behind a stand selling fruits and flowers.
"Hey Vida!" He calld out. Vida turned and looked at him a minute before letting out a happy squeal. She rushed over and wrapped her arms around his neck. Kai hugged her for a few seconds before releasing. Her brown hair fell over one brown doe-like eye. Kai had to admit Vida was very pretty. But he couldn't say that. Vaan would make fun of him nonstop. So Kai silently praised her beauty.
"Kai lets go see Vaan." Vida said. Kai nooded and they both walked back to the cafe. Behind them, a man in a white cloak watched them.
"Almost time...Almost time..."

now post your views!!!!

Personally, I don't like it when cameos already know originals, especially three of them? But I like your writing style thus far.
7/10

Also...don't demand reviews.

If you are talking about Vida, I made that character up. If there is a Vida in FF, that is one freaky conicidance

Kai walked back with Vida to Aeris's Cafe. Kai saw Vaan already behind the counter.
"Hey Vaan! Where were you?" Kai asked.
"I was signing us up for a Struggle tourney. First prize is 500 munny. You intersted?" Vaan said daringly.
"You already signed me up so yea. Vida, you're going to root for me right?" Kai asked hopfully. Vida stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.
"Of course I will." Vida said before turning to Vaan, "And Vaan? Are you ever going to wear a shirt? The vest is kinda weird."
"Hey I like my vest. It makes me look cool." Vaan laughed. Kai walked out of the cafe and into the market. He browsed the market for something to buy. He was examining an old toy boat when a gold Looking glass caught his eye. It was a brilliant gold that shined like a star. Kai picked it up and examined it.
"Hey how much for this?" He asked the shopkeep.
"For you? Free.Said the man in a white cloak...

Okay, time for some serious reviewing. I may seem harsh at some points, but that's how I review.

Let's first look at the July entry.

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To many uses of the word He. Try using the characters' name a bit more, or you could sub out he for a less common word that still addresses the characters' gender.

Break up the whole thing a bit. I like that you don't have the characters share the same line when speaking, however try breaking up the paragraphs at various points. It's easier on the eyes.

Longer and much more detail is needed. This will be further addressed a bit later on.

Let's say someone who doesn't know anything about KH reads this, how will they know the difference between the copyrighted characters and your own characters? Always describe a character when they make their first appearance, even if most people know all about that character. It increases the length of the story, provides detail and lets the newbie readers know who is who. Reguardless of how you go about it, this one is a MUST DO.

Grammar and spellcheck. There's no so many spelling errors as there are grammar errors. Re-read the whole thing out loud before you decide to post it anyplace, generally you'll catch around 3-5 things you missed. Also you can try to get someone with more experence to Beta Read it before you post, and they'll point out areas to be corrected or fixed. Beta reading isn't required, but I know from personal experence that is helps alot.

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The Sept 4th entry.

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Okay, make it alot longer. If you can't come out with at least 2-5 pages typed of new material for a chapter, don't post it. It breaks up the story and turns away readers. It's different if a chapter is told in two or more parts, and in those cases shortness is okay. Though it should still be at least 2 pages typed per part. So if it's a three-parter then you want a total of 6-7 pages for the whole chapter. I understand that it's not easy to write that much for some, however don't rush to get a chapter out. I know people who have taken a few months to complete a chapter, and it's well worth the wait usually. Don't throw out a half page and call it a chapter, plain and simple.

All other suggestions apply here, some in greater value than others.

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