You know, I really didn’t want to write this article. Everything had been all nice and final when I left. I wrapped it up with a farewell topic; I had exactly 42 columns (a number that doesn’t seem tidy, but which has a special meaning that should be evident). I no longer had to do any work on Sundays.

So why am I starting this whole debacle again?

Well, first of all, I had a folder full of unfinished articles. You might think that all of my articles were last-minute affairs based on last-minute ideas, but that’s only half true. Sure, most of them were written the afternoon I posted them, but the inspiration had been stewing for quite a while. That’s part of the reason I’m starting to write again. The other is that I need something to do, but that one’s a lie. So, really, why?

I just feel like it.

I hope you enjoy the new, better Grondy’s Column, complete with better writing, better coding, and occasional illustrations. Besides that, we also have a new home, the LUE forum, which has always been more fitting but by sheer habit I’ve kept my columns out of.

Without further ado, number 1 of Grondy’s Column v. 2.0, Titanium Chef!

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<p><dd> I have a confession to make. I enjoy cooking.</p>

<p><dd> … anybody who laughs will receive a swift punch in the face. Swift, but painful.</p>

<p><dd> I’m not implying that I’m good at cooking. Sure, I can cook some scrambled eggs, some basic dishes, that kind of stuff. I can even bake cookies (bad ones). However, if you locked me in a house with a fully stocked refrigerator and a kitchen I’d still be dead within three weeks, either of starvation or of cholesterol poisoning from too many scrambled eggs. </p>

<p><dd>If I’m such an amateur, then, why do I like it? What is it about cooking that’s so enjoyable? It’s not the snobby French chefs with their pathetically exclusive <i>academies de cuisine</i> and their <i>haute couture</i>. It’s not the vaguely suspicious television infomercials peddling ovens, grills, and all sorts of unnecessary equipment. It’s definitely not the prospect of wearing an apron professionally, as sexy as it may look on one such as me.</p>

<p><img border="0" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v207/Grondring/Grondy%20Column/gc2-1.jpg" align="right"><dd>No, it’s something else. It’s the smell of cooking, the sweet heat of baking and the sharp tang of frying. It’s the sight of bags of raw materials and then the sight of plates piled full of dishes crafted together and beautifully arranged from those raw materials by your own hand. It’s the beauty of creation, even if you’re only creating slightly overcooked eggs. (Though with a dash of hot peppers they’re pretty good, no matter how overcooked they may be.)</p>

<p><dd>I first learned how to cook scrambled eggs from watching my parents make them; all my other “recipes” are improvised and completely dependent on whatever happens to be in the fridge at the moment. Using preset recipes developed and recorded by crotchety old chefs and enterprising stay-at-home moms doesn’t appeal to me. Besides, constantly measuring out amounts of materials “cramps my style,” so to speak. </p>

<p><dd>Improvising recipes is the best part about cooking. It’s the difference between a pile of disgusting leftovers and a brand new dish, never before seen on this planet. It’s the knowledge that you wrought this difference with your own wit and your own ingeniousness.
</p>

<p><dd>Baking is the same. Sometimes I wonder, who was the first enterprising human who stuck together a bunch of floury batter and wondered what would happen if he (or she, don’t want to be sexist here) stuck it in an oven. Or whatever passed for ovens at the time. He (or she) must have been amazed to see the gloopy crap turn into a delectable plate of baked goods. </p>

<p><dd>The magic of cooking is the magic of transformation. It’s the power that comes from all transitions, whether it’s as violent and brutal as, say, the French Revolution or as slow as aging. It’s the feeling of being able to change the world, even if that change is making a bowl of batter into a soufflé. </p>

<p><dd>But of course, how can we talk about cooking without talking about its twin, eating? What cooking makes, eating consumes. Eating, it seems, is the antithesis of cooking. Eating is cooking’s archrival, its nemesis, who seeks to undo all the beauty cooking creates and change it to a ball of chunky bolus working its way down your esophagus. </p>

<p><dd>You might think, logically, that I hate people who eat my food, since they’re destroying my hard work. To some extent it’s true, especially if I’ve just cooked something particularly beautiful. But I don’t. Oh, I hate them if they’re nasty about it and say it sucks, as I do anybody who’s particularly nasty or uncivil. If they seem to be content or happy about it, though, and eat it in peace, then I, too, am generally content and happy.</p>

<p><dd>That’s because cooking is more than making something that looks pretty from a bunch of materials that don’t. Cooking is also making something that’s useful. Speaking from a utilitarian approach, what’s the point of something that just looks pretty? I could make a plastic model of scrambled eggs and it’d keep forever and look pretty, but it’d be totally useless. </p>

<p><dd>Cooking produces food. Food is meant to be eaten, and by being eaten becomes useful. Therefore, eating gives purpose to an otherwise purposeful art form. What happens to food that’s not eaten? It rots and becomes putrid, degenerating into disgusting ooze even less attractive that the raw materials used to cook it. Eating prevents this, and as a result is cooking’s complement, not its antithesis.</p>

<p><dd>Well, actually, I eat most of the food I cook, but never mind that. And no, it’s not because everyone else refuses it. I’m going to enter college in two years, and I always see myself as the guy who spends his time in the kitchen acting as cook for the entire dorm. </p>

<p><dd>So, looking over this article, I just realized I’ve written a lofty, philosophical article about cooking. It takes all kinds, huh? And I thought I was getting less wacky as I grew older.</p>

<br><dd>Until next week, then.
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Grondy titled this article in honor of his old friend and longtime article poster Axem Titanium, and as a spoof on the TV show, Iron Chef. But then, being the clever readers that you are, you already knew that, right?

Chef Grondy, eh?

I like cooking too, but I'm not so good. Maybe cause I can't waste the ingredients experimenting without being yelled at. :lol:

Grondy's back. Awesomeness.

EDIT: Being the clever reader I am, of course I knew that. Lol.

Make me a sammich!

=gives Luis a ham and swiss sandwich=

:P

I cook, too. :o I'm actually thinking of possibly pursuing a career in pastry making.

I had an ROP class with Culinary Arts, but the bus never got me there on time. I got kicked out after the class where we made crepes. ^^ That was fun.

I can cook. I cook burnt toast, melted eggs, Spegetti O's, and....... Um..... Bacon. And cereal.

Titanium Chef? I had no idea, being a non-clever reader.

I cook too, the only bad habit in it is I don't share. And trust me, I cook good. Any one like pasta with Romano sause, with parsely at the side?

A* student in Food Technology practical work here saying 'Good article!'

I wish I could cook. :"(

I actually sorta made soup on the hike though~!~!!! Except I forgot that I was supposed to let the contents of the packet of soup stay in the water for a while. Then I tried to lift it and spilt it all over myself. :/

But yeah. I totally got the Axem part. Never heard of "Iron Chef", though. :/

*laughs*

*runs*

Meh, anyways, my mom watches Iron Chef all the time it seems like. D:

Iron Chef's okay, I love watching Bobby Flay he's hot a great cook.

I cook ALOT, but I suck at cooking, but I can make a killer breakfast taco, >.<. The way I cook is, I put my favorite foods together, like yesterday, I had diced chicken breast, ham, and a big pot full of hash browns together, mixed it in a bowl, and topped it with cheese, it was surprisingly very good. I put it on my list of weird pznage food list, *looks at peanut butter, honey and chips sandwich*, yum :)

Preparing food from a packet is not cooking.

I can use the microwave. :)

Can you microwave food you've prepared, as a pose to packeted food?

I can microwave lots of stuff. :P

Microwave's okay depending on what your making xD

I used to have my hotdogs microwaved, then one day, I wrapped them in bacon, and just smacked them on a pan, I'll never go back to eating hotdogs the old way again :)

LEAVE MEH BACON ALONEH!

Iron Chef is cool. Iron Chef America sucks. :P

ROFL.

I've never heard of that idea before, but it sounds good. XD

'Tis pznage, my brother went a step further by deep-frying it, I'm not too sure about that though, and I'm not going to waste any bacon if I turn out not liking it xD

XD

Deep fried food is too oil-y-ish normally. D:

*mourns UB's brother's heart attack*

I can cook. Pretty well from what people tell me. The typical dominican stuff though. Rice, Beans, Chicken, Beef, Gizzards, Chicken Hearts, Steak, Liver, the works, and some pastas and such. I'm very experimental when I cook though. And I don't measure when I cook. That's ghey, it comes out better when you wing it, from my experience anyway. As a matter of fact, I added tomato sauce to my beans and gizzards today. It was good.

No one in my family has gotten a heart attack, and died from it up untill 7 generations before mine, our familt curse: Cancer, everyone who didn't died from non-natural causes died from cancer in my family in my current knowledge, no kidding (unless you count animals), we are a huge donater to the "find a cure for cancer" organizations, because we know we'll be running to them when it's our time >.<

Cancer is a natural cause.

Another good article grondy..I can fry chicken...Slap a lil ranch on it...mm..makin me want some now. I can also make Omlets...

Duh.

I love Iron Chef and I loved Axem, in a brotherly way of course.

I'll cook, it can be fun, but I'm not that talented. Actaully, I'm lazy. Too lazy to do what I should. For example, I should be doing summer homework, but I'm wasting my time on places like this. I like it that way. Of course, if I had no computer, tv, video games, or friends, I'd either read or cook. Read most likely, but I'll cook if nessesary.

Grondy, I wanna be the guy who cooks for the entire dorm.... That'd be fun, if my dorm had good people. If not, it would SUCK.