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| Even electrical outlets are so sexual. The side that has the two metal prongs sticking out of it is called the Male end, and the part with the slots that you slip the prongs into is called the Female end, and every time you connect your child's Sesame Street nightlight into an electrical outlet, you are training your kid to become a cockloving slut. Just saying. |
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| Now admitting that Facebook is the best thing since Hiroshima is kind of like saying that anything is the best thing since Hiroshima, because yeah, it's true that the A-bomb exploded and killed millions of people, but on the flip side, it looked pretty cool! What I'm saying that with all of the bad shit you normally associate with Facebook-like websites, there's a whole shitload of good things that make it all worthwhile. |
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| Okay, so imagine if you could put your own penis into your own asshole, you would create the world's first perpetual motion device, because your penis inside your asshole would feel rather nice, and so your asshole would tighten up and that would make your penis feel even better, so your asshole would tighten up even more and then your penis would feel even better and that would create the ultimate feedback loop of pleasure in your pants. You could make millions for creating the first perpetual motion device but you wouldn't even care because you would be feeling so good. |
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| Chapter 1: Animal fuckers Zoophilia is when you fuck an animal but bestiality is when you rape an animal. The key is consent. The easiest way to tell if consent is given is if the animal verbally says "Yes, I will have sex with you." Be wary that sex with a puppy, with or without consent, is considered statutory bestiality. Chapter 2: Why dolphins? Dolphins are the perfect mating creatures because they are highly intelligent, but not intelligent enough to know not to sleep with me. Chapter 3: How do I tell the difference between a male and a female dolphin? Penis. Chapter 4: How do I know if a dolphin wants to have sex with me? Male dolphins, much like male humans, get huge boners. Unlike most human males, however, dolphins can wrap their penises around objects and carry them around. This is called a prehensile penis and can come in handy (this is a double entendre as they say in France). Female dolphins, much like female humans, will roll belly up and expose their vagina to you. Chapter 5: What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me? Cordially accept its offer! A dolphin's penis looks like an S, which is the first letter of the word shotgun, which is no mere coincidence. Don't let the dolphin put it's penis in your butt, because the extreme force of the semen blasting out of the dolphin's love volcano can blow your brains out, much like a shotgun, except instead of buckshot it's fuckshot. They say dolphins can cum as far as 14 feet, which means given the marksmanship of a sniper, dolphins are able to impregnate females without them even knowing about it. As for females, choose either your hand or your weiner and stick it in her china. She can pick up your hand/weiner with her china, because that's what dolphins are best at. Picking things up with their genitals. Chapter 6: Can I get AIDs from a dolphin? No. At least I don't think so. I hope not. Shit. Oh, and be extra careful because the popo been trippin' ever since that Flipper shit. Chapter 7: Can I get a dolphin to let me masturbate it? Yeah! Except don't force it because then that's bestiality, and that's so totally wrong, man. Chapter 8: Where can I find a mate? Do not go to Seaworld. You sea with your eyes, not with your hands, or penis. About the Author I started fucking animals when I was 12, I fucked a 7 year old dolphin and now I am married to her. We are happily married with 12 children and 1 adopted Orca. |
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| I hope you've all brought your pink permission slips! Sexual Education was a pretty stupid class to take, partially because I was in the 8th grade at the time, but mostly because it taught me all the wrong things, teaching me the consequences of reckless teen sex, instead of how to get it. Now don't get me wrong, Sexual Education is a very important class to take. Everybody deserves a short nap in between classes, after all. Anyways, the first thing we learned in the class was what a penis was and all the scientific names for the parts. And it's weird because they have such difficult names sometimes. I mean vas deferens? Scrotum? Why couldn't they just call it jizz tube and ball holder? Probably because doctors wouldn't sound sophisticated enough saying stuff like "Sir, you have ball cancer. Yes sir, cancer of the balls." Plus "testicular cancer" sounds much more terrifying than "ball cancer" does anyways. It is also the only time in a class where I have heard a teacher say to a female student "Okay, now go make the penis erect." And she did. ...As in she rearranged a diagram of the penis so that it was indeed erect, you sickos. After learning about the penis, we learned about the vagina. Much like the section on penes (the correct plural form of the word penis, by the way), we learned about all the different parts of the vagina. There were tons of vocabulary words that we had to remember, but I forgot them all. The vagina is still very much a mystery to me. But probably not as much a mystery to me as it was to the guy who failed the class because he wrote "virginia" on the vagina quiz. We then learned about sexually transmitted diseases, like AIDs and genital crabs. Which leads me to wonder: is it possible to have just one AID, or to have a single genital crab? Sometimes I wish I could've wondered these things earlier. We learned that having sex is something that should only be done after marriage, and that having sex before marriage is like murdering your family and burying their carcasses in your backyard -- it's just something you don't do! All in all, despite being about sex, the class was about as pleasurable as grinding your penis down with a nail filer. As such, the end of the year was a time of much singing, dancing, and of course, The Miracle of Life. Now it's no question that life is a miracle. In fact, it's a miracle that some people are still alive considering how stupid they are. But this particular Miracle of Life does not pertain to stupid people and why they aren't dead. This Miracle of Life was a short documentary of a woman giving birth to a child. But luckily for us, by the time the teacher had turned on the television, the baby was already birthed, and our belief that babies come from storks was left untoppled. That's when she put the thing on rewind. Without turning off the television. Now keep in mind that this was probably the first time most of us had seen a vagina. How terrible must it have been for us seeing it swallowing a baby. It was the reverse of the Miracle of Life. It was the Miracle of Death. The death of the sexualities of every single child in that room that day. I guess it comes as no surprise as to why I think Sexual Education was a pretty stupid class to take. |