The Truth about Santa

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

A Merry Christmas to one and all!!

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That's HORRIBLE!

*runs and cries*

:"( I'm sorry, Kayoh!


Funny thing... I still believe in Sandy Claus.

Seen it. YEARS ago. Printed in some SPY Magazine or something like that...exact same article.

Sorryyyy. I've never seen it before...

Nooooooooo. Santas not dead....
*lalalalallalalalalalalala*

That was actually kind of funny.

Wow, I read the whole thing for that? xD

That's funny! I knew that Santa could not have given me a bike when I was five, but I never guessed this...

Wow.....that..........sucks......and not just a normal sucking, like sucking ass, huge ass, huge horse ass, HUGE HAIRY HORSE ASS, hell, make it reindeer ass :(

EDIT HAH! I SCREWED UP THE PAGE, now how the hell did I do it.... >_>

EDITO NUMBERO TWO..O:......Damn >_>

You didn't screw up the page, Phoenix did... now I'm trying to fix that.

Edit(now that I actually read the thingy): That is HILARIOUS.

BS! FUCKING BS! LIES!

Seriously. The chances that there are flying reindeer is nil with 3 billion species, let alone 300,000! I mean, the idea that you could have a mammal of that structure be able to fly is completely ridiculous. There's no reason a reindeer would undergo so many changes in both internal and external structure. They should look into bats instead.

Hmm... reindeer shaped bats. That is VERY interesting.

Actually, this whole article is invalid. You see, in the time of Santa Clause, the earth's population was much smaller, thus making it easier. But with the increase in population, I'm sure that Santa, to maximize efficiency, has hired a bunch of elves for the sole purpose of distributing the presents and houses. Santa's got how many years on him? There's no way he's so stupid as to believe he can hit all the houses w/o help

Obviously...

I thought he just magics himself everywhere, and the sleigh thing was just a front...

Santa does like everyone else. He hires tax free immigrants.

That's the greatest thing I have ever read in my life! Of course Santa Claus has to do a lot of hard work every year, like to build a knd of armour wich can resist any pressure and to buy new flying reindeers, 'cause rudolf stay blowing up every Xmas, but, why, I ask, WHY doesn't Santa give me anything?

Actually, Santa hires sweatshop workers to man the shops and sleighs nowadays. He worked all the elves to death.

Well, the burning up of the reindeers and the sleigh and such actually supplies enough ashes for the child population of the world. So you probably haven't noticed the ashes in your christmas stocking.

As a jew, I've always wanted some really minor hate crime to whine about and exaggerate on hanukkah. But I have yet to even get ashes, let alone a broken window.