Frankly, I'm a bit depressed.

I got a new computer, and thought I'd be happy as hell, my internet-life's going good, and the upgrade could only make it better. That was about 3 months ago, I look and see I've gone from playing maplestory for a week, and ditching it, only to see I haven't kept with any friends I've made, went back to runescape for a few weeks, same thing, playing WoW now, and it's again.

I can't tell if I just get randomly addicted to different games, and keep trying to move on or what, but... I'm not even sure, it just feels like there's a void in me. Since I was about 6 or 7, the internet was my whole life. I spent all my time on the computer, and loved every minute of it, played runescape for so long it's not even remotely funny (shoot me down, but I can pretty much defend the game, apart from any update past about december) and I've led clans since I was 9, not sure if I'm just used to leading alot of people, and using that as a way to gain relationships, but I recently (within the last year (and was still playing runescape by then)) I stopped leading clans, and just went about the normal solo routine that's in just about every MMO, just do your quests, level, team with people you've never met before for random group-needed stuff and etc. I tried doing random things and I just kinda drifted off to other things, and then got bored of it. FEW has also kept me busy, RPG was very addicting for me, I just love seeing how we all start off, no characters, countries with just 1 person in them, and within a month, the countries turn huge, and we're having wars all over the place. I'm also a bit upset that I joined in March 05, almost 3 years later, and through that time, we've had about... 5 wars that we actually finished.

INU got gunned down, Virgina Tech all over again, this one hit me a bit harder though, because my dad went there, and he spent almost this first 30 years or so of his life in Dekalb, and to see that sort of thing happened there, it just made me feel really bad for everyone there, and see how quickly and easily your life can end, on person gets a little ticked of, throw in a bit of mental problems, and you could be on your way to see a friend, GF/BF, hell, you could be in class, going to your next period, and someone can just throw a gun in your face, shoot you pointblank, you're dead on the ground, and they're already running off looking for someone else to kill. We all like to think we're invincible, but tens of thousands of people have already died from influenza in USA this year. Can you seriously believe that? Tens of fucking thousands, that's in just 1 country, we're only in the second month, and it's a freaking cold, it wouldn't even phase me that you could actually die from the flu, but people are dieing by the thousands from it, and nowhere's safe.
About a year ago, there's a jail in central america, there's 2 major gangs in this one country and one buys sacks loaded with weapons from THE JAILGUARDS, that part alone is insane, jailguards are selling weapons to these inmates, and let them run around shooting each other IN JAIL. So back to the story, they buy all these weapons from them right? The gang gets up one day, and right in the middle of the recreational time, they pull out gernades, guns, explosives, everything and just for a lack of a better term, pwns the other gang. So, the genocide's over, and they're done killing all of the other gang members, and they turn around, and shoot the guards, kill almost all of them. They blow down a wall, and they announce a prison escape, and they fucking sit there, right where the blew down the wall, and the gang shoots every fucking person that's not in their gang. All these inmates are injured/dead, and the gang just walks away like it's another day. What the fuck.
My school has a bad rep in our city, it's basically seen as the "gang school". Although we're trying to get rid of the rep, it's completely true. Just 2 days ago, I'm on my way to science class, and out of the corner of my eye, I see this group of hispanics, and they're all standing next to each other, and looking randomly at "certain" people, and I know most of them are in a gang. So I stop, and watch them for a bit, in seconds, I see 2 or 3 of them point at this group of blacks and they all look right at them. The black guys just happened to be walking in a group, and again, I know a few of them, and they're in a gang, and to give you some measure, there's about 10-15 of the hispanics, and around 5 of the blacks, so out of nowhere, the hispanics get up and rush at the black group, right in the middle of the school, and 2 of them pull out a pistol, and start just start unloading on these guys. There's nothing I could do, I'm defenseless, and it's not my personal business, one of the black guys died, haven't seen the other guys since.
January 17th, not sure why, but it's stuck in my head. It's around 6:30, we had just gotten out of the weight room for football, and a couple of us were leaving the main part of the school, to go to where we can get picked up at the street, we hang out there for a bit, and a kid named TJ, leaves aswell, he didn't stand out at first because alot of other people were leaving too, and he waves at us, and crosses the street, he goes to the sidewalk, and walk down for a bit. He heads near Target, and he's decently close to us, and if you look from where we were standing, you could see him, and right behind him is where the sidewalks goes down so the cars can drive through, and they have that little mini-concrete barricade, not sure what it's there for, but yeah, it's there, not sure what it's called, and so TJ's walking on, and he gets the mini-wall thing, and 3 guys pop out of nowhere, and jump the shit out of him. We don't notice it at first because we're looking the other way, and after a few seconds, we notice it, and naturally we're interested, but we just stand there and watch because we thought it's none of our business, and then out of nowhere, one of the guy speaks so quietly, it was almost a whisper and says "Oh shit... That's TJ..." Immediately, we all look up again, because he's been getting beat for almost a minute, and we all just say oh shit, and run after him, by the time that he had said that it's TJ, they 3 guys had gone up and ran off. It toke us that long to realize that it was TJ, and it's like we just stood there and ignored him while he got beat the crap out of like it didn't matter.
I've been in my fair share of fights, I've had to break up fights, I've had to join in race riots and all the stuff that happens, but never had I felt so useless and such an ass as then. A teammate of mine was getting beat up by these guys who had no reason to fight him, and I was surrounded by more then enough guys to easily take care of them, but we just stood there, doing nothing.
Looking at those 3 stories, it's amazing to believe that nowhere's safe. Walking down the streets alone, you're obviously not safe, but you're locked up in jail, you did something wrong, you know you did, you're trying to just forget about what you've done, do your time, and get out and do something productive with yourself, and then guys you've might have never even seen before gun you down. Jail's supposed to be the ultimate in correctional changing, and to have in the back of your mind that you can die in there at any moment is just crazy. School's not even safe... you're trying to get an education, learn to be a good citizen, and someone can end your life in the pull of a trigger. How freaking sick is that?

I logged in today, and see I haven't logged in since Jan 31, looked at my other forums, they're all about the same, most I haven't posted in about November, and pretty much everyone is also dead. I try to get back in forums, and see that so much has changed since I've actually been active there that it's hard to get back in the rhythm of it all.

So, forums died, the game that I basically grew up with, and introduced me to, quite literally, the world has killed itself (If you haven't kept tabs on items labeled "Games I don't give a damn about", Runescape has systematically tried to commit suicide the past... half a year almost.) I'm roaming around random games. I go from logging into MSN and getting bombarded by almost 25 PMs instantly to now, where if I every decide to actually go on, the only people I talk to is SmartChild :unsure:.



As far as IRL, I haven't been able to motivate myself to do damn near anything. Failing all my classes, got a project I need to do, that was due half a month ago, , haven't done anything socially in forever, honestly, the only reason I don't kill myself in school, is because I'm forced to stay alert in football, and coaches push us so hard, that afterwards, I'm too tired to even try to kill myself, can't wait for bootcamp starting monday.

I'm getting bored of typing now, and I lost track of what I was going to say when I made the topic, and forgot what I was gonna complain about just a minute ago. Not sure why I posted this, or what it was that I was going to post, but I just needed someone to be wannabe-emo to. I guess I'll post this anyways, but I don't really expect a response.

Anyways, if you have no life, and you want to read something that where I switch my train of thought faster then I can even type what goes through my head, I left it there, just a warning, it's honestly boring as hell, and I didn't even finish it. :rolleyes: .

As I mentioned in there, I've totally forgotten why the fuck I posted this, or what I was going to post, but I'm gonna post ~something~.

So, I'd just like to ask, how's everyone's life going, and I'd honestly like a long post, kinda like mine, hopefully you won't lose track when you post, just say what's going on, any random feelings you've had, anything else you'd like to mindlessly type about. :P

It feels like I haven't talked with any of you in damn near forever, I'd just like to know how everyone's been and whatnot, feel free to be as deep and open as you'd like, I'm more then willing to read your life story, but just to hear anything from anyone'd be nice :lol:

EDIT: I'd just like to note, that when I going to type that, I was feeling pretty depressed, just to get it out of my system, I feel great. If you want to post like a rant, then again, feel more then free to, I'd love to read your thoughts.

I'm top-tier in my engineering class. Me and 3 other guys. My life has been awesome since I got over Miamis death. Crac screwed me up pretty bad, and I talk like Ozzy Osbourne now and have a life to live of withdrawals coming at me at random times, but all in all my lifes been improving bit by bit. My girlfriend is going to marry when I graduate in two years. Rons in jail for thirteen years for trafficking of illigal drugs and possesion of illigal drugs. I beat Yiazmat of Final Fantasy 12. I still despise World of Warcraft. I've gotten into A Song of Fire and Ice by George R. R. Martin.

Thats me right now.

ha, I don't know what to say after reading something like that. I had so much and yet no experience with things like that. I lived in the Philippines for a year and a half, where I saw many things I didn't understand. I understand most of them now that I'm older, and I guess I'm just happy to have survived it. You see people living in desperation every day, those who sit on the side of the street and are kinder to you than those who actually have enough money to be kind. I've seen a building get set fire for seemingly no reason. I've had to dress like I had no money in certain areas, so that I wouldn't get beaten and robbed. Yet, while I lived there I felt something that nowhere else I have felt. I felt at home, I know it sounds weird, but I felt like I was at home. Philippinos are no doubt the nicest people you will every meet, but there are also those that are the most desperate you will ever meet.

I guess I'll bitch and moan a little too...

1. Girl I was gonna ask out on Valentine's Day got asked out by my friend who was gonna help me ask her, bastard.
2. Dad was home for 10 days from Kosovo where he's stationed (army). Just left for another 6 months.
3. D- in English, and C's in Chemistry and Math. Fun semester.

The first one is the only one that really has affected me, sadly. My dad's been overseas a few times before so this is just getting to be kinda normal. Grades, well, I got a few months to pull them up. Seriously though, my friend asked this girl out the day after I was going to, and I didn't because of him. Nobody in our group of friends really talks to this kid much besides me, but I have a feeling that's gonna change a little... What haven't said yet is that she turned him down, and her twin brother punched him in his eyebrow (he only has one, haha) 'cause he wouldn't leave her alone. Still, he pissed me off a little... A lot.

Ahahaha, asking me to write a long post about my life is... well, you'll probably regret it. To describe the biggest event in my life the past year takes about an hour face-to-face, let alone typing. Here's the summary, though:

So at the beginning of 2007, there was a guy in my grade named Matthew going out with my cousin, Leanne (2 years older, on mom's side). About midterms he started talking to me alot on MSN and we became good friends. Him and Leanne broke up early February and, apart from msg'ing me 90% of the time I was online on MSN, he started talking to me alot in school and stuff. The day before Valentines Day, we had a band concert to attend and he had no one to sit with, so I offered for him to sit with me. In the months proceeding that, he asked once or twice for me to tutor him in math at his house, but nothing happened. My best guy friend started saying Matthew probably liked me because "he was nice to me and an ass to everyone else". I ignored it, being idealistic and naive. Over Easter, he started asking me to hang out. Early May, I asked him to sit with me on the bus for Band Trip (5-6 day trip out of the province. Lots of bus rides) because I found out that I would be going after my friends had partners. He was practically attached to me then and held my hand on the bus and stuff. He asked me to sit with him on another bus-heavy trip at the end of May, on my birthday. After this, we started hanging out more and everyone in school was convinced we were going out, even though the most he did was hold my hand and hug me.

Once July hit, I stopped hearing from him as much. It worried me and I decided to just ask him if he liked me. When I did, in mid-July, he told me he didn't. When I pressed for details, he said that he liked hanging out with me but because Leanne was my cousin, nothing could ever happen. He ended up hooking up with my best guy friend's sister that same night.

So I went off to surgery a week after this, still upset. He msg'd me while I was in the hospital but, after I got out, I didn't hear from him at all in 6 weeks. During this time, I heard from Jacklyn (another cousin, dad's side) and my best guy friend that he had been hanging out with / hooking up with one of my best friends, Dayna. Once I finally saw him after 6 weeks, he started talking to me again as if nothing ever happened.

When school started, I was a wreck, almost physically sick every morning because I was scared to death he had dropped me for my best friend. I still liked him because I didn't really have closure; his actions and words didn't align. The 2nd/3rd weekend of school, I met him at a party where he slipped his arm around me for a bit, confusing me even more. The next night, I confronted him and found out that he did like me before but he just didn't want a relationship. So I was alright with that.

October comes and he ends up in a relationship with a 10th grader, all the while still flirting relentlessly with Dayna right in front of me. Needless to say, I wasn't pleased. Lies and going for my best friend aren't the way to get a girl to forgive you. I was so frustrated with him and how I felt about him that I started lashing out at every possible opportunity, to the point where everyone assumed I hated him. The relationship didn't last long, but still.

December came and he started asking me to hang out again, even though I was still being a bitch. He spent Christmas Eve with me and gave me a present (alcohol chocolates in an attempt to get me to drink, but still). He was drunk texting me New Year's Eve and told me he loved me, that he'd never let anything happen to me, and that he was sorry for everything. New Year's Day, I drove him home from the party and took care of him for 3 1/2 hours (ironically the amount of sleep I got because he was texting me).

January came and he stopped asking me to hang out again, abruptly, breaking plans we had previously made. Things started getting solved; he told me he really cared about Dayna and wouldn't hurt her, to forget everything he had told me New Year's. Later on, he became depressed and eventually told me why: he and Dayna had been hanging out for a long time and he really, really liked her but she suddenly decided to end it because he was going to university 4 provinces away. She currently ignores his very existence.

During this confession, he also admitted he had always liked me but, because of Leanne, had never tried to do anything. For some reason I'm not even sure of, I forgave him and began counseling him through the heartbreak, unintentionally piling him with the guilt that the only reason I was able to help him was because he had broken my heart. I went out of my way to make sure he didn't hurt as much as I did, because even if he had done all that to me... I don't think anyone deserves heartbreak.

He began to appreciate me. He began to appreciate that I'm not really a bitch and that despite everything that happened, I was the only one there for him. He became the sweetest guy I ever imagined, saying only my happiness mattered to him. He started telling me he liked me often, asking me to hang out again, etc. I fell for him all over again.

He now texts me constantly and bases his plans (which were non-existent before) on what I want, rather than what he wants. He kissed me last Friday and... I don't know. I'm still so confused about it. So... yeah. That's it. ... That's the short version. :/

School's alright though. Two of my friends got huge scholarships for university, and I'm extremely happy for them. I've been pretty happy lately, although my schedule keeps getting more and more hectic. Basketball's fun.

well, my life sounds boring up against all that. I mean, I always knew it was boring, but that was only compared to normal people hear-a-parts. not much death going on here, a bit of cancer here and there, but what can you do?

anyway, since you asked, even though nobody really knows or cares about me, I feel challenged. it makes it easier to be honest even. coupla warnings for you: first off, it won't be riveting. second, I might sound...well, emo, but trust me, I come by it honestly. I don't wear black on a general basis (blue jeans kinda guy, really), and I never leave my sweatshirt hood up indoors. I'm starting to ramble, so I'll just jump into the small print here

I really never talk about this kinda stuff out loud. I have to be online, up late and in the mood for it. if we ever met, we'd get along fine because that's who I am on the outside (yeah, sounding emo already, but I mean it) the beach party fanfic thing (which I do SO want to read the end of, even if the rest is all in fast forward, I want to know how long I'll last) wasn't far off. I am soft-spoken, if spoken at all.
moving right along. it all started out early. I suppose you could blame my parents, though I don't. I was raised to not complain, and I don't very often. it never was a problem until recently. I always just manage to be content with whatever happens. I'll terribly mellow, and nothing really hits me deep. I don't cry very often, not because I'm tough or working on my guy image, just because I can't manage to, and trust me, there have been times where I needed to and couldn't.
I've always been kind of a curve breaker. me and my best friend (I'm calling him G from here on out) both really, to slightly different extents. never drank, done any drugs or kissed, and I haven't even wanted to except for the last on occasion...anywho, I don't swear as a general rule, and it still bothers me somewhat when other people do. I yawned my way through high school with barely an effort, and ended up ranked 4th in my graduating class of 140-something. G's about the same, got 1st. anyway, me and G have been stuck together a lot. we basically made up the geek clique. in middle school, we didn't socialize a whole lot since we didn't fit in anywhere.
anyway, that was me until last year. quiet kid in the corner you'd sooner stop noticing than go say high to. I liked it that way. remember this, I thrived in obscurity. that lasted until last year. it started a little junior year too, but senior year definitely exploded it. I was pulled into the light. it's not that people never talked to be or anything, because they did. we just never had conversations or anything. last year everyone knew me, and I came to know everyone. it was nice. your stereotypical last year of high school with everyone bonding, blah blah blah. I'm not exaggerating when I say that year was the best of my life. and to skip ahead, this year is shaping up to be the worst. my general problem with life is that I'm afraid that last year will stay the best year of my life.
to give you some clue of my sudden popularity, I've got a small event in our tradition senior retreat. there was a time at the end for people to go in the middle of our circle of students and give a little speech. the people you'd expect to went up and said the things you'd expect them to, plus a few surprises. I don't know what possessed me to, but I got up. (public speaking scares me many times more than death) I walked to the middle slowly, no idea what to say. I can't remember exactly, but it was a stuttering mess of thank yous to everyone and how it's made me who I am, yadda yadda. it was pointed out to me (though I noticed already) several times that excluding the closing student speech, I was the only person applauded for. that was one of the rare things that did make me cry briefly. (boy I feel dumb, I'm glad nobody's going to read this)
it was a wonderful year, all good things, you know. we graduated and split apart. before last year, I always swore that I was a loner. I could live alone and not be bothered by it. now I'm living that. 3 other kids from my high school came here, but I never see them except in passing. middle of my second semester, and I haven't made a single friend. I'm not sure I've technically ever made a friend. that's not to say I don't have any friends, I'm just saying that there was no effort on my part. I can count the friends I do have here on one hand. I barely speak out loud anymore. it's fairly depressing.
now let's remember my perpetual state of content, and my thriving in obscurity. for the first time(not including short fits in younger years), I hate my life. there's a more that I'll go into in a sec. I now know what it feels to be known and not disliked by a good deal of people at once, and I may never have that again. I have very little in the way of social skills. I spend most days either online or doing assignments. I lack the motivation, the desire, the passion to do anything but. I don't 'party', and I don't want to, but there's not a whole lot of other choices, so I'm kinda stuck even if I had the gumption.
I'm still doing well without trying. I aced first semester without changing my 'study habits'. this semester, it's not working out so greatly, and as I predicted a long time ago to anyone wishing they were as 'smart' as me, it's catching up. I have no study skills. I'm fairly sure I could be diagnosed with ADD/ADHD if I cared to. I don't, I wouldn't use it as an excuse even if I was sure. having a laptop and wireless in class means I do any learning I do through assignments. I'd be panicking if I was the type.
ok then, here's the complications. I think I'd be messed up enough if that was all right there, but it gets worse. added to last year's excitement was my first girlfriend ("A" from here on out) A is the sister of a mutual friend of me and G's. G liked her for a long time (and does again, but that's not the story here). A always liked us both as friends, I only evne met her through G. I swear I didn't want to or mean to, but we kinda fell for each other. it basically started with long chess trips (oh yeah, we were all in chess club, yay dorks). you could say she made the first move when she fell asleep against me. I have no clue if it was intentional on her part (she leaned over after falling asleep and it was a really long ride). in any case, suffice it to say, I didn't do any sleeping on that ride home. from then on after we'd always sit together in chess or band (very dorks) bus rides.
by this point, G didn't care. he's smart and cool like that and I know he was sincere. he started going out with another girl, but that's a different story again. anyway, about this time last year (and I praise God above and the very heavens I don't remember the exact day, I have enough days marked in my memory...how's that for foreshadowing?) I finally, under the urgings of every mutual friend of mine and A's told her my feelings. she said the same, as she had to several people who'd told me. just because I knew didn't make it any easier for me to start. I'm shy like that.
so, during my already good year, I had cuddles and good times (I don't even know what the bases are of a normal relationship, but neither of us were the kind to even play that game). even longer story short, we both knew it wasn't going to last, but I thought we'd at least have the summer. she shocked me by breaking it off earlier than expected (7/13/2007, a friday the 13th, I'm a believer now). now, I'm generally a strictly logical person, but my feeling about that range from mournful regret to (and I'm not a violent person at all) wanting to go back and time and find Mr. "tis better to have loved and lost..." and bash his pathetic head in. him and Mr. "never regret something you once wanted". Otomo No Yakamochi pegged it for me when he said "better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there." since then, I've had horribly happy dreams that actually hit me like a punch to the stomach when I wake up from a realize that life is not that way.
I'm not mad at her at all, we're still friends. I just regret the whole dating incident. I was happy without knowing what a good cuddle felt like, but now I know and I know it'll at least be some time before I will have another, if ever. I think it's screwed me over for future relationships now too. the two possibilities since then haven't went well. one's a co-worker from my summer job that I like well enough, really, but liked me utterly. we'll probably never see each other in person again, but I pretty much broke her heart through e-mail and felt rotten about it. the other thing was an ordeal I went through with one of my high school friends in which I acted so retarded and awkward that I'm just grateful she talks to me anymore.
so, emo enough for you? if you want a little more, you can hit up my Allpoetry profile here:
http://allpoetry.com/LoZfan03
I've got 8, I think. a couple of them, I actually like. the rest are crap to me, emotional jumbles that ripped their way out of me, but people say they're good. I
dunno. I'm sick of being good at things without trying.

EDIT - gosh, look at that. all my problems in one little space. if only they were that little in actuality

Well, you guys make me feel like a jerk >.>.

I'll write one, but it has nowhere near as many problems as everyone else thus far. Only potential problem I'm seeing is that since this year is so good...well, read LoZ's post if you wanna know what I mean.

Life recently has been fine and dandy. I ownt the ACT, am still easily coasting through school with my 3.8 GPA, yadayadayada. The extent of my worries is such-scholarships. Despite good grades, I live in the middle of nowhere. And every scholarship I look at seems to be for someone active in the community. How can you be active in a comuunity where you are more than .05% of the population? That's right, less than 2000 people. Even worse, I'm an atheist in a town where every third public building is a church. Otherwise, the whole community thing would be easy enough. The reason I'm worried about scholarships is actually rather vain, I am sort of a college 'snob'. My main option are Ohio University and Ohio State University-I really do not want to attend OU. OSU has been a dream school since I was a child (though for different reasons-I had delusions of football grandeur as a child), and I still want to go there.

As for relationships, I'm friends with pretty much everyone in my grade, but this is nothing new to me-this comes from being a bandie and a geek, and having played football with most of the 'popular' clique in elementary. 'Closer' relationships, I have none, for the last thing I want is to get tied down here (The most common reason for a guy to get stuck here in Nowheresville is to get a girl pregnant and need a job). Life is peachy compared to you guys, and once again, I feel like a jerk >.>

There you go.

Hopefully I'll have enough time to rant about one thing or another before my dad comes up and bitches...

My life, socially, is rather dull. Earlier this month some friends and I went to the mall (how generic, right?).. mostly 'cause I wanted to know my bra size, and buy a few bras. It was only supposed to be a girl day, really. But one of my friends (Kelly) went behind our backs (Kali's and mine) and invited a boy that I completely despise. Granted, he is practically a girl, considering that he's gay... and if I was cool with him I wouldn't have minded. But I asked her why she always did that to me, and her lame excuse was "I forgot that you two hated eachother." She fucking FORGOT. In my head, I freaking screamed. How could someone forget something like that. Anyways, she only invited him so she could see him dress up in skirts and things... which, I don't even think that happened.
Home life is the same as always - my dad is an utter dick. I can't stand him and I can't wait until the day he dies. He always bugs me about looking for scholarships (I know he only means good with it, but I've told him my plans after high school, and he just won't accept anything... So I'm fucked.) This weekend I'm doing that Baby Think It Over project, so Friday and Saturday so far, I've kept myself in my room. I have a TV, and books, I can entertain myself for a while. While my baby was taking a nap though, I scooted onto the computer, and my dad comes up and bitches at me. "If you're not doing your homework then get off that fucking thing." I was bored, so I didn't really care, I got off and went back to my room. This was yesterday. Well, later yesterday night, I was just finishing reading a book... the TV was on too. My dad comes up and starts going on about some shit, he goes "I'm try to save money, and you're just throwing it away. Turn off that fucking TV; if you want to watch TV, then you can come downstairs and watch it with me." Problem is, he watches all the boring shit that I hate. So I turned off the TV, and kept reading...
School has been rather dramatic. First, I learned that there was a senior who'd gone missing for nearly two weeks. Her friends started looking for her, and they talked to her boyfriend; apparently he'd gotten pissy and told them to stop looking. Now why would you tell people to stop looking for someone? Especially your girlfriend... if of course you didn't have anything to do with it.
I haven't heard anything about her for awhile...
Then, now, apparently, there's another 18 year old missing. This time it's a male. I have no idea what the story is on that.
Then, last week, there's this girl named Amanda at the high school. Her parents had just settled a divorce or something, when Amanda's dad went to her mother's house, shot about six rounds, then went outside and blew his brains out. The mother is in intensive care. Poor Amanda...
In my AP Anatomy and Physiology class we started dissecting muscles in our cats this month. We started with the thorax (chest) muscles, then went onto some deep chest muscles. After that were the oblique, and then the forearm muscles. Fun stuff really. Seriously, the worst part about the whole thing is the smell. I can't wait to get inside the body cavity - it's more interesting in there. Oh, as for the muscles, we have to memorize these:
Thorax
-Pectoantebrachialis
-Pectoralis Major
-Pectoralis Minor
-Xiphihumoralis
-Clavobrachialis
Deep Chest
-Serratus Ventralis
-Transverse Costarum
-Scalenus
-Subscapularis
Abdomin
-External Oblique
-Internal Oblique
-Transversus Abdominis
-Latissimus Dorsi
Lateral Forearm
-Brachioradialis
-Extensor Carpi Radialis
-Extensor Digitorum Communis
-Extensor Digitorum Lateralis
-Extensor Carpi Ulnaris
Medial Forearm
-Brachioradialis
-Extensor Carpi Radialis
-Pronator Teres
-Flexor Carpi Radialis
-Palmaris Longus

There's several I can't remember without looking at the name and it's pissing me off; "Latissimus Dorsi" is one of them.
Anyways... Oh. The Friday before last, I went to the Roll Arena with several friends. Fun stuff, really. I haven't been there since about sixth grade. When I went then, I was terrified of roller blading/skating 'cause the floor was so slippery. Well, it was better this time. So, all of us where off at one side, right.. Lindsey was talking to either Sylvia or Alexis, well... Will comes up behind her (Lindsey) and just pokes the back of her knee. She comes crashing down... and the next day, we find out, that it sprained her ankle. (And at this time, she had a cast on her arm 'cause she'd broken her hand a few weeks prior.) The poor girl. She's such a danger to herself - she's always getting hurt.
...I'm done ranting now, I suppose. Was that good enough for you? I know it's not all that interesting... but hell...

dead board, bored LoZfan, LoZfan post

this isn't technically new, but it's further than the first one

ok, so I'm going to college about an hour away from home. far enough that I only go back once or twice a month. anyway, back there is a girl I rather like. two years younger, so she's still in high school. in the past few months, I've just been confused and depressed about it. on the one hand, we're good friends and I wouldn't want to disturb that (as I already have once and don't desire to repeat even slightly). also, she has at various times expressed disapproval of people in high school relationships. on the other hand, I really do like her more than friends, and there's multitudes of little actions and phrasings that make me at least curious if she likes me too.
going back a forth, I'm either dead certain there's nothing more there and I should just drop the feelings (not that I've ever actually managed to) or right on the verge of talking to her about it. it seems like whenever I'm leaning one way, there's hints for the other. it's all very confusing, and the saddest part is it doesn't matter. I can't imagine it going anywhere with me not around all the time. very depressing and stuff, but the simple solution (leaving us as friends and just stop thinking about anything more) hasn't worked at all yet.
anyway, whether or not you checked out my AP page, I'll copy/paste one of them here that I wrote on this very subject. I think it's my favorite of mine. it expresses everything shortly, conveys a piece of what I'm feeling and is technically pretty solid.

Wondering Aloud:
How will you know?
(if I never tell you)
Would you believe it?
(I highly doubt)
Why do I bother?
(I haven't a clue)
What does it matter?
(it'd never work out)

Loz, when we're both 21, I'm gonna find you and drink to that poem.


Cheers in advance.