Hi, folks! Time for this week’s article! Would you believe it, I’m actually being… not… lazy… and writing this article early. On FRIDAY! Imagine that. Two days early. Huh. I must be starting to slack off on my slacking off.
Today’s article is probably going to be on a rather unexpected topic…
[Mad Mod: No it’s not. Subject’s in the topic title, remember?]
Oh… right… Crud. There goes my chance to build up suspense. Ah well. Today will be a review of Fire Emblem. Many kudos go to Durendal for this idea, which also got my creative engine revved up. After I finish this one I’ve still got three more subjects…
However, I’ll follow Durendal’s idea and make this review similar to my one on Sephiroth. (By the way, I’m rather surprised I didn’t get more death threats than I did about that one. Maybe I’m better at being greasily respectful than I thought.) I’ll ring up a quick summary of Fire Emblem and then drag some people up from my imagination to discuss it.
Here goes, then. Ahem. =in resonant, dramatic voice= Here follows an epic review of Fire Emblem 7, the Blazing Sword!
All right. In the beginning, there were humans. And dragons. And they were all happy living peacefully together because they all watched Barney. Then the humans broke the dragons’ TV’s, so the dragons got pissed that they missed their episodes of Barney and started attacking the humans.
The dragons were beating the snot out of the humans because the dragons were big and powerful and could breathe fire and the humans were small and puny and tried to hit the dragons with sticks. (Also because the humans weren’t good fighters because they were still watching Barney.) Then the dragons attacked a power plant, and a bunch of humans lost power to their TV’s and stopped watching Barney. They got mad, so they made bigger sticks and started smacking the dragons upside the head with them. Long story short, the dragons ran away to another dimension and sulked because the reception was horrible there and Barney was just a purple blur.
After that, the remaining humans finally got sick of Barney and set about actually doing something. They formed a bunch of countries, most important of which (at least to us) was the League of Lycia.
A long bit later, Lord Elbert, the Marquess of the province Pherae in Lycia, went for a stroll and didn’t come back. So, the mean bandits came and tried to hurt the Pheraens, but Elbert’s son Eliwood and his soldiers took out their weapons and beat them repeatedly over the head. After that they meet up with Lyn and Hector, two people who are sadly not featured as THE main character but as supporting characters. The main character, Eliwood, bumbles around incompetently for a few battles before stumbling upon a sinister plot to bring dragons back into the world. The plot smacks Eliwood around for a while before the player finally gets his butt into gear and promotes him into a Knight Lord, after which he still gets his armored buns repeatedly handed to him. This continues until the player gives up in frustration and throws the cartridge into a river, or uses all the people who are actually good to beat the game, whichever comes first.
That’s about it. I left out the last part because I didn’t want to spoil the story for – ah hell, who am I kidding? You all know the story anyway. I left out the last part because I was lazy. (By the way, the fact that everyone already knows the story is also my justification for adding all that ridiculous baloney about Barney. I apologize to any Barney fans. I’m sorry for offending you by pointing out Barney’s stupidity. I hope you’ll forgive me.)
So then, now for the reviewing part. I know that I left out most of the actual gaming parts in my summary, but that would have been a pretty boring summary then. My commentators, though, will talk about the gameplay as well as the story.
Who, then, are my commentators? Well, first I considered creating new ones, but that would require WORK, and y’all know my attitude toward that, right? So, say hello to Bing and Bob again!
Bing and Bob: Murg.
Say hello back or I’ll toss you back into my mind.
Bing and Bob: Hello! We love you! Please stop Grondring from hurting us!
Much better. Now, at first I was going to make Bob the hater and Bing the lover, just like last time, but then I figured, hey, I should be fair. Practically everybody already hates Bob already because he put down Sephiroth; what’ll it be like if I have him dislike Fire Emblem, on which this whole site is based? I shudder to think of it.
Bob: I love Fire Emblem. It’s a great game.
Bing: Fire Emblem is horrible! All copies of Fire Emblem should be melted down and turned into a toilet!
All right. Bob can go first.
Bob: Thanks, Grondy. First, Fire Emblem has a profound story. It’s the seventh in a long line of games of epic scale. Its story can either be taken lightly as backstory for the gameplay or it could be taken as a literary work full of masterful subtleties. Emotions vary from inestimable sadness (when Ninian dies) to righteous anger (during the final battle with Nergal).
The story is magnificent not only in its literary quality but also in its detail. I mean, seriously. There are literally thousands of supports one can have and dozens of special endings! Grondring played the game EIGHT times and only got about 70% of the supports! If that’s not completeness, I don’t know what is.
Then there’s the gameplay. There’s a reason there’s seven games in this series, guys. If you’ve played some of the previous ones, you’ll see that the gameplay has stayed relatively the same. That’s because it’s simply awesome! It’s really easy to start, but to truly be a master you’ve got to work hard at it. I know practically every game claims that, but for Fire Emblem it’s actually true. Take Fire Emblem’s main competitor for strategy RPG’s, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. The first time I played it, I honestly thought, “geez? How the hell do I work this thing?” Have you SEEN those screens? They’re packed full of numbers and junk, many of which are in the hundreds. I think there’s a reason all the good Final Fantasy players in my grade do well in math…
But really, Fire Emblem starts out very easy and simple. The learning curve is great, beginning with cake chapters, then slowly introduces more advanced concepts. The last few chapters are incredibly difficult (can you say “Water Temple” or “survive a billion waves of enemies in Chapter 30?"). Thus, even a complete dunce can enjoy the challenges of Fire Emblem.
The gameplay has a fair amount of depth too. It doesn’t have the billions of different items and weapons games like Final Fantasy does, but in my opinion that’s a good thing. Anyone who has time to master all those items is probably either one of those math geniuses I mentioned previously (A.T., I’m looking at you, ya nerd) or a hobo who has nothing better to do than sit on the street, play video games, and beg for batteries.
All right, I’m done. BEAT THAT, BING!
Bing: Maybe I will. Nyeh. Anyway, on to the point. I don’t know what’s up with you, Bob, but Fire Emblem absolutely SUCKS! What do you see in that piece of crap? I could go on and on, but Grondring doesn’t pay me to rant. Actually, he doesn’t pay me at all, but he hurts me if I rant. I guess you could say not being hurt is my payment.
Ahem. Back to the issue at hand. Fire Emblem has an incredible over–clichéd story. Wow. Bad guy using a diabolic plot to take over the world. Real fresh there, pal. Reeeal fresh. It’s so fresh I can almost taste the mold. Yup. Fresh. Freshie fresh fresh. As fresh as a–
Bob: I GET THE POINT ALREADY! GET ON WITH IT!
Bing: Right. As I was saying, what you take as detail in the story I see as the developers having way too much time on their hands. Seriously, most people don’t even KNOW how to get supports, so what’s so great about having thousands of them?
As for the gameplay… ah, man, don’t let me get started on that.
Bob: Okay, I won’t. =takes out chainsaw=
Bing: I was joking! Anyway, Fire Emblem’s gameplay is redundant and boring. Take Final Fantasy, for instance, the depth of Final Fantasy is incredible compared to Fire Emblem’s. Countless worlds to explore, countless weapons to unlock… in contrast to Fire Emblem’s brutally single minded chapters. Thirty plus missions and the gameplay hardly deviates at all. Ridiculous.
As for the learning curve… ah, well, I have to admit it does have a pretty good transition from easy to medium to difficult. That, however, should be expected in a game and not lauded! (“Lauded” means praised, for all you id–I mean, people out there.)
Right then. Back to you, Bob.
Bob: Thank you, Bing. That’s a fine argument you’ve put up. I almost feel sorry CRUSHING IT INTO TINY PIECES WITH MY OMNIPOTENT MIND! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Back on track. The fact is, Bing, that these days we’re so far into the field of literary works that practically every new story has similarities to tens of others before it, so your sarcasm–laden accusation of Fire Emblem’s not fresh–ness isn’t really a valid accusation at all. Most epic stories do consist of evil plots, after all. Who ever heard of a good plot to destroy the world? Someone locked in a mental asylum right now, that’s who.
What I’m trying to say is that practically every story is clichéd to some degree. Fire Emblem is actually relatively fresh compared to some other stories. It begins with a kid searching for his pop, and then turns into something a lot deeper. I’m not a scholar or a literary expert or an English teacher, but the themes in the story, such as the two sides of the quest for knowledge, and the Ninian/Eliwood thingy, are quite profound.
As for claiming the details are ridiculous and useless, the beauty of it that much of the detail is optional. You can just skim through the game and still enjoy the story, or you can replay it over and over again to plumb the depths of its secrets. It’s all up to you. None of it’s forced.
You’re completely wrong in regard to the redundant gameplay. Just because it’s not as insanely detailed as Final Fantasy doesn’t mean it’s redundant or bad. It just means that it’s not played exclusively by people who devote a month of their life to each game. And have you ever PLAYED the game? Because if you have, you’ll see that it deviates a lot. The creators have lots of interesting innovations, whether it be the Magic Seal or the shifting paths of the Water Temple or whatever else. Fire Emblem is deep enough to be fun to play but not deep enough that you’ll drown if you step in.
As for the learning curve point… I obviously won the argument there, but I’ll pursue it just a bit more. While they are expected, these days they are few and far between, and a game with a learning curve as solid as Fire Emblem’s is should be praised.
All right, Bing, your turn.
Bing: Crap. You’ve cornered me. I know nothing about literature. Fine. I’ll concede the point about the story being good.
As for the optional details… er… Crud. I think I’ll beat a strategic retreat and concede this one too.
Gameplay… Well, you just think Fire Emblem has good gameplay because you can’t handle Final Fantasy’s gameplay! That’s because you’re stupid! Stupid stupid stupid stupid! Hey stupid! Yeah, I’m talking to you! Stupid!
Bob: =stares at Bing for a second, then whaps him across the face with a glove= I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!
Bing: BRING IT ON, [censored]!
All right, all right, break it up, folks! Yeesh, you really hate each other, don’t you?
Bing and Bob: BACK OFF!!!
… what did you say? Grr… =throws them both back into my mind=
Ahem. Sorry there. I hope my avatars’ behavior didn’t upset you. Don’t worry, they are being adequately punished. The overall conclusion of this article, then, is that Fire Emblem is a great game and that if you think otherwise come to me and I’ll smack you upside the head until you agree with me. Until later, ciao!
Grondring is in his creative mood, so don’t mess with him. Now he has to go off and write more stuff before he tires and takes a nap. You can email him at grondring@hotmail.com.
Mad Mod is cruising along fine, mostly thanks to the new season of Teen Titans. He’s kinda pissed they delayed one episode for a Samurai Jack/Star Wars: Clone Wars marathon yesterday, but hey, he’ll live. You can reach him at madmod52@yahoo.com.
Axem Titanium is being very conceited in adding his name here by himself. He thinks Grondy makes too many typos that Mad Mod doesn't correct by himself, therefore forcing work onto his lazy rear. He wishes you to know that Grondy himself did not write this and it was in fact himself speaking about himself in the third person.
seeee? MY idea, and i liked it but jeez bob kicked bings <blocked> there, probably because you like fire emblem more then u hate it.