This article was originally supposed to be run last week, but, due to technical difficulties, it wasn't. The author would like to simply note that yesterday was a very eventful day in terms of TV shows: the last of the new Inuyasha episodes as well as the last Wolf's Rain ever aired, plus the first episode in the new season of Megas XLR and (Mad Mod made me mention this) the second Teen Titans episode featuring Mad Mod. Thank you for your attention, and enjoy the column.
Greetings, mortals. My infernal master informs me that it is the appropriate time for me to perform the dark ritual of writing this cycle's article. I am compelled to inquire on the subject of your well being. I myself am functioning perfectly, nourished by the evil fruits of my lord. His power shall clench the world in its implacable fist, and then you will all tremble before us!
Ahem. Okay, messed up gothic hello aside, it's time for this week's column. The general topic is government. Yeah, I just lost half my readership there. However, if they had bothered to read =counts= two sentences further, they'd find out I'm not talking about U.S. government or U.S. politics, but rather just a few concepts of different approaches to run an administration and more importantly different concepts of relationships with others. House leaders, take note.
The first category of government is the turtle. I'm basing all of these off of actual animals, just so you know. Turtles eat food, make poop, and generally mind their own business. Similarly, a turtle government sorta just sits there and takes care of itself, not really bothering the other nations until they decide the turtle has something it wants and all come to shoot it and take stuff from it. Simple enough. My letter rating for a turtle government is an F. Heck, an F-------. Turtle governments suck. They don't do anything.
The second category is the lake. Yeah, only one paragraph in and I'm already breaking my guidelines. I just couldn't find a better animal. A lake government stays neutral and is a lot like a turtle government, except it does have outside relationships as long as they're positive. Switzerland is an excellent example. The Swiss make themselves useful as well as live in a land where there's really nothing no one wants, and so everybody basically leaves them alone. Lakes get a C-. I just like more active approaches.
[AT's note: How about a fish? They pretty much mind their own (or school's) business unless they have a ton of crap that's trying to eat it.]
The spider is the third category. Spiders don't actively go after people without a good reason. They stay where they are, slowly spinning their webs and growing stronger and stronger, and then when they really need to, they lure a helpless fly into their net and then suck its bodily fluids. A spider government keeps well enough alone, but plans a lot and doesn't mind taking down a few people in order to advance itself. I give spiders a B-. I like carefully planned approaches, though they're not as aggressive as I would like.
Fourth is the rattlesnake. Rattlesnakes are left alone, mostly because they rattle and when they do you know if you poke them they'll bite you in the shin and you'll die a horrible, painful, poisonous death. When they're hungry, though, they will hunt you down and eat you. Rattlesnakes are thus a lot like spiders. The difference, though, is that rattlesnakes have some assurance that they won't be attacked. Spiders sorta just plot and hope nobody attacks them. Rattlesnakes have some trump card, something everybody knows of and does not want to risk. It might be, say, a nuclear bomb. All modern countries are to a certain extent rattlesnakes, or else a nuclear war would have erupted long ago. Basically, rattlesnakes can safely say, "If you attack me, I'll do something that you'll regret. I'll probably regret it too, but you'll regret it more, I promise." I give rattlesnakes a C+. Again, not active enough.
Fifth up is the scorpion. Ah, the scorpion. The scorpion's a really clever devil. A scorpion manipulates the strings until it knows it'll not only win if it'll attack its victim, it'll also survive if the victim's friends retaliate. Then it stings you and you die, much like the rattlesnake. Scorpions live for that moment, that one moment where you have one swift lightning strike of victory. They basically spend the rest of their lives building up for that. Scorpions are clever, fast, and strong. I absolutely adore scorpions. Scorpions get an A+++++++ from me.
Last is the rabid rhesus monkey. The R.R.M.'s, as I affectionately call them, are a short lived bunch of lunatics. A R.R.M. is mostly not determined by the government but by the current leader. If the current leader is a R.R.M, expect that leader to be short lived and very insane. R.R.M.'s do crazy insane stupid things really really fast, make people mad at them really really fast, and then get put down by animal control guys really really fast. On places like FE Wars a rabid rhesus monkey can come to power and then be deposed in like, a week. In real life it might even be shorter, depending on how far away the monkey is. Overall these types of governments are bad and unhealthy. They should be avoided as much as possible. I flunk the rhesus monkeys and send them back to kindergarten. They're not even worthy of a letter grade.
[AT's note: You mean like Hitler? Except that took like 10 years.]
So, which government type is best for FE Wars? Well, you know my personal
preference is scorpion, of course (in my mind, all you other houses are lucky I can't access the site because otherwise I would have beaten the snot out of y'all by now), but it really depends on your goal. If your goal is to prosper and have lots of members and be strong, then a turtle or lake government is actually a decent choice. Spider or rattlesnake is probably better, because they're a bit more active, but I'm just saying that turtles and lakes are actually viable. If your goal is to kill as many people as you can in as short a period of time, then rhesus monkey is the way to go. You'll die yourself very soon, but hey, if you reached your goal, isn't it worth it?
Well, that's about it for this week. I think my articles are getting less long winded simply because I'm not doing as many reviews and thus don't have to spout as many three page long summaries. Seriously, did you read my summary for the Inuyasha movie. Yeesh. I look back at that and shudder. What was it, like, a third of my actual piece? That's just scary. Join me next week when I talk about "stuff" but until then, see ya later, respirator.
Grondring feels great because he's getting back to slacking. He's got a huge test tomorrow which he's barely studying for but is still probably going to scrape by on. Ain't life grand? Email him at Grondring@hotmail.com to inform him of what a lazy maniac he is.
Mad Mod envies Grondring's position. He wishes he could scrape by on a test with little or no studying, but he would probably fail horribly. So it's back to the books for him, then. You can always get in touch with him at madmod52@yahoo.com.
Axem Titanium is forcibly inserting himself into the credits. He hopes Grondy doesn't mind his fixing all the damn typos Grondy keeps on making and the way too much effort he's putting into fixing them. In other news, Axem Titanium wants YOU to stone Grondy to death for quitting video games. Video gaming is not an addiction that can be cured and only YOU can teach Grondy that lesson. Axem Titanium is also happy that he just passed a week full of tests, has a four day weekend in two weeks and is desperately trying to finish his *secret* Halloween Costume.
it was interesting but i cant choose