Warning: very unfunny article today.

This article is devoted completely to writing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I so love writing. I love books. I love short stories. I love poems. I cherish each and every form of writing in this petty human world.

It warms my heart when I open a new book and waft in the crisp, wonderful smell. I feel joyous when I read the first tentative steps of a new author. It gives me great pleasure to uncap a pen and edit one of my own chapters.

So then, this article shall be on writing. It will be rather disjointed, for I’ve no real point in mind, but it’ll hopefully be interesting.

There are many types of ways humans express themselves. There’s music, which I sing decently but otherwise suck at. There’s art, at which I make Picasso turn in his grave. Then, of course, there’s writing, and that’s where I’ve caught the leprechaun.

You see, I love stories. I don’t care where they’re from; TV, books, radio, movies – if it’s got a good story, I’ll like it. Writing allows me to create my own stories. I can bring whole worlds into being with just my pen and my imagination. How frigging great is that?

There are two major categories of writing: commercial and private. Commercial writing is not made as art, but to be popular. Cheeseburgers, for example. Cheeseburgers are popular, but are they art? Hells no! A well cooked, well prepared steak is art. A cheeseburger, though – slap together a few things the public likes, and presto! Here comes the cash. Commercial writing’s just there to please the rabble.

Private writing is different. Private writing is crafted by the author to his or her personal ideals of perfection. Gundam Seed’s a good example. For a long time I thought it was pure crap because it didn’t have the typical loud noisy action and crude humor I was used to. Then, right about Nichol’s death, I thought, you know what? This is very deep and it’s actually pretty good. That’s what private writing is like – it’s not made to be popular at all.

What do I write? Well, mostly it’s a blend. I enjoy flexing my literary muscles by writing private work, but I also enjoy having a readership. So mostly what I do has a bit of commercial appeal and a bit of my own private touch. This particular article, for instance, is mainly a private piece. I don’t expect many people to read it and feel overjoyed.

What am I going to talk about next… Hmm, next is writing for a living. I can’t give incredibly accurate information, of course, since I’m not personally a fulltime writer, but that would be my dream job, and I’ve done quite a bit of research and analysis on the subject. So I feel relatively authorized to lay down some tips.

The first piece of advice is to start off part-time. Unless you’re a clone of Hemingway, the first few publishers you send your stuff to will hate you. In fact, they’ll probably hate you anyway. The point is you need an alternate income until you get something published, and then once you’ve got something under your belt already, it becomes easier to get more stuff going.

The second piece of advice is to read a lot. As someone very famous (but evidently not famous enough for me to remember his name) once said, you can’t run before you learn to walk. Do you think authors just have a natural talent for writing? Well, yes, but many still read to have a good solid base of experience, whether it be for grammar or storyline inspiration or names or whatever.

The third tip is to write a lot. This is pretty obvious. You can’t get better at stuff if you don’t practice. And NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES throw away something you’ve written! Even if it’s crappy! One day you might look at it and go, “Hey, there are good elements in here I can scavenge for my new story! Wow! Grondy does give good advice after all! I think I’ll send him some money!”

Fourth is to get married. Wives or husbands are one of God’s many gifts to writers. They can cheer you up after your manuscript is rejected for the 43rd time; they can give their opinions on your work; they can bake you cookies. The best thing would be having a spouse who’s in the writing industry. The coin’s still flipping on whether it would be better to be married to an editor or a publisher, but it’s probably an editor because an editor actually helps you improve your work .

Oh, and don’t go out and marry an 80 year old editor who’s a total jerk just because I said so. That’s plain stupid.

Tip five is simple: DON’T PANIC. Unless, of course, you didn’t follow tips one and four so you don’t have a steady income. Then you can panic. You deserve it because you didn’t listen to me.

What “Don’t Panic” means is “don’t worry if you have writer’s block and/or all the publishers hate your material”. If you’re scribbling along in a notebook and you suddenly just run out of ideas, don’t hyperventilate. Go out, take a walk, read a little, spend some time with your spouse. Keep doing wholesome activities until the creative faucet gets unstuck and starts flowing again. No problem, no worry, and you get some quality time with your family.

Not getting your stuff published is a slightly larger problem. Solution A is that maybe you’re aiming too high. Are you trying to pitch a 6-book series, all hardcover, with each volume containing 300 pages? Yeah… you see, that’s kinda a problem… A good idea is to start small; maybe a few short stories, do bits for anthologies, that sorta thing – just enough to get you on the radar screen, y’know? Then you can try more ambitious projects… like that series.

Solution B is just to be patient. Keep improving your work and keep pitching. Good things come to those who wait. Like death.

Tip six is to be flexible. This means you should be able to write several different genres. Me, for example. I do fantasy, sci-fi, analysis, comedy, review, suspense, expository, drama – all sorts. You might find it would be nice to be able to do lots of things. It’s always good to be able to not bore publishers with fantasy after fantasy.

Tip seven is last and perhaps most crucial – pitch smart. That means you shouldn’t just send manuscripts randomly to every publisher you can think of. That’s like closing your eyes and shooting bullets until you hit something. It’s better to be more precise. Some seasons might be better for some genres than others. I was reading the submission guidelines for a typical sci-fi/fantasy short story magazine a while back (don’t ask–really, don’t) and it said they weren’t getting enough sci-fi. So then, what would be better to pitch, your dime-a-dozen hack and slash fantasy, or a relatively decent sci-fi bit you wrote? The sci-fi bit, obviously, since its chances of being published are now multiplied tenfold by the fact the publisher’s in need of sci-fi stories.

Also, please make sure your stories are good before you send them in. Publishers have high standards, and so should you.

Well! It looks like this evolved into tip son how to write for a living. I know many of you won’t need to use this until about ten years from now, but I’m sure you’ll keep my wonderful advice in mind. I look forward to reading a book by one of you someday.

… actually, I wouldn’t recognize you since you’d probably use a different name. Oh well. If any of you ever get anything published, e-mail me about it, okay?

Grondring’s waiting for an email… come on… grondring@hotmail.com...

(By the way, sorry for the horrible pun in the title.)

Hmm...grondy, please read and reveiw my story that I posted.

Grondy thinks too much about stuff. Like me, except I don't think about important or useful stuff.

Best column yet ^.^ Can you read my story i posted a while back, the real long one?

To Strike: I'm working on it.

To AT: What kind of stuff do you think about then?

To Karn: Where is it?

thnx

No problem. You mean this one, right?

yep.

http://s4.invisionfree.com/fire_emblem_war...?showtopic=2587 I should have been more specific.

All right, I'll work on that too.

I don't know. That's why.

Why what?

That's why my thinking is pointless and unimportant. Although I have come up with practical ways to achieve world domination (practical meaning untracable and not ridiculously difficult/stupid).

I've come up with lots of practical ways, some of which I've already decided to devote my life to. But I also decided that the world isn't worth dominating, so as soon as I get enough power I'll just create my own country and live there for the rest of my life.

I know. The trick is to not look like you did anything but you "just happen" to recieve the most benefit from the events of the world.

What? Why? Be proactive.

IS THIS HOW U GET ALL YOUR POSTS!? I WAS NUMBER 3 YOU KNOW!? *grumbles*cheaters*end grumbling* so yeha nice article and man that pun sucks.

I know. I couldn't think of anything else to use for a title. And what do you mean,

?

He does that every day to get his posts.

I'm confused now.

...and we care?