this forum is sooooooo slow - or is it just me ...
wheres the life ..?? Im bored ...
wish BIG KEV was here to gee up this lot ..

anyway - decided to start a JOKE section ...

post all ya fav jokes & giggles here for a laff !!! :D

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True Australian Ghost Story

This incident happened in Brisbane, Australia,

and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it is a true story.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night
and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went
by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly approaching him, and then it stopped.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door,

just to realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started moving slowly. The guy looked at the road ahead, and

saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window

and turned the wheel. The guy, paralysed with terror by now, watched how

the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. The guy, finally

gathered strength, jumped out of the car and ran into the nearest tavern.

Wet and in shock, he went straight up to the bar and asked for two shots

of Tequila. He then started telling everybody about the terrifying experience
he had just gone through. A silence enveloped everybody when they

realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern,

wet and out of breath. Looking around and upon seeing the pale-faced guy

who had earlier hitched a ride, the one guy said to the other,

"Look, Bruce..... there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.

speaking of blondes...

Blonde Star

Boeing 747 Accident - [Not for sensitive viewers]

how to make PHO - vietnamese beef noodle soup !
hahaha

HERE >

Thats bloody hilarious... I saw that the other day!

I suppose I should contribute..

Pimp my Bride

Hahahah thats awesome,

I guess i should also contribute

3 men have just finished training to join an elite military team. Just as they are congratulating each other the captain comes over and announces they have one more test.

They are all puzzled but follow the Captain to the breifing lounge. He tells them that in the next room their wifes or girlfriends are bound and gagged to a chair in the middle of the room. The Captain hands each of them a handgun and tells them that to enter, they must shoot the person sitting in the chair...

The first soldier opens the door and sees his girlfriend sitting in the chair crying and shuts the door behind him. After a few mintues of silence the man walks out crying saying he cant do it.

The second man walks in with the gun and sees his wife sitting there. Again he shuts the door behind him while the Captain and the third man wait outside. After atleast 15mins the man comes out in the same state as the first saying he couldnt go through with it.

Finally, the third man charges in to the room, slams the door shut to confront his wife. The Captain looks shocked to here the gun blasting away, after a while he hears the clicking as the gun is empty. Then there is a brief silence then loud crashes made within the room. This commotion carries on for a few mintues and the man comes out of the room drenched in blood. He turns to the Captain and says "Some f***in idiot filled the gun with blanks so I had to bash her to death with the chair."

man thats not funny!!!

but that pimp my bride is

also the wok the fuk!!ahhhahaha

I actually watch the show Pimp My Ride on the MTV channel over here in the US :P

:o Pimp my ride is on this friday on channel 10!

Every Monday night in NZ. TV4
I would love to see these cars 2 or 3 years down the track. How would they look then? :o
T

Pimp my ride is on foxtel almost every damn day...

It gets pretty repetitive after a while..

Also if u look closely the finishes are pretty ordinary..

But Damn they are creative with some of those rides!!!!!!

Old man pranks ... bloody japs just too funny

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/ol...n-pranks-p1.php

http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/474.html

The Weakest link with rappers!

heh heh - gold! So many good calls.

Road rage > http://www.justcarinsurance.com.au/roadrage/index.html

just gotta happen

haha this kept me goin and goin and goin and goin....

Absolute pure gold bullion from Seth Green and friends:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2660802447916665129

How U doin

I've had this one for a while, but with the recent talk of the judge resigning from Saddam Hussain's court case, it came flooding back

A little absurd but go with, its good

RockPaperSaddam

Found this on OzMazda.com, quite possibly the funniest Blonde Joke i've heard:

http://www.ozmazda.com/forum/index.php?sho...st=0&#entry2244

Awesome new gauge available for turbo cars.... :lol:

The train was quite crowded and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

:P

hahah -
good clean joke ! i need some more laughter !

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other dayI went into town and went to a shop in High street.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out
a parking ticket. I went up to him and said,

"Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

rofl rofl

:P :) :lol: :woot: rofl

hahahah, keith ur jokes r so funny :lol:

Male Blonde joke.... about time !! hahaha

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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After the service he said to the priest, "FATHER, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!"

"I'm happy you liked it," said the priest, "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself"

"I cant help it", said the rich farmer, " I still think it was a damned good sermon, In fact I liked it so much I put $100 in the collection basket

"HOLY SHIT, did you?" replied the priest

A Fijian, an Indian and a Englishmen when fishing

Upon not getting any fish on the hook, the Englishmen got furious and threw his basket of baits into the sea.

The Indian guy asked " why did you throw the bait into the sea?"

Englishmen "Plenty in my country!"

The Indian guy had a whole bunch of DALO (sacred food for the Fijian's) and he casted it into the sea,

Englishmen "why you throw that?"

Indian "Plenty in my country"

Now the Fijian guy had nothing besides his lunch and his fishing gear to throw into the sea to keep up with the competition.

He threw the INDIAN guy into the sea

Englishmen goes" Hey, why'd you throw him?"

Fijian guy goes" PLENTY IN MY COUNTRY!!"

A 12 year boy goes up to his Irish neighbour and says, "I was looking at your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job, Nah, Nah, Nah."

The Irish guy laughs and answers, " The jokes on you Johnny, Nah. Nah, Nah - I wasn't even home last night"

Cyanide & Happiness

I think someone needs to get a life.

Greeneyes I think some of this is worst that txt typing mate.

Everyone to their own.

Glad I'm getting old.

haha rofl - just too funny !! ESP for you die-hard STAR WARS fan !!

ENJOY >

HHAHAHHAHHAHHAH LOL FLEX :lol: :woot: rofl

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

hahahah LOL !!

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Yesterday a mate was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman [Could be any woman on the planet but SOUNDS BLOND] came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."


http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=...&products_id=19

in response to Joe's post

http://kalecoauto.com/index.php?main_page=...&products_id=19

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall .
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only
parking lot.



Peachey B)

peachy, that's sooooooo funny :lol: